Emotions Run Deep
by snapelovesme
Summary: He's battling against his past, she's fighting the future, but what do they have to live for? Hurt/Romance/Comfort/Tragedy SS/OC R&R Rated M but it's not that bad!
1. The New Year

**Author's Note: **

**Again, another long fic so subscribe and keep reading!**

**I have had so much fun writing this and think perhaps it's one of my better ones :D R&R please but no flames! **

**I've tried to keep people in character as much as possible, but if things change in someone's life, maybe they change too, sometimes for the best, sometimes for the worst. **

**This is written in diary format- guess who's? yup- our favourite shiny-haired professor 3 So just be aware- we're only getting half of the story, things might not always be as they seem…**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Harry Potter, although I sure wish I did! **

Start of term as usual. Pupils arrive tomorrow, and although I sometimes find them worse than that basilisk last year, they come as a sort of blessed distraction.

I try not to think about things too much, and residing in spinners end over the summer alone usually ends with me thinking too much.

As usual Albus called the staff in for a meeting, just so Filch can read out his mile long list of new rules whilst it siphons in through one ear and out the other.

He also introduced us to the new defence against the dark arts teacher.

I had no idea whom it was going to be, but I was all set to dislike them; I had yet again applied for the position and had yet again been cast away by Dumbledore.

It infuriates me that he can trust me with some things much more valuable than his life, yet he won't trust me with a teaching position. I have appealed to him, for the fourth year in a row, and again his reply was "severus, to change your post would be against my better judgement and besides you make such a wonderful potions master."

I had not truly expected his answer to change from last year, but now I have found out whom he has hired instead of me… I am absolutely fuming.

We were waiting in the great hall as usual, and I was talking to Minerva, or rather she was telling me all about her niece's wedding and I was trying to look interested, when the great doors open and in Albus walks with none other than that filthy werewolf _Remus Lupin_.

I swear I almost burst out there and then, what a disgrace! What on earth was Albus thinking was he confounded! Lupin weaved his way in and out of everyone like a delightful child in honeydukes, as Albus introduced him to everyone.

However when Lupin reached me and my unwelcoming expression, his smile faltered. Albus shot me a warning glance over his shoulder and I nodded to Lupin who held out his hand and smiled,

"I hope we can put the past behind us Severus."

I looked down at his outstretched hand and raised my eyebrows at his nerve, however I wanted to stay in Albus' good books, and was aware most of the staff were watching. I took his hand briefly and then released it, walking away.

I knew it was childish but the first thing I did was wash my hands.

I stormed up to Albus' office that evening to find him waiting for me calmly behind his desk. "What are you thinking?" what my first question as I paced around his office angrily. He said nothing and simply watched me vent over his half moon spectacles whilst stirring milk into his tea slowly.

He knew of my past with him of how he'd tried to kill me, so how on earth could he trust him now! Not even how could he trust him but how could he trust him over me! I had proved myself so much more trustworthy and loyal, the least he could do was to post me as the dark arts professor! Lupin was a werewolf! If he forgot his potion for just one night he could tear through the school killing people!

As I reached this point Albus had the nerve to ask me if I would please provide Remus' wolfsbane potion every month and that this way of course it would be less likely of him to forget. I shot him the filthiest look I could muster, and he replied only in beaming his thanks. I sat down on a chair opposite him unwillingly.

"Severus, I trust Remus Lupin to do this job to the best of his ability and I'm not saying that he would fulfil the post better than yourself I am simply saying you have a job at the moment, and you know how difficult it is for someone like Remus to get a position."

"someone like Remus" I sneered. "well of course he can't get a position! He could attack people at any moment you know that Albus! A werewolf would kill his best friend if he crossed his path!"

"and so hopefully if you provide him with his potion every month we shall have no chance of that misfortunate event ever happening."

He spoke with closure in his voice and I knew he wanted me to leave. I stood up.

"very well, but I won't be here to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong."

"ah but Severus" he replied smiling, "you know as well as I, you shall be."

Honestly Albus can be infuriating sometimes.


	2. The Parting of the Ways

Watching the new students arrive is always an unpleasant experience for me.

Watching them trembling as they wait to be sorted and gleaming when they get put into the house they hoped for.

However there is always one who gets parted from a friend, always one who gets placed in the wrong house for them, always one whose heart is torn in two as they walk the opposite way to someone they love.

Just like I did.

It brings back terrible memories of her, of Lily, the gleam of happiness brought to her face as the hat shouted Gryffindor, and the empty disappointment and realisation as I walk the opposite way into the sea of green.

That's what parted us- that one decision made by a sodding hat tore us apart forever.

I fight back against the lump in my throat as I write this.

I hope she thinks of me, wherever she is.

Albus came down to my office about an hour ago warning me against the dementors. The minister has tried to insist we have them inside the castle; however Albus put a quick stop to that idea. They have been limited to the boundaries of the grounds, with strict instruction not to enter. I am glad; I hate them as much as Albus.

I have spent the afternoon planning lessons for my classes tomorrow; I have double third years, Slytherin and Gryffindor and a sixth year class in the afternoon. That means I spend the morning making sure Potter looks a fool in front of everyone and just certifying that he knows how much I hate him.

Albus is past trying to make me see reason, and I know I never shall. Every time I look at him I see his arrogant jerk of a father. Unless I look into his eyes of course… her eyes.

I must venture to Dagon Alley tomorrow evening as I am running low on my bat wing stock. I doubt I shall have time to write in my diary and will be very tired after a busy day, but I shall try to update you as soon as I can.


	3. Blood Changes Everything

The past few days have been so demanding I am glad it is the weekend tomorrow.

I spent much of Wednesday concocting a new method for a shrinking potion for my third years, and making a new batch of polyjuice potion for my sixth years. I must admit the sixth years are probably my most enjoyable year as they are only the ones who have passed well at O.W.L level and want to pursue the subject.

I also find their syllabus most enjoyable for me, including some rather complicated potions and remedies.

As I went to the staff room that afternoon I found Werewolf Lupin and little Filius Flitwick. When Filius had gone to get a drink I leaned over to Remus and questioned him about his lesson plans. He seemed surprised that I was even talking to him and hurried to give an answer before I added in the comment,

"so when you come to teach them about werewolves are you going to give them a demonstration?"

I got up and walked out, not waiting for a reply but lingering long enough to see his eyes narrow. I knew he was too much of a chicken to say something back and too clever to give me the satisfaction of telling Albus, however for me that moment was highly enjoyable.

My trip to Diagon alley was short; I picked up a good quantity of bats wings and also threw in some lacewing flies as I knew I would run out shortly.

As I passed through the busy street, trying not to touch anyone I could avoid I saw the new broomstick, _the Firebolt_ peering out at me from a window. I never usually have time for sports and don't generally keep up with the latest trends but wow…this ride was a beauty. I looked at the price tag, raised my eyebrows at its extremity and apparated back to Hogwarts.

The next day I had lessons for almost five hours straight, pausing only to eat dinner in the great hall. I was sitting with Minerva whose first question was "so what do you think of Remus?" I scowled and said I had no opinion on the matter other than the fact hat he shouldn't have been hired in the first place. She ignored my comment and we ate in silence for a moment before Sybil Trelawney, the divination teacher joined us.

She was wearing her ridiculously large glasses that made her eyes look three times as big. There were beads pointlessly dangling in her hair just visible beneath her patterned shawl. I didn't bother to notice anything else as just that was hurting my eyes.

"one has been chosen to die this year," she began in her dramatic voice.

Minerva rolled her eyes at me and I almost smiled. Sybil really was ridiculous.

The conversation turned to Sirius Black, the first person to escape from Azkaban. He had been put there for murdering thirteen innocent people. I didn't know if he had done it, and I didn't care. He deserved being in there.

On Thursday night I went to see Albus for a drink. He opened a new bottle of Rosmerta's mead. He asked me again to watch after Potter.

"I'm sure he can look after himself" was my cool reply.

He frowned at me, reminded me of my promise to protect him and I nodded unwillingly.

"surely Albus, you can't be thinking Black will come after him whilst he is in Hogwarts. The security on the school is too great."

"I don't believe Harry shall remain in the castle whilst all his friends are enjoying themselves in Hogsmeade village."

"he has failed to have his permission form signed!"

"then catch him if you can, Severus," was his reply.

He shouldn't give Potter such special treatment it frustrates me greatly the way he treats him with ease, giving him leeway to run wild of the rules, unlike everyone else.

However I can only sit back and watch until it all goes too far, Albus is adamant that Potter should test himself before the wizarding world needs him.

I will try and be honest with myself in saying that is one of the things I dread most: the return of the dark lord, casting me back to my old ways, even if it is under fake pretences.

I am no coward, hopefully I have proved that over the last fourteen years but I have always dreamt of wiping away my past entirely, and his return would only bring it back, more complicated than ever.

I do not fear for my life, I have nothing to live for, but I am not a suicidal being and death is last on my list of things to do at this moment.

I have spent most of today reading a new book I picked up in London written by Bathilda Bagshot, an old friend of Albus'.

It is well written and touches on old wizarding bloodlines, something that has always been of interest to me.

I often wondered who picked who would be pure blood, who half and who muggle born. Was it a random selection? Like a muggle lottery or did some God point his finger at his favourites and punish those whom he disliked?

And if that were true what would be the punishment? Some muggle borns are far happier and far cleverer than some pure bloods. Some would not let their blood status bother them, others could not help it.

For it was blood that had parted lily and me from the very beginning of our meeting, to the very end at her death.


	4. Mystery

The most unusual things have happened this weekend I have set aside a good hour to write about them, for I can't think clearly and that vexes me.

There are so many questions inside my head I hope I will understand them better when they are on parchment.

Saturday afternoon all the staff were called to the great hall again for a meeting. Albus was standing at the front with a young girl. She was dressed in simple black robes, with sneakers hiding underneath. Her head was pulled back into a bun with short strands framing her face.

She looked nervous as she glanced around at all our faces she seemed to be expecting something. I scowled at her- was she expecting us to perform? Albus leant down and muttered something in her ear and she smiled back at him, however the happiness didn't reach her eyes. Albus cleared his throat:

"forgive me for calling you here so mysteriously, however I have the great pleasure of introducing you to our new modern foreign languages professor, Athena Finch. The minister has insisted we educate our young minds in he language field this year.

Athena has had to start late this year due to some tragic family issues however she is pleased to join us now.

He gestured for her to follow him and he led her through the chattering crowd of the staff and began to introduce her to each person. She smiled and chattered to people as politely as possible yet her mind seemed otherwise engaged.

The only time she looked truly happy was when she was introduced to Lupin. It was clear she could know nothing of his being a werewolf.

"Remus Lupin."

She beamed before Albus had introduced her. He looked surprised. "I know things" was all she said in reply to his questioning look.

He was quick to pounce on her and she agreed to his offer of drinks politely.

When she came to me Albus introduced me but it seemed she didn't even bother to listen to him. She was staring at me with a wondrous expression of hate, almost disgust. I glared back at her, wondering how she could judge me without even knowing me, and yet be so friendly to that filthy werewolf.

Her eyes seemed to bore deeply into mine and as I looked into their brown depths, searching for an answer I found nothing. I tried legilimency but it would not work, she was guarded. She moved away and my eyes followed her around the room. I was confused. Sometimes even Albus has to concentrate to hide his thoughts from me; I was such an accomplished legilimens. Perhaps it was the crowded room, I hadn't properly tried then anyway, maybe if it was quieter and I could concentrate more I would be able to see into her mind.

I was captivated by the secrecy, but I was yet to be confused.

I was questioning Albus later that evening about her as we took a turn around the grounds.

"where did she come from?" I questioned him. "you hadn't mentioned her before today."

"Indeed she quite surprised me." He spoke frustratingly slowly. "Rumours have followed her here and she has confirmed some of them herself."

"and you believe her?"

"I admit I find it immensely hard not to. I have known her as long as you have and I say I trust her already."

"don't you think that's foolish?"

"well that entirely depends on whether I am right or not. However I am quite sure I am. You know more than most, that the people I trust tend to reward me with the reassurance I have made the correct decision."

"And yet I implore you that a decision of trust you have made recently is-"

"Severus I trust Remus Lupin."

I was so frustrated at this point I decided to give up for now. I reverted back to our previous subject.

"so what rumours follow this girl?"

"she says she can see things of people's lives by being near them, physically not emotionally."

Well that was ridiculous. I almost laughed, "you surely can not believe that?"

"I imagine you have tried to use legilimency on her."

"Not with my maximum effort."

"and yet you have failed, and you will fail even with your maximum effort Severus. She is highly accomplished."

"so am I." I reminded him.

He smiled. He was making me curious to try and see into her mind and I couldn't wait to have an opportunity to prove him wrong.

He guessed my thoughts, as Albus generally does: "do come to my office once you have attempted and failed."

"don't hold your breath."

He chuckled again. "look out for her Severus; she doesn't believe she belongs here."

"And you believe I could help with that?" I replied sarcastically.

He looked pensive for a moment, "she knows more about you than you about her at the moment."

"don't be ridiculous."

He said nothing and we walked back into the castle.

I seized the opportunity this morning to encounter her. I overheard Minerva talking about leaflets for Hogsmeade and I stole a few from the table when she went to get pumpkin juice.

I decided to patrol the corridors for an hour or so and wait for her. After forty minutes had gone by I was starting to get really annoyed. I snapped at one of the prefects and deducted thirty points from Gryffindor for a Fanged Frisbee that almost broke the bust of Helga Hufflepuff.

I was about to give up when she rounded the corner, absentmindedly twirling a strand of her hair around her finger and carrying a book, she looked up when she heard me approach and then she looked away quickly. I was frozen for a moment as she passed, nodding at me politely. It was strange it seemed like she was just trying to be polite, but why should she have to make an effort? She didn't even know me!

"Professor." I called to her; I didn't feel right calling her by her name, not when she was so adamant to despise me.

She span around, surprised, and I told her Minerva had asked me to give her the leaflets. As she reached out and took them, we were momentarily connected, my eyes looked into her and I concentrated with every ounce of mind, as hard as I could and yet I found nothing. I brought my eyes back to focus and looked away quickly. She thanked me and continued walking down the corridor. I watched her go, hardly believing what had just happened.

How could this be? That's why I needed to write everything down; I don't understand how she can be better than me and Albus, especially as she's so young. I would put her at twenty, maximum. I am going to go and talk to Albus, I know it will only give him satisfaction but I have to talk with him. I shall try and update my diary when I return, I am sure I shall have plenty to think about, and to make sense of.

I am not sure whether to feel reassured or not. Albus has completely refused to tell me the entire story. He will only reveal to me what he believes is necessary and yet he will trust me with more severe things than a new professor!

He implores that it's not his story to tell and she will tell me if she wants to, but why would she ever want to and without legilimency how shall I ever know! It really is infuriating; however I shall relay what little he did tell me.

The conversation began with him smirking, "I did tell you."

I sat down opposite him, scowling, and shook my head. "now you need to tell me why."

"There is not much to tell, she is just better than you, and I for that matter."

This was had for me to believe but I continued: "even if she is, that doesn't explain why her guard is constantly up: what does she have to hide?"

He seemed to be calculating what to tell me as he frowned over the desk. "Albus you know you trust-"

"Severus it is not my story to tell."

"you must give me some answers" I said desperately.

He stood up and walked over to his pensieve behind me. He swirled his wand into the midst of the silvery liquid and muttered something to himself, then he turned and seated himself at the desk again.

"From being close to people… she can not only see things that have happened in their lives, she can see the future also. She knows things that are yet to come and she believes it's her duty to make sure no one sees things before they happen."

I raised my eyebrows. "you believe she's a seer? Like Trelawney?"

He frowned and then shook his head. "no, not like Trelawney. These are not prophecies she is making, these are not predictions…and she alone knows them, she won't even tell the people she sees things about." He got up again and carried the pensieve back to his desk. He swirled the liquid around with the tip of his wand and I saw colours reflecting on the surface. He nodded at it pointedly, "go ahead."

I stood up and leant into the pensieve, seemingly falling for a moment before I landed on Albus' office floor. Athena was sitting in the chair I was occupying, opposite Albus. She was twisting her interlocked fingers, a sad expression on her face and she spoke with a desperate edge to her voice.

"I know people may find out about some of the things I can do, but they must not know I can see the future. If the dark lord, wherever and whatever he may be found out, or any of his followers, or even any of the ministry… well… no one should know their destiny…"

Albus nodded wisely.

"My visions and things aren't always dependable. They are subjective. People change their minds and fall onto another path of life. I can see things differently from one day to the next. For instance, if you'd had a sudden urge to change your password from sherbet lemon yesterday I most probably would not have known." She smiled slightly and then bit her lip as if she regretted it.

White smog filled the room for a moment and suddenly I was standing on Albus' floor again, in the present time. I sat down again. "So if they're not prophecies… what are they?"

"god only knows," was his helpful reply.

"she judges me already." I ventured.

"as you have judged her," he said, his eyes dancing.

I opened my mouth to argue and then shut it.

He smiled at me, "she does not judge you Severus, you forget she knows things you don't."

"and I know things she does not."

"are you sure about that?" he said, his eyes twinkling again.

Sometimes I wonder how I can put up with Albus' humour and foolery. He is like a child in a sweet shop and I'm the damn frustrated shopkeeper.

So here I am, in my office writing this and trying to get my head around it however I must retire as I have to prepare for a lesson early in the morning.


	5. Annoyance

Not much to report tonight. Lessons were fine and I have decided to include the elixir of life into my sixth year's syllabus.

Minerva came to me at dinner and asked me to accompany her to the three broomsticks on Friday evening. She says most of the staff are going, and I would normally refuse a social event such as thins however I accepted her with the intention of trying to gain more information about Athena.

I saw her with Remus again today, she had her arm looped through his and he was looking at her like a drooling puppy… or a drooling wolf.

I can't explain why but it angered me. I imagine it's the fact that she's keeping company with a wolf, but my mind seemed to be telling me it was something else.

Potter is behaving like an unworthy piece of filth. I caught him strutting about the entrance hall like he owned the damn place, so naturally I deducted thirty house points. I wish Albus would bring back the cane.


	6. Jigsaw Pieces

I was teaching the shrinking solution to my third years today. Malfoy was struck by a hippogriff in one of his lessons the week previously and had decided to milk it for all he was worth, however he was a Slytherin and I decided to humour him. Plus, I had to favour Malfoy else Lucius would get funny with me.

"Weasley, help Malfoy cut up his roots!"

It was great fun for me watching that Weasley squirm.

It levelled out my annoyance at Longbottom, he was so useless I was past trying to see reason, plus the Slytherins enjoyed watching me mock him.

After that lesson I bumped into Athena again, making her way from Albus' office. She jumped when she saw me, gave a quick smile and the hurried past. I turned to watch her go and likewise she turned at the end of the corridor to look at me also. There was sadness on her face; like she was waiting for something she knew would never come. Her eyes lingered on mine for a moment and then she rounded the corner and was gone. It was strange, her eyes were red, as if she'd been rubbing them and she had slight line under them as if she hadn't slept. She didn't look well, or happy. I frowned at myself, why was I even interested?

I hurried up the steps to Albus' office, muttering the password as I went. He smiled cheerfully as I entered and conjured a new cup of tea for me, vanishing two empty ones I believed to be his and Athena's.

"you're in a cheerful mood." I stated, already annoyed by it.

He chuckled to himself and I sat down. "nothing like good company to tickle an old man."

I scowled.

We talked of Sirius black for a while until he reverted back to the subject I confess my mind was full of.

"so what do you make of her now Severus? Have you taken the time to get to know her yet?"

The way he posed the question was quite accusing and I scowled again. "I'd rather not hang around with wolves, and seen as she's always with one I unfortunately have not had that pleasure."

"shall you always be quite so stubborn Severus?"

I didn't answer.

I am not sure what's happening to me, I can't stop thinking of her. It's not in any obscene way, it's more… curiosity. Like I'm trying to piece together pieces of a puzzle to find an answer, yet I have no idea what the jigsaw's supposed to look like.


	7. Butterbeer

We went for drinks in the three broomsticks tonight but I couldn't focus properly. I spoke to her maybe twice throughout the entire evening, once to answer a question about dementors and the second time to ask her a question about Albus. I should have probably spoken to her more, but I found it more helpful and educating to just watch her talk to everyone else.

I made sure no one noticed, but I couldn't help it. She seemed quite confident in herself, but scared to show it, if that makes sense. She spoke to everyone as if they were her best friends, yet she'd known them just over a week. It was as Albus said: she knew more about them than they about her.

She sat by Lupin for the entire night, sometimes casually touching his knee or his arm as she laughed, almost as if she didn't notice she were doing it, yet every time she did it sent anger rocketing through me.

Quite a juxtaposition against Lupin's unconcealed delight. It was disgusting to watch, yet apparently I was the only one who noticed, everyone else seemed oblivious. I could tell that she was trying her best to be liked, yet sometimes I saw her concentration straying away from the chatter, and she would look over someone's shoulder, glassy eyed, a pained expression on her face as though she wished to be somewhere else.

I tried countless times to use legilimency on her, staring deep into her soft brown eyes, and cursing myself inwardly each time I failed.

I still don't know what to think of her. I find it impossible to form an opinion when she is so guarded and secretive.


	8. Confusion

It's almost as if she's the devil taunting my mind! Won't she leave me alone! I was studying this Saturday before the first Quidditch match of the season when I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I flung it open, expecting a whining child and there Athena stood, looking as uncomfortable as ever. It took me a moment to register in my mind it was so unexpected. I had to shake my head slightly to stop myself from noticing the see-through-ness of her shirt.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, as politely as I could, turning back into my room.

She followed me in cautiously, asking if she could borrow the method for a dreamless sleep potion.

So naturally after this question my mind had about a hundred different questions, Why could she want it? I knew it was private but I couldn't help asking a leading question:

"an interesting choice?" that way I left the question open for her to answer as much as she liked however she said nothing, absolutely nothing, and I found nothing in her mind either!

I am so exasperated with myself! I asked her in politeness if she'd had a good week and she answered shortly, seeming surprised at my asking at all.

I handed her the book, taking care to not touch her hand and then I turned back into my office, when I looked around again she had gone.

If anything could worsen my mood this evening it is the appearance of a stack of annual ball leaflets left on my desk, no doubt as a joke from one of the students, although to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if it was Albus.

I always hated the annual balls, everyone trying to wipe away the problems of every day life, dancing and drinking until their faces hit the floor. I usually spent the evening scowling at everyone and talking to Albus who was always in his element in these kinds of social events. I had three guesses as to who Lupin would bring.

After her interruption I began making an elixir I had been reading about. The method in the text book was barbaric, so I made my own amendments of course. It sometimes occurs to me to share these with pupils but I prefer to let them make their own way. If they're good enough at the subject they'll work them out, like I did, and if they're not good enough or not passionate enough, then they don't deserve to know.

It took me about an hour to get the basic ingredients ready; I let them simmer on a blue flame whilst I went to the great hall to dine.

Lupin was there, looking practically gleaming next to Athena who was helping herself to pudding. She seemed quiet as she sat next to him, she didn't speak other than nodding when he asked her a question and she excused herself quickly as soon as she was finished eating.

I imagined she had gone to make her potion, which brought me back to the question: why did she even need it in the first place? I had guessed as much that she was not sleeping, I could see the lines under her eyes and although she was constantly trying to hide it I was observant enough to see she was kidding herself and I didn't think that the lack of sleep was the source of it.

Seeing as she had told Albus everything I just asked him straight out. "What's wrong with her?"

His reply; "I'm glad you've noticed."

Will he ever give me a straight answer?

I can't believe he would betray Dumbledore's trust like that! Abusing his position just so he can get his filthy wolf hands all over her! It's revolting!

I was on my way to the staff room and I opened the door and there they were, their arms around each other, he was practically stuck to her! Of course as soon as he saw me he removed his hand from around her waist, jumping apart as though I was an electric shock to bring them back to reality.

I tried to move past them but I stopped suddenly. Her eyes were red: she had been crying.

I blinked and tried to move past them again, just as she'd tried to move past me. We blocked each others path and then both darted toward the other side of the door simultaneously. I almost saw a smile on her face at the hopeless situation, and the she did something unimaginable.

She reached out her hands, placed one on either side of my arms and then turned me around, so we were on the other side of the door frame. I flinched as she touched me; it was so unexpected and unreal. I can still feel the touch of her soft hands just thinking about it.

She bade me goodnight and thanked Lupin. Why did she thank him? Why was she upset?

When she was gone Lupin and I were left there, staring at each other, him with a nonchalant expression on his face and me with the ugliest look I could muster. He cleared his throat to break the silence and turned back into the room.

I followed him in, helping myself to a glass of mead. I heard him shuffling about beside me as I stood by the window and looked out into the night, but then I heard the door shut and when I looked around again he had gone: coward.

So I guessed they were 'together' now although he hadn't mentioned it to any of the staff I was sure. I didn't know what to think. How could he come here and get with someone- a wolf! It's abominable! Surely it wasn't allowed, especially as he was completely taking advantage of her! I need a drink to clear my head.

I don't know what to write, I have looked back at my latest diary entries and almost all of them contain her! What is happening to me! I can't stop thinking about her and I don't know why or how it even happened.

It's not like me at all. I shouldn't be doing this! I don't know what these feelings are and where they have come from or even what to do anymore! I'm not in control and I despise that.

The only way I am trying to make sense of what is happening right now is by writing it down, and even now I have done that I am still past understanding.

Perhaps I should just try to avoid her as much as possible. After all, it's a big castle, there's plenty of space for us both to not see each other. I am adamant that I shall forget everything that I have ever thought about her. And if that doesn't work, well, I don't know what will.


	9. Felix Felicis

I am so furious with myself! I promised I would stay away with her and yet there I was again at breakfast this morning, asking her questions.

I cursed myself the moment I opened my mouth, but I couldn't help it! I don't know what happened it was like something took over me, some demon possessed me and everything was out of my control again!

"how was the potion?" I asked her in my calmest voice.

Why! The question was unnecessary! Especially as I had promised myself I would no longer be curious! Damn her! She finished the conversation quickly; I guess I seemed rude and impertinent.

When she walked away I slammed my fists down on the table. I just couldn't help talking to her, and yet when I did talk to her I said all the wrong rude things.

I was brewing potions for my sixth years again this afternoon when there was a knock on the door. It was her. It's like she's been sent to haunt me, to make sure I don't get a minutes peace.

She walked slowly in as I was stirring the Felix felicis I was making. She was wearing purple robes and had her converse trainers on again.

The thing that surprised me the most was that she recognised the potion I was making even before it had reached its defining characteristic. She asked me if I had ever used it… I thought back quickly to that one night and all the problems it had caused and all the problems it had solved.

"once," was my short reply, determined not to mess this conversation up.

Her next question surprised me.

"can I have some" and my answering 'no' was surprising to me too.

I tried to cover up my answer by talking about the dangers, but she wiped away my excuses quickly and asked me again. I blurted out what was stuck inside my head: "you hold too many secrets."

She looked at me strangely for a moment, then put the book down that she was returning and left.

I kicked the chair.

Professor McGonagall visited shortly afterwards, complaining about Crabbe, a Slytherin student and son of a death eater.

I confess, I must have snapped at her in my bad mood as she left quickly, casting me a stern disapproving look before she shut the door. I should apologise tomorrow.


	10. Pathetic Fallacy

Not much to report for today.

I spoke with Minerva this morning about the annual ball but she didn't say much, sensing my dislike of the entire idea. I apologised for my behaviour last night, and she seemed to accept it.

It rained heavily for most of the day and I wasn't expecting anyone to be out but as I looked from the window this evening I saw someone flying past. The speed was astronomical. I recognised the broom to be the new Firebolt, but I couldn't make out the figure from this distance through the rain. They must be adamant on catching their death it was so cold and wet.

Another figure hurried out to meet them as they landed and as she shook the water out of her hair I recognised her as Athena. I guessed the other figure draping his arm and coat around her was Lupin. They hurried back into the castle.

I have an order for ten new copper cauldrons tomorrow so I must be up early to get the order from Diagon alley. The annual ball is on Saturday. I am dreading it.


	11. First Kiss

Ball tonight. I have pulled out the best robes I have. I am making an effort for Albus' sake I know how much he enjoys these pointless conventions.

* * *

I don't know what to write. I don't know what has happened to me. Everything has changed, everything I ever stood for has changed and I don't know how to react. I shall start at the beginning.

Of course Athena arrived at the ball with Lupin. When I saw her walking in through the door I felt as though my heart had skipped a beat.

She looked… amazing. I am not embarrassed to admit it now. She was wearing a pink dress, but not obviously so, it was kind of the pink that is soft on the eyes.

She entered on Lupin's arm, but I tried to block that out as I watched her mingle through the crowd. She looked better today, her eyes looked brighter and she didn't seem so tired, however I was sure that some of her smiles were forced.

They chatted to Minerva at the door for a while and then made their way towards the drinks. Her eyes caught mine briefly for a moment and she gave me a smile, however in the time it took for me to smile back she had looked away. Lupin was shouted by someone from across the hall and he moved away, leaving her at the buffet table.

I couldn't help it: I walked behind her and commented something stupid about sausage rolls I think. I feel so stupid the way I keep messing up what I say to her. I tried to compliment her, something I hadn't done to a woman in a very long time. "You…you look…well" was the phrase I think I actually stuttered. How pathetic.

"wow a compliment from Severus Snape, I must be doing something right," was her sarcastic reply, but when I stole a glance at her, her mouth and eyes were smiling. She was laughing with me, not at me. At this moment we were joined by a beaming Albus, obviously happy with the planned evening and entertainment. He said something about sausage rolls, confirming my previous statement and when he left we both looked at each other almost smiling.

"told you" I said pretending to be serious, and then something marvellous happened: she laughed. It was like gentle music, it still echoes in my ear just thinking about it. It felt so good to actually make someone else laugh.

She moved away at this point, although she almost decapitated the minister whilst doing so and I watched as she tried to suppress her laughter. When the band began to play she dragged Lupin onto the dance floor.

Albus came over to me, saying something of him being too old for this type of dancing. I watched her as Albus droned on, as she danced wildly, closing her eyes and not caring what anyone thought. It was as though she'd had all these worries building up inside her, and tonight was the night she could just let everything go. Especially considering the amount of alcohol she was drinking.

"have you seen the happy couple?" I asked in a surly voice as I saw Lupin whispering something in her ear as they danced together.

He chuckled. "ah I believe you are quite mistaken Severus."

"what makes you say that?"

I thought he was referring to the fact that Athena was not happy however he continued: "I have it from good authority that she has made it perfectly clear to poor Remus that they are just friends and nothing more."

This sentence froze me for a moment. Was I hearing correctly?

"Does Lupin know that? Just look at him, he looks at her like she's something to eat… ironic really."

Albus raised his eyebrows at me. "I believe Remus has feelings for her but she continues to discourage him. Might I ask why you have a sudden interest?"

He looked at me knowingly but I kept my calm, applying occlumency to stop him reading my thoughts. He looked back at the dance floor smiling, his face was lit up for a moment by a flashing light and I could see his eyes twinkling.

At this point my emotions were a mess. I was so happy that they weren't together and yet I didn't know why. I was angry at him for trying to pursue her. I picked up another bottle of Firewhiskey and downed it in one, feeling it burn against my throat.

Why did she have to spend the entire evening with him! I hardly got a chance to speak with her- he was always there! I kept drinking, bottle after bottle and yet it didn't seem to be having any effect on me. The music soon slowed right down and there he was; his werewolf hands on her waist. I nearly stormed right over there and tore them off before I realised that I had no motive: why was I caring?

She put her hands onto his shoulders and although she danced in close contact with him, she didn't smile. She was gazing off into the distance, expressionless, except… I was right. She was staring at me. At first I looked around, but there was just me standing here. I blinked, was I imagining this? No, she was looking at me, and what was that expression… was it longing?

I shook my head, how could I even be thinking about another woman like this! I felt so angry with myself I slammed the bottle down and left. I came back down here to the dungeons, hoping the cool air would clear my head for me but I think I was wrong.

At first I was so angry with myself; I kicked chairs, stunned glass vials and even punched the wall. It wasn't until I calmed down and had another drink that I began to think more clearly. I healed the wound on my fist with the tip of my wand and sat down.

There was something tapping at my conscience and I knew what it was but I couldn't bring myself to consider it. It almost brought a tear to my eye just to think about her.

_lily would want me to be happy._

I knew it was true and I knew that I had to move on. I would never stop loving her, I knew that, but I could at least try to move on. After all, I knew now what had happened to me. I had fallen in love with Athena without even realising it and now it has happened I can't go back. I can't help it.

I look back at this diary and all the evidence is there, I have written about her in almost every day, and if I haven't I am sure I was thinking about her. I took deep breaths. There was another thing I had to think about. Her: what if she rejected me? Could I face that? Could I ever look at her again?

Somehow I was reassured, I knew her nature, and I knew she wouldn't let it be awkward between us. But what about Lupin? Albus had reassured me they weren't together, but I saw him tonight, his filthy hands all over her body, he wanted her, it was obvious to anyone. The real question was… did she want him?

Albus had said she'd made it clear to Lupin they were just friends but why was that? Why didn't she want him? He was… I tried to put aside my hatred of him. From an unbiased outsider he was probably the perfect man. He was always with her, looking after her, making sure she was ok. He had been there that night when she cried, he had been there last night, ready to put a coat around her in the rain.

I had to make the decision: would I suppress my feelings, not say anything, just watch her continue her unhappy life without me, or would I do something about it, and even then what would I do? What would I say?

I stood up and threw my glass against the wall as hard as I could. It smashed on impact and the shards and splinters spread across the floor like a river bursting its banks. I stood up and left, slamming the door behind me, this was it, I had made my decision: **I am not a coward**.

I don't even know how I got to her room, it was late, the early hours of the morning and I didn't know if she would be sleeping. I didn't even know if the ball had finished yet, I paid no attention to anything accept my footsteps, quick on the cold stone as I hurried up the stairs and along the corridor. I saw no one and I let nothing distract me, my footsteps got faster and faster as I approached.

I knocked loudly on the door and waited, shifting my weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other, my hands sweating.

After a moment she opened it curiously, she was still in her dress, looking absolutely perfect. She smiled uncertainly at me but I ignored it. I walked in, my feelings seemed to take over and I bypassed her startled and confused expression, striding into her office and blurting out words and explanations without thinking. I can't remember exactly what happened or how it happened, but I remember something like this.

I think I paced angrily, angry at myself for not being able to find the right words. I sat down, only to result in standing straight back up again. I walked about frustrated, and all the while she just stood there, watching me calmly.

"I can't do it!" I blurted out suddenly. "I-I can't keep going on like this! I have to tell you! I can't stop thinking about you. I want to be with you, all the time, but when I am with you I mess it up, I say something rude and ridiculous and I am sorry but that is just how I feel and I can't change that and I can't function properly until I do something about it."

I paused, concentrating on taking deep breaths and watching her reaction. Her expression hadn't changed, she was just watching me.

I guessed she was trying to work out how to react, what to do, how she felt? But I had no idea. Her thoughts were her own, and this time I didn't even try and use legilimency. After what seemed like an age I could wait no longer.

"say something," I almost begged her desperately.

She looked at me, her lips parted in thought and then she whispered, in her soft voice. "I don't have to."

She walked over to me and she kissed me. It was… the best feeling I have had in my entire life. So full of love and- and feelings. I felt her soft hand on my face, my eyes closed and I was lost in the moment, lost forever in this one second of bliss. Her lips were so gentle and tender, coaxing mine apart and working in unison to create something so perfect.

I opened my eyes when we parted and she looked at me, an expression of wonder on her face.

I didn't say anything, I just walked around her and left.

I came straight here and sat down, just thinking about the last five minutes. The best five minutes of my life.

So that's where I am, here, now, writing in this diary because I can't get the smile off my face.


	12. Hellebore

I woke up this morning and I had to reassure myself with this diary that last night was not a dream.

I don't know what my next step should be. Should I go and see her? Or should I give her some space? There was another thing nagging me… she had been drinking a lot last night, even more than myself. Was it the alcohol that had made her act like that? If I wasn't such a neat perfectionist I'd have scribbled out the sentence above for sure. Last night wasn't a lie, it wasn't the result of some alcoholic beverage; it was real.

I decided to make a potion and the precise combination and controlled applications calmed me slightly, yet I was still feeling confused and out of control, and I didn't like that.

I was about half way through when there was a knock at the door. I opened it cautiously: it was her and my heart skipped a beat again, yet I didn't know what to say. I am out of my comfort zone, and so I said nothing and waited.

"um, hi," she stuttered, not looking at me. She pressed a book into my hand, "just… wanted to bring this back… thanks."

I looked down, it was the book I'd lent her on potions. She paused awkwardly for a moment and then turned to leave, nodding to herself.

I made my move: "won't- won't you come inside?"

She nodded again and turned and walked in past me, the hint of a smile on her face. She was wearing simple blue jeans and a white vest today, exaggerating her slender curves, the curves I'd caressed last night, just for that brief moment.

Her hair was tied back carelessly, small ringlets framing her face.

As I looked past her I noticed the liquid in my cauldron bubbling and I hurried over to sprinkle the next ingredient in. I quickly chopped up the green hellebore, quickly apologising to her.

"um, isn't that hellebore?" she asked.

I looked up at her, surprised at her knowledge and I nodded.

"isn't it poisonous?" she asked, moving closer to the table.

"There are several kinds of hellebore. The name comes from the Greek words 'elein' (to injure) and 'bora' (food) it's been believed to be a purgative, sometimes of bad things generally… used for things like protecting livestock from dark magic, and in powdered form for invisibility."

I froze for a moment, not wanting to seem like an insufferable know it all, but she was looking at me in wonder, not contempt "sit" I asked her pointedly.

She sat on the table opposite me, watching. I could feel her eyes on me, and it made me feel nervous, an emotion difficult to make me experience.

"what are you making?"

"surely you can tell me that?" I replied. She laughed and the sound made me smile too.

"well what else is in there?" was her reply.

"powdered moonstone" I began but she cut me off, smiling with satisfaction.

"the draught of peace."

I nodded, smiling at her slightly and she smiled back at me with her sweet, heart warming smile. However her smile faltered and I skipped a beat, what was wrong? I looked at her questioningly and she cringed,

"you didn't lower the flame."

I swore loudly, jumping back from the mess of melting ingredients that was now my cauldron and potion mixed together.

I vanished everything with a wave of wand, extremely embarrassed at failing at something so simple in front of her, however when I looked up her eyes were twinkling as she suppressed her laughter. She went to get another cauldron and I went to get some more ingredients for the cupboards.

"will you show me?" she said quietly, seeming unsure of the answer. I looked around at her frowning slightly. She was looking up at me with real curiosity and interest, not just humouring me. She helped me cut up the ingredients and I took her through each one as we added them to the steaming cauldron. The only difficulty she had was when she was trying to cut one of the beans. Her knife kept slipping and I moved over to her and turned the blade in her hand.

"crush it, it releases the juices better."

She smiled in wonder as more juice than seemed possible squirted from the tiny bean. She looked up at me in amazement and I smiled down at her. I quickly moved away again as soon as I realised my hand was still on hers, and the close proximity we were in, yet I remember the thrill I got from our close contact.

We added several more ingredients and stirred. I remembered to lower the flame the second time and when we added hellebore as the final ingredient it emitted a silver sheen.

She beamed at me, "how do you know how to make all this stuff, just off the top of your head, it's amazing…"

"you know a lot yourself."

"nothing this complicated."

"that dreamless sleep potion was pretty complicated…" I ventured, wondering if I'd gone too far.

She shrugged and asked who this potion was for, ignoring my last statement almost as if she expected me to ask it.

When we had cleared up she said she had to prepare for classes and that she might see me at dinner tonight. She left, giving me just a small wave. I smiled as I went to shut the door. Things weren't awkward; they were just how I wanted them to be.

I didn't see her that night, I sat in the great hall passing the time for a while but she didn't come.


	13. Rivers of Tears

Something strange has happened, something that I can't make sense of. I am helpless to the problem, to her pain, I don't know what to do to make it better for her because I don't know what's wrong in the first place. Is it me? The anger in her eyes… how do I react to that? To her hating me? What have I done, where did it all go so wrong?

That anger… I've seen it before, with Lily… after I said that word to her, everything changed- all I saw was anger and regret, and that's what I saw in Athena.

I hadn't seen her all day, I wondered if I should go and see her, just knock on the door? I gave in to my impatience.

I knocked but there was no answer. She was out. I knew she had lessons later on, so where was she? Shouldn't she be planning or something? I re-checked the great hall, scanning the busy crowd, but she was not there.

I gave up for now and was patrolling the grounds this afternoon. Albus had asked me to keep an eye on those dementors around the castle walls. I knew he'd be furious if any of them entered. I was passing by the main gates when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye.

It was a shoulder, I realised immediately the rest of the body was hidden beneath an invisibility cloak, and I drew my wand cautiously. What if it was Black? I could get him, right there, right now. It seemed odd, the person seemed to be slumped against a tree, I couldn't imagine Black hiding, or being careless by showing part of himself either. I approached the figure cautiously, I thought I saw them move slightly again and I pointed my wand, "show yourself!"

The figure disappeared; I could here quick footsteps, running. I swore. I wouldn't let them get away. _Accio Cloak!_ It wasn't what I expected. It couldn't be, I blinked and blinked again, but it was her.

"Athena?" It was a statement, but why did I say it in a questioning voice.

She turned, slowly on the spot to face me. There were tears falling down her cheeks and her eyes were red and puffy. The sight was painful to me, to see her like this, what was wrong? Why was she here? What had happened? A million other questions were stirring in my mind.

She looked at me, holding my gaze for a moment, burning into me again, except this time in her eyes I saw loss, pain, despair, anger, confusion. "just leave me alone."

That short sentence hurt even though I knew she probably didn't mean it. She didn't like to be seen upset or unhappy, I knew that. I had seen the way she always hid her emotions, her true feelings. I ignored her and followed her as she stumbled back toward the castle. I tried to speak to her as we entered the castle, but she rounded a corner sharply, cutting me off. I walked swiftly behind her as she climbed the stairs at such a fast pace I was almost scared she'd fall.

"Athena-" I tried to speak but she span around on the stairs, drawing her wand and pointing it at me threateningly. The tears continued streaming down her face. "just leave me the fuck alone" she whispered with such vengeance I was taken aback for a moment.

She turned, climbed the last few stairs and went toward her room. I couldn't leave her, and I followed her all the way to her door, where she slammed the door straight in my face. It was followed by a loud smashing sound on the other side of the door. Shards of glass flew under the door, scattering at my feet. I picked up a piece, just as I heard an uncontrollable sob from the other side of the wood.

I was helpless, the only thing I could do was find someone she would want to talk to, and I hated even admitting it, but I knew who that person was: Lupin.

I hurried quickly up to his office on the floor above. I had to act nonchalantly, like I didn't care, he didn't know that her and me are... were involved.

"Lupin" I said, I didn't even have to fake the surliness in my voice as I spoke to him, I just had to hide the desperation. "I believe it may interest you that your –e r- friend, Miss Finch finds herself unwell and upset. I believe she may want your company at this present time." He looked up startled, ad confused at my even telling him.

"is she ok? Where is she?"

"her office." I said shortly. "I'll tell Dumbledore to get cover for her lessons."

He nodded, and then hurried out past me, thanking me as he went. I shut his office door and came back here, just waiting for some news, some small indication that she was ok.

That is where I am now, writing in this damn diary, trying to make sense of everything. I am so bad at waiting, so damn impatient! I hate it when things are beyond my control and this is one of those things.


	14. Just a Kiss

I was writing in this diary in the corner of the classroom when the door opened. She stood there for a moment, and then she spoke in a quiet, slightly slurred voice.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered. "I- I was having a bad day and I didn't deal with it very well. It's no excuse for me to say that stuff to you and I didn't mean any of it and… I'm sorry."

She almost pleaded with me, as if she expected me not to forgive her. She was so wrong. I got up and sat on one of the desks, indicating for her to sit next to me. She did, and I could smell the alcohol on her. Things must be bad.

"do you want to talk about it?" I asked her: unsure what I wanted the answer to be.

She shook her head, not looking at me.

"we all have secrets" I said, entirely speaking the truth. I was unsure what she knew about me, but I had some pretty big secrets, that was for sure.

As we sat there together, both engrossed in our own thoughts I wondered if I should put my arm around her. I knew I probably should, it would be the right thing to do but was this one of those moments where she wanted her personal space? Was I even brave enough to do it? I almost did, my had flinched in my lap and then relaxed again. Why was I so nervous? I took a deep breath and lifted my arm around her waist and back. She made me feel so happy: she sighed, shut her eyes and leant her head on my shoulder. I can't explain how amazing it felt.

I went up to see Albus the next morning. Athena was there- she was crying again and I felt bad to intrude, yet why can't she tell her feelings to me instead of Albus! She turned around in her chair when I walked in and then quickly swivelled around as she tried to stifle her tears.

Albus asked me to please knock the next time I am entering his office, and I scowled at him, yet my eyes did not leave Athena's figure.

"I can come back headmaster?" I asked him in a surly voice, and he said I should revisit him tomorrow. I had to turn my back on her and leave her in her vulnerable state.

I waited outside her office and after an hour she came down. All trace of tears had been wiped from her face with her wand I assumed, yet I knew beneath that façade she was distressed.

"Miss Finch" I began, aware students were spilling from classrooms in the next corridor.

She shook her head at me. "not now Severus, I'm busy."

As she opened her door and tried to close it on me I stopped it with a firm hand and barged through it.

She told me to get out but I shut the door and confronted her.

At first she didn't even fight back to my interrogation, she tried to walk away into her living quarters but I grabbed her arm and span her around.

"Athena you can't hide from me! This isn't how it works!"

"then how does it work Severus!" She shouted at me. "do I have to tell you every single thought that floats through my mind!"

"that's not what I-"

"then get the fuck out of here!"

"communicate with me!"

"What gives you the fucking right! We shared one damn kiss a few days ago and now I have to spill my heart out!"

That comment hurt. I remember it word for word and I keep thinking it over and over in my head… it was just a kiss to her, just a physical occurrence; a mistake.

I glared at her, unable to express my true feelings. "shall I send wolf boy up?" I remember sneering. "I'm sure he's dying to have his shoulder cried on by you."

She slapped me.

My cheek still stings. Looking back over what I have written I probably deserved it. I suppose my way of deflecting is to say something insensitive and hurtful, yet I have never had that reaction before. No one in this castle even retorts back to me, never mind physically assault me!

She is fiery… it's attractive, yet I realise now there is no point in me even noticing… it is quite obvious my feelings are unreturned. I am sure that one day I will be used to this unrequited feeling, but for now it still hurts, although I shall never show it. I imagine-

I was seated at my desk, writing the above as the classroom door creaked open.

It was Athena… I shut this book immediately and put the normal security on it before I stood up to recognise her presence.

She leant against the door and pressed her lips together tightly, as though trying not to cry again. After a moment's silence she spoke in a hoarse voice. "you're right… I'm not okay."

I nodded from across the room, unsure of what to say or do. I am so out of my depth in these social situations. She seemed to realise that, even among the chaos of her own feelings and she sat down on a desk in the classroom, jerking her head to indicate I should join her.

There was silence again for a moment as I waited for her to explain and then she said something that made me panic, something I am sure every man dreads to hear.

"I'm in love with someone else."


	15. There Aren't Words

There was a long pause.

"We have been dating for about two years… and then I had to leave him… to come here…"

My lips tightened. I was consumed with confusion, anger, betrayal, yet why did I feel these things! She was right- we had shared a kiss. At least, to her we did…

"I told him we had to break up, I had to leave him. I knew I would return in a few years but I couldn't ask him to wait for me, no matter how badly I wanted him to…"

There was another pause. I couldn't look at her. I could see her crying, but I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge it…

"and yesterday I received some news… He'd killed himself… he'd killed himself because of me!"

It was then that I looked at her. There were tears glistening on her cheeks as she stared determinedly ahead. She looked broken.

I knew the feeling of having someone you love so fully to be ripped away from you… because of something you'd done…

I stood up and did the only thing I felt natural doing. I walked to her and I pulled my arms around her and I held her to me.

We stayed like that for long moments until she had stopped crying.

I realise I write of these happenings with such lack of emotion, yet the storm and concoction of feelings in those moments is too great to write about.

There aren't words to describe the feeling of her heart beating against my chest.

There aren't words to describe the feeling of protection as she clung to me as though I were her saviour.

There aren't words to describe how much I love her.


	16. Healer

There was a knock on my office door quite early this morning, however I am always up early, so it wasn't a problem.

It was Athena. She really is most mysterious and incredible. I opened it and saw her; I barely had time to smile before she stepped in, put a hand to my cheek and kissed me.

It was the first time she had kissed me since that night, and this one was even more amazing. Her soft lips, her soft hand, she had the power to make me forget reality, to forget time, to forget everything except this one moment.

She moved away, opening her eyes, she looked into mine for a split second and then she turned and left, shutting the door behind her. I stood there, frozen for a second, just watching the space where she had come and gone in a matter of seconds.

I guess we have an… arrangement now… I would not call it a relationship, relationships always fail and every bone in my body wants to make this work. I realise it will take time for her to heal, but perhaps I can help her.

I ate lunch in my office having asked the house elves to bring up some sandwiches as I had a report to write and some essays to mark, such a dull tiring business, especially when the third years who ha written them were absolutely incapable of using common sense.

The only reasonably graded one was that of Hermione Granger, and that was only as she had quoted the textbook. When will she understand that this subject is not just about the written knowledge and text books but about improvisation and understanding?

After that seemingly never ending task I began brewing another batch of polyjuice potion, my last had run out incredibly quickly. I can't stop thinking about that kiss this morning. It's as though she planned it, to make sure I didn't forget her for the entire day. She didn't need to worry, I couldn't forget her if I tried.

She was eating dinner with Remus as I descended into the great hall that evening and I froze as I noticed her red eyes again; she had been crying. I remembered we were a public secret and as difficult as it was I ignored her and sat with Albus who had ventured down for some cottage pie.

"any news on Black?" I asked him.

"There have been sightings just the other side of Hogsmeade," he said gravely.

"Will he come here do you think?"

"It's always a possibility. We must be on our guard."

I nodded.

"how is Athena?'

I shrugged, "how should I know?"

He raised his eyebrows at me. "I thought you would have checked up on her."

"why would I do that?" I'm sure she's just overreacting to something. Anyway, she's with the werewolf over there, go ask her yourself." I wasn't sure he was convinced. How did he know! How was it he knew everything!

"perhaps I shall. What is your opinion of her now?"

"I have none." I changed the subject after this.

* * *

**Author's Note: Reviews make me dance! **


	17. Hung Over

I am afraid I have rather neglected my diary during the past few days. I have just been extremely busy!

It is nearly a full moon and so I have had to prepare Lupin's wolfsbane as well as my usual batch of potions. On Thursday I took another trip into Diagon Alley, I needed to restock many of my ingredients and also buy the new copy of advanced potion making volume three. I began reading it this morning, it really is most enlightening. Libatius really is an excellent writer.

The funeral of Athena's man- (I don't know what to call him) was the day before yesterday. I asked her if she wanted me to go with her and she said no. I feel slightly helpless- I can see she is in such pain, yet she will never admit it to me…

I wonder if she will want space away from me. It's understandable… someone she cares for has just died. Did she really love him? I think the answer is yes and that displeases me- it only results in causing her more pain and… making me jealous…

I waited for her return that afternoon but she did not come and so I left her a quick note;

_Athena,_

_please notify me when you have returned to the castle, _

_I await your owl. Severus. _

It wasn't until three in the morning after I had retired to bed when I heard her owl tapping on my window.

_I'm in the castle, but please don't come looking for me, I need some time. _

_Athena._

It took great self restraint and will power to do as she said and not find her, but i managed it. That next morning she was not in the great hall and so I took her a piece of toast, making sure no professors were witnessing.

She answered on my second impatient knock, wearing a long shirt and a pair of shorts- I could hardly concentrate on why I was there. When she cleared her throat to distract me from her long, golden, silky legs my eyes flickered up to her face; she looked exhausted, her eyes were red and her hair ruffled as though she had just awoken.

"you look awful," I ventured. (looking back I realise that was highly insensitive)

"then you have excellent perception" she said sarcastically in a quiet, dry voice, making my mouth twitch into an almost smile.

"I brought toast."

"I'm not hungry." I noticed her voice was slightly slurred and she was clutching the doorframe for support.

"when was the last time you ate?"

At this point she huffed and snatched the toast from my hand, nibbling the end and turning into the room, swaying slightly from the sudden movement. I followed her apprehensively and shut the door rather than linger on the doorstep.

The room was scattered with empty bottles of alcohol. 'Alcopops' I believe Muggles call them- and I even found a half empty bottle of straight vodka in the kitchen.

"you've been drinking" I said disapprovingly.

"no shit Sherlock." I wasn't quite sure what that meant or why she was calling me Sherlock but I continued.

"do you want to drive yourself to an early grave?" I muttered through gritted teeth, forcing her onto a chair and taking her temperature and alcohol levels with my wand.

"You're over twenty seven units, good god what have you been drinking?"

"fuck off" she slurred.

I routed around in her potions cupboard in the office and found a hangover one, practically forcing it down her neck. Her eyes shut and her shoulders seemed to slump slightly as the alcohol was evaporated from her system.

_I hesitantly put my hand on her shoulder, trying to be comforting. _

_Her head lifted slowly and she sighed. "thanks for the potion" she muttered not looking me in the eye. _

"_are you ok?" _

"_no point dwelling on the past Severus." _

_Albus is constantly telling me that- reciting those words to me exactly almost every month- but hearing them from her mouth was like hearing them for the first time. I nodded slightly. _

"_I have a class…" I muttered, realising it was nine o' clock and I was late. _

"_go, please, I… thanks for… sorting me out I guess…" _

_I nodded and then left her there on the sofa, thinking about the man she loved. _


	18. She Makes me Feel

I almost walked into her in the charms corridor today. She looked better, almost cheerful.

"would you like to join me for dinner this evening?" she asked smiling.

"I'd like that."

"Come about seven? I'll cook as long as you know a cure to food poisoning"

I smiled, "I'm sure that won't be necessary."

At this point a door to my left opened and a pupil entered the corridor.

"thanks for your help Severus" Athena said in a harsh voice before walking off back to her classroom. When she got to the bottom of the corridor she turned, and when she saw I was still watching her she smiled. I couldn't help smiling to myself too.

I had a shower at about six and I put on some black robes and shoes. I wasn't sure whether to take anything, but to me she didn't seem like the kind of person who'd want flowers or anything, and I certainly wasn't the sort of man who buys or conjures them.

I walked up there that evening, careful to avoid any lingering pupils or passing professors. I knocked on the door as my watch ticked seven and she opened it smiling. She was wearing deep purple robes and had her hair curled. She led me through the office to her living quarters and hurried into the kitchen.

"make yourself comfortable" she called and I looked around her living room curiously.

In the corner stood an expensive looking electric guitar, next to it there was a long sofa stretched out with a large muggle stereo sitting on a cabinet on the other side. The opposite wall was lined with bookshelves crammed with hundreds of books and upon which also stood two photo frames.

As I looked closer I could see one was her with her family, one with her friends. However when I looked closer there seemed to be another photo hidden behind one of the frames.

It was a picture of her and a man. It was slightly crumpled and had creases running through it, as if it had been scrunched up and then straightened out. In the photo she was in a short silver dress laughing with a man in a pink sweater who had his arm around her. They seemed to be on a train somewhere at night.

The sudden clunk of pans from the other room made me jump and put the photo back where I found it. I'm curious though… who is this man? Who is he in relation to her and why did she try to hide the photograph? Also, why was it crumpled and without a frame? I shall not ask her any of these questions, it is none of my business and I shouldn't have seen it in the first place. I don't know why but all my rules with her seem to be different. It may be because I can't use occlumency on her. Her thoughts are out of my reach and now I don't want to know them unless she decides to tell me.

I turned and had another look around the room. There were some other muggle contraptions, a mobile phone, a small pink thing with a round circle and a screen in the middle which she later told me was an eye-pod, a muggle contraption for playing music. I strolled into the kitchen where a nice steamy smell was erupting from.

"smells delicious." I commented

"but will it be edible?" she replied, her eyes smiling again.

The kitchen was quite simple, just the units and a small table and chairs, set for two people. I peered through one of the doors that led off the living room. It was her bedroom. I felt as though I shouldn't look in it but I couldn't help it. The first thing that struck me was the wall opposite the double bed. It had been painted on with small brushes, hundreds of what seemed to be quotes and song lyrics plastered over each other. There was a pot of lime green paint sitting on a chair with a wet paintbrush leaning on top. I scanned the wall for lime green and found her most recent quote:

"Thomas Edison's last words were, it's very beautiful over there. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere and I hope it's beautiful."

I didn't know who Thomas Edison was but the quote was quite thought provoking. I couldn't make up my mind if it was a happy quote or a sad one. My eyes strayed across the room again. A white painted wardrobe stood behind the door and the only other piece of furniture was a small bedside table, containing a lot of clutter. It was all too small and too far away for me to see clearly and I didn't dare venture any further into the room.

"dinners out" she called from the other room. I went through and sat down at the table to a steaming plate of chicken curry. She had even fried poppadoms and it looked and tasted delicious. I told her so and she smiled slightly thanking me.

We spoke of Sirius Black, of Albus, of the school and finally each other. I told her all about me, thinking she would be extremely bored but she kept asking me questions as if she really was interested in the answers and later on when I started to ask her questions I realised how interesting it actually was to talk to her. Of course I couldn't be sure if she answered them truthfully and I didn't ask any deep, mysterious questions but I still enjoyed just sitting and talking.

"so is it true that you see things?" was one of my questions. She looked up at me surprised, "yes I do." She paused for a moment and then put her fork down and frowned slightly as if trying to choose the exact right words to use. "It's like… it's not when I'm emotionally close to people or anything, it's physically. If I chose to, I can see things of other people's lives, their past…the present… the future…"

"are you trying it on me?" I asked, wondering if she already had but she answered my question quickly with a sharp no. "I, I don't want to know about your past and I don't want to know about your future," she said. "I only want to do with your present at this moment. Plus, you can't see into my mind so why should I see into yours."

"you saw me trying then?"

"felt more like" she said smiling. "Your look of concentration almost burned!"

I laughed, again noticing how happy it made me feel.

We talked and laughed throughout the entire evening, however at eleven I decided to make an excuse and leave. I didn't want to over stay my welcome, plus I had work to do in the morning. She walked me to the door and thanked me for being such good company.

This made me smile and I thanked her for being such a good cook.

She leant up and kissed me. Not a small kiss like she had previously, but this time a full on kiss, her mouth moved with mine, her lips were wet from my mouth, our eyes were closed as I moved my hands through her hair and down her back.

I could feel her wrapping her arms around my neck, pulling me closer, but that was all I could sense: her. Nothing outside our kiss mattered and if it did matter I couldn't notice it. Again I was lost; she had the power to make me drop everything, to loose my senses, to forget who I was. I felt like my heart was burning with passion! Her tongue swirled in my mouth, the taste of her hot breath was like oxygen, I didn't want it to end.

When we finally did pull apart she kept her eyes closed for a moment before flashing them open and looking into my eyes. "goodnight," she whispered breathlessly.

I bowed my head to her and left, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other and allowing my subconscious to guide me back to my office.

My conscious mind was full of her, her taste was still on my lips and I could feel where she had wrapped her arms around me. It felt like bliss, like I was finally being rewarded for the sacrifices I had made. I wondered what she was thinking of right now.


	19. Novalis

I bumped into her this morning on her way back up to the castle. She walked with me slowly towards the doors. She had been to Hogsmeade to buy Lupin some chocolates. It had been the full moon last night and she said she was worried about him.

She shoved me slightly when I scowled and made a comment about him being used to being on his own. I am not sure if she knows about the past between us. I won't mention it unless she wonders aloud why I hate him. And it is quite obvious to everyone that I hate him too. Somehow, at the back of my mind I think she knows. She said she had never tried to see into my past yet… even Albus said she probably knew more about me than I about her. I knew that was true however, I know hardly anything about her.

There have been some more sightings of Black around the Hogsmeade area. Albus thinks he may attempt to come here despite the intense security. No one can understand how he managed to escape from Azkaban. Sometimes I wish I could get my hands on him the slimy filthy scoundrel. After everything he did to me when I was growing up, I am sure I shall never even consider forgiving him.

Last night I… spent the night at Athena's… I shall try to write about what happened but surely words can't describe something so passionate and overwhelmingly blissful …

We spent the evening sitting in her living room, drinking Firewhiskey. I can't remember much of the conversation, but she laughed a lot… I love her laugh, yet whenever I try to remember it in my head it just isn't the same, it's so precious; produced only in that moment, and the second it starts to fade it is gone forever.

I don't understand why we're still together… everybody hates me! I admit that I am… snarky, arrogant, impolite and opinionated, yet she doesn't seem to care. The only time she gets angry is when I insult Lupin, which isn't hard and does happen quite often, however I do try to limit my verbal abuse around her.

Anyway, I stood up to leave at about eleven as usual, and as I was at the door she suggested something that I confess, has been on my mind for a long time. Her quiet, slightly embarrassed words were, "or… you can stay?"

She was smiling nervously as she sat on the sofa, waiting for an answer.

"are you sure?"- I had to check, I didn't want to pressure her, but she nodded and so I went and sat back next to her, kissing her deeply and vanishing the Firewhiskey from her hand.

Everything happened so quickly, we were overcome by a sudden urge, as though electricity and magic was pulsing through our veins instead of blood. I felt her hands frantically pushing away my robe and my own fingers were lifting her t shirt over her head. I gasped breath as my eyes grazed over her olive skin, her round breasts.

It became too much for my control and I pushed her back onto the sofa, crushing my body on top of hers as our tongues entwined together in a furious dance.

She moaned against my mouth as she felt my body responding to hers, and her hands were at my shirt again, trying to tug it off.

For a split second, panic and reality returned; if she removed my shirt she would see my dark mark. I drew back from her and I wonder if she saw the flash of fear and danger in my eyes.

"not here" I panted, my brain having to work doubly hard to come up with a plan whilst she was lying half naked under my quickly hardening body.

"bedroom" I managed and I scrambled off the sofa, my shirt open, and grabbed her hand, pulling her along behind me as I raced into her bedroom. I caught a flicker of her seductive smile as she lay on the bed waiting for me, and then I waved my wand through the air, plunging us into darkness. I removed my shirt myself; there was no danger of her seeing it now. I made my way blindly toward the bed and I felt warm hands on me, pulling me down on top of her.

Worry had replaced the screaming ecstasy as we had both come down from our highs last night. I had rolled away from her, not wanting to hurt her small body as the energy was seeped from me, and there was a space between us: a clearance. I worried that she had regrets, or that it had not meant the same to her; that this physical space was emotional too.

Yet in the darkness her hand found mine, and her fingers linked through my own, connecting us again, as we had just been physically connected.

My worry evaporated and I listened to her rugged breathing until it slowly calmed and then lapsed into that quiet, regular pattern.

I did not get the chance to see her beautiful naked body until she had fallen asleep and it was safe for me to light candles with a lazy wave of my wand. She was still naked, the silk duvet covering her waist. Her hair was fanned out around her, her eyes shut with the sweetest calmest expression on her face. I lay, perched on my elbows, watching the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest, and the perfect-ness of her breasts that I had just had the consent to feel and caress.

I wasn't sure if I was dreaming. Never in my life had I made love with a woman without paying her… and now I had just made love, not only with a beautiful consenting woman, but with someone I love.

I did not fall asleep there; I forced myself away from her after about two hours of simply lying next to her, watching and listening in the dark. I found my clothes, scattered carelessly around the room and slipped on my shoes. I wrote her a quick note;

_we are near waking when we dream we are dreaming_

_S x _

* * *

**Author's Note: Quote is by a guy called Novalis- i think it perfectly describes Severus's feelings at the moment, he can hardly believe it's happening to him.**

**R&R pleasey pleasey!**


	20. The Forbidden Forest

She greeted me colloquially at breakfast the next morning with a simple "Professor Snape." I think I have strained my neck I turned to see her so quickly. She had left a seat in between us, as usual, so as not to be suspicious, and I was aware Minerva and Pomona were gossiping together only a few yards away.

It took me a few moments to realise I should respond, and so I hastened to clear my mind of the memories of last night, gave a slight cough and managed a pathetic "Miss Finch."

"Are you collecting potions ingredients from the grounds today? It's good weather for it- the vegetation inside the forest will be fertile."

I was confused by the apparent randomness of her question and I glanced up at the magical ceiling to see that it was, indeed, a cloudless sky.

"Perhaps."

"I might see you after dinner then, good day."

And that was it. That was our conversation and not once did she look me in the eye, or turn her head towards mine. And now what else can I do but go to the forest after dinner and wait for her…

* * *

I may be paying more trips to the forest in the future.

She was waiting for me, sitting a little deep in the forest against a tree. It took my a while to find her but I could hear her singing to herself, and saw red stars that she sparked from her wand. We were well out of the way of students or teachers and I knew I could speak to her freely.

"Athena" I said softly from across the tiny clearing.

She smiled at my voice and stood up, gazing at my face. My eyes raked over her mini skirt and bomber jacket and I could not help but smile in a way she later called 'seductive'. Honestly I have never been called seductive in my entire life- and here she is saying that I not only have a seductive smile but a voice that (and I quote) 'turns me on.' I have always been able to manipulate my voice- changing from cool to murderous in a heartbeat, but 'seductive' has never been on the list.

"muffliato" I muttered, making sure we were not heard and at my spell she smiled at me from across the clearing, a teasing smile and that was all my control lost- I strode across and lifted her up to kiss me. Her legs wrapped tightly around my waist and I moved so that she was partly supported by the tree behind her.

Our lips didn't part, I craved her, every part of her, in that moment I needed her and only her. I remember the glint in her eyes as my hands found her thighs and she drew back very slightly and panted, "here?" but it was not a question, more a confirmation and it drove me wild.

It was so different to last night- I felt different inside her, the new position aiding me to hit spots inside her that had her screaming, and her fingers gripped into my shoulders so passionately that I was groaning with the intensity. I admit- I did not last long- it was impossible to remain in control after she screamed my name, chopping it up into syllables as her muscles contracted around me and I found my high.

I slid her slowly down the tree and we collapsed at the bottom, a tangle of limbs, panting and laughing at each other. When I had regained my breath I redid the button on my trousers and straightened my collar. She smiled at me, flattening her skirt and then she lay back on the forest floor, only to jump up yelping in pain. I saw the cause before her and I couldn't contain my smile, "splinters."

She laughed and lay on her front instead, resting her head on her arms and gazing around at me, always with that sweet smile on her face.

I used my wand to remove the splinters and pulled her to a standing position with me, nudging my lips to hers very softly.

She sighed contently in my arms, "so that's why it's called the 'forbidden' forest."

I chuckled at her joke and then my smile faltered as I realised I had to get back to the castle.

She nodded, understanding. "make sure you pick up some ingredients on your way out so it doesn't look suspicious."

I nodded and kissed her and then we parted, her walking to Hagrid's hut, and me to the castle, using my wand to remove any traces of my afternoon's activities.

* * *

**Author's Note: hey guys thanks for reading! i feel major nervous posting this and it's not even that bad! Please please review and tell me what you think- even if it's just one word! thank you!**


	21. Nights In

I asked Athena if she would like to join me for a drink at my quarters tonight. She agreed and is coming around at about eight. I can't wait to see her again after the other day in the forest, especially when it's just the two of us.

I am not even ashamed to admit that I am smiling whilst writing this.

I haven't bothered to tidy my rooms or hide anything shameful. She had let me see her living quarters countless times with it being normal and untouched and I was determined to do the same.

At ten to eight I had a quick look around everywhere. She read a lot of books, just like me. Three of the walls in my living room were piled high with bookshelves with well thumbed copies of dark art books, potion methods, magical creatures, sci-fi and also some muggle novels I had bought in London. I had a black leather sofa against the remaining wall, probably one of my most expensive purchases. It was of the finest quality and where I liked to stretch out and read. A wooden table stood low in the middle of the room, holding a cup of coffee, some spindly instruments and a stack of daily prophets. There were no photos.

There was a knock on the door just before eight. I opened the door from my living room with a wave of my wand, calling to her from the kitchen. When I turned around, drying my hands on a towel she was leaning against the door frame in a simple black dress smiling at me. As every time I see her I was momentarily breath taken. She looked up at me with her large brown eyes that seemed to twinkle at me.

"you look…wow" was all I managed to say. She laughed a little and came and gave me a kiss.

I got us both a bottle of Firewhiskey and I led her through to the living room.

She exclaimed in awe at the amount of books I had and she scanned through all the titles, trailing her fingers across the spines of the many volumes. "the Great Gatsby" she said, pausing on one of my muggle novels.

"have you read it?"

She nodded. "It's amazing isn't it? So beautifully written…"

She sat down next to me on the sofa.

"how was your day?"" she asked.

It was strange, with anyone else it would just be like making conversation but with her I believed that she really wanted to know. I told her what I'd done, talked about my conversations with Albus.

She had spent the day in lessons and with 'Remus'. I was expecting to be jealous of him but I wasn't. The only thing I was jealous was that he got to spend so much more time with her than I did, and their relationship didn't have to be kept secret as ours did. We talked for hours, there was so much to know about her. Sometimes I wondered if she was even telling the truth, but I found I didn't care. I was curious, I knew I'd never stop being curious about her but I wasn't going to use legilimency to find out the truth.

I could see the fondness in her eyes when she spoke of Albus. She talked of him being like a father to her, and I understood what she meant. I knew he'd been looking out for her. When I asked her about her real parents she shrugged and said they lived in Wales. Then she changed the subject: it was strange.

Neither of us realised how late it had become until I looked at the clock and realised it was half past midnight. I wondered if I should mention it , but at this point I had my arm around her and her head was resting on my shoulder. I shut my eyes, breathed in her smell and leant my head against the back of the sofa.

"this mead is wonderful" she muttered taking another sip.

"Rosmerta's finest" I replied softly.

I opened my eyes about a minute later and she had fallen asleep, leaning onto my shoulder, her eyes closed, her expression peaceful. I watched for a moment as her chest moved up and down rhythmically and then I leant aver with my other arm and took the bottle from her loosened grip. I put it on the table with my own. I sighed, loving the feel of me being the protector, taking care of her as she nestled into me for protection. I sat there watching her until I fell asleep myself.

When I awoke the next morning she was in the kitchen making coffee. I rubbed my neck, it was sore from leaning against the back of the sofa all night. I smiled as I remembered how we had gone to sleep. I walked through to the kitchen. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a long shirt and her hair was wet.

"I used your shower I hope you don't mind" she smiled apologetically. I shook my head.

"how long have you been up?"

"not long."

It was really strange waking up with someone else, but I found it was a nice kind of strange…

"coffee?" she asked.

"please." I walked up behind her and kissed her on the neck. She smiled, shutting her eyes and linking her fingers through mine briefly.

"I had a great night last night," she said, pouring the coffee and handing me a mug.

"so did I." I replied, meaning every word. I sat on the sofa and she sat opposite me on the coffee table as we drank our warm drinks.

"can I ask you about what you can do?" I said, unsure of the answer.

"you can ask" she said her eyes twinkling, "but it does not mean I shall answer."

"who have you tried it on?"

She thought for a moment. "one or two people you don't know and Remus, that's all."

"did he know you used it on him?"

"yes, I have to get pretty close to you to do it, trust me, you'd notice." I didn't want to think about her being close to Lupin so I asked another question.

"do you enjoy being able to see things?"

Again she thought before answering. "sometimes it is helpful, but other times… I feel terrible knowing things about people that maybe they don't want me to know. It's like I'm invading their privacy, their personal memories. Sometimes if I'm not thinking properly I can get a flash of the life of someone standing nearby. Just one image or something, but still… it's like I'm stealing their lives for that split second… And even if I do use it like I did with Remus… I find it very hard to control what I see or to focus on certain parts of it. That requires a lot of concentration and strength. "she frowned as if remembering something but then continued. "so in short… yes and no. which probably doesn't answer your question at all," she smiled, still seeming lost in thought.

"I think I understand" I replied smiling. I went to take a quick shower but when I returned to the living room she had gone. She had washed up our mugs and left a note on the worktop.

'_Thanks for a great night, A xx' _

I smiled as I read it, but I was also slightly disappointed I couldn't say goodbye properly. I knew it would be a few days before we could have another night like last night, if we were to avoid suspicion from people.

There was a Quidditch match this afternoon and I made my way down to the pitch with Albus and Minerva. She was sitting in the same box as us, except she was sitting in the corner with Lupin. She had told me last night that she felt so sorry for him, having to go through that every month.

I made no comment and when she noticed my silence she smiled and said "I know you don't like him Severus, and with good reason, but thank you so much for making his wolfsbane. It makes such a difference to his mood knowing that he can rely on you."

I nodded, curious as to what she thought the reason was but deciding not to question her. It was one of the things I had learned not to do: she had so many secrets that I wanted to know and yet… I didn't want to know unless she voluntarily told me.

I was not going to mess this up as I had once thrown away a relationship with the love of my life. Here and now I had been given a second chance.

The Quidditch match was horrific. Albus is absolutely furious, the dementors came with in the grounds during the match. Potter is snivelling in the hospital wing, along with some other Hufflepuff team members who had been injured by the storm.

The first thing he did was call for the minister of magic, and when he did come, armed by hi s usual soldiers, Kingsley, whom seems quite respectable and Dawlish, who appears to be a mute, Albus really turned on his anger. It's clear why so many people fear him.


	22. Sirius Black

I walked smack bang into a conversation between Albus and Athena this afternoon. I knocked on his door and walked into his office without waiting for a reply as he was usually alone at this time of the day and didn't mind me entering without his permission.

I thought his room was empty at first but then when I looked to the back they were huddled around the pensieve. Athena was prodding at the silver liquid with her wand and Albus was nodding at something she said.

"headmaster" I said, clearing my throat to make my presence known.

They both turned around suddenly, Albus smiled and although Athena gave a small smile she looked uneasy. I wondered what they had been looking at. They both wandered over to me, and I had to remind myself that I couldn't make any indication to my feelings.

"Albus I just wanted to talk to you about a ministry matter? I could come back, it's not urgent…" I avoided looking at her.

"no don't worry, I was just about to go anyway…" she said, walking toward the desk to get her bag. She paused at the door. "Albus is it ok if I come around again tomorrow night? I need you opinion on something…"

Albus smiled warmly, "of course."

She left with a smile at both of us.

Albus cleared his throat and sat down again behind his desk, indicating the seat opposite me.

"what was all that about?" I asked.

"nothing that concerns yourself" he said smiling at me. I knew he didn't mind me asking but I minded his answer! What was so secretive between them, what didn't I know? I made a mental note to ask her the next time we were together.

I tried not to look bothered at Albus' reply and changed the subject to what I had come there to say.

My mark is getting darker- I can hardly believe what it means- that He's… getting stronger, wherever he is…

I thought I was imagining it and so I showed Albus, but he agreed… this is bad news for everyone.

* * *

Sirius Black has been captured!

I can't write the entire night events for it shall take too much, but I shall try to add in as much as possible.

I have always been suspicious of Lupin, I knew it! It was him all along; he was helping Black into the castle. They had been friends in school, I knew they were still!

I followed him tonight into a secret passage behind the whomping willow tree and there he was in a room with Sirius Black and Potter and his friends.

I disarmed him and turned my wand on all of them. I'll skip the details but basically Lupin transformed into a werewolf as he forgot to take the potion I gave him, and Black was caught by the dementors and is locked in the tower to await death.

**Justice, finally!**

Potter is making me absolutely furious! Daring to suggest that Black could be innocent! It's completely ridiculous. I have just been to Albus' office, awaiting the minister with his permission. Albus says he shall send for me the moment the minister arrives.

Dammit! I am completely livid, absolutely infuriated, there isn't even a word for how angry I am!

Black has escaped! We went up to the tower to fetch him and he was gone! The walls had been blown in from the outside, proving that he had a helper! I can't make sense of it, I thought it was just Lupin, but he has transformed and will be a werewolf until morning. How has he escaped again! I am almost positive Potter is behind it, but witnesses have confirmed he was in the hospital wing the whole time! How did he do it?

There's something else too: when I returned to my office this evening there was a note pinned to the kitchen door.

_Gone away for the night._

_Don't worry I'm safe. _

_Need to explain things in the morning. Sleep Well._

What does this mean? I won't bring myself to consider the possibility that she could have been involved in Blacks escape- that would be barbaric.

I trust her, I know her, and I know she wouldn't let a mass murderer escape! Yet where has she gone? The way she said 'I'm safe' makes it seem like she isn't actually safe. I know that she is wise enough to be on her guard, but with a werewolf and a murderer on the run… I don't know what to think…


	23. I Love You

I feel betrayed… confused… angry…

I was with Albus, Minerva and ministry officials arguing about Black this morning. The minister blames everything on Dumbledore, which is no more than he expected even though that concept is completely ridiculous of course.

Anyway, so we were probably in the heat of the argument when Athena knocked on the door.

"minister!" she exclaimed when he flung it open.

At first I was just relived to see that she was safe. I gave her a swift smile that she returned. She looked fine health wise, but otherwise she looked tired and concerned.

"I suppose you've heard too!" the minister spat at her.

"Yeah I did… bit of a tragedy I guess…" she replied nonchalantly, her eyes smiling.

"Tragedy! I think that's a bit of an understatement don't you!" he exclaimed.

She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Thank you for your co operation Dumbledore!" Fudge snarled sarcastically. He marched out, the ministry officials and Minerva followed him.

"fudge has really got his wand in a knot." She said walking into the room.

Albus chuckled and gestured for her to sit.

"how is he?" Albus asked. At first this question made no sense to me, but then I realised it was directed at Athena.

"how did you know?" she asked wondrously.

Albus' eyes twinkled and she smiled.

"He's ok… still not got his head around it, poor thing, I took food and things, should last him a couple of days."

Albus nodded but I had worked it out:

"You've taken food to that filthy dog! He's on the run for murder and you took him food!" I spat at her.

How could she do that! To run away with a murderer! To help him escape! To betray me!

She stood up at my accusation. "Severus, he's innocent, I swear to you!" The way she said it, the way her eyes looked into mine I believed her, I believed that he was innocent but that did not make anything better.

She didn't need to but she explained to me anyway. She talked about Black not killing those people, she even had proof that he hadn't.

"Just because he's innocent of that crime it doesn't mean he's innocent of everything else!" I argued, thinking of all the other vicious things I knew he was capable of. Not to mention the fact that he had spent half his life in prison!

"Severus the man spent thirteen years in Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit!"

I was fuming that she would put herself in such stupid danger! "So that's where you went last night! To spend the night with a convicted murderer who probably hasn't even seen another woman in over a decade! How do you know what filthy thoughts went through his head! He could have-"

"-you think I can't take care of myself!"

At this point Albus interrupted us with a comment that surprised me, yet I didn't seem to mind.

"let's not turn this into a lovers tiff now!" he said loudly.

We were both momentarily cut silent.

"how…" began Athena but he just chuckled,

"there are no secrets from me within these walls" he said.

Athena sat down again, seeming defeated.

"the real question is where is he going to go?"

Athena did the strangest thing. It's… unexplainable… I don't know what to make of it, and why she hasn't mentioned it to me before…

She glanced around the room and then took a deep breath and shut her eyes, Her expression remained blank and she just sat there with her eyes closed. I looked at Albus for an explanation but he was watching her closely. Her eyes flickered open and she looked straight at Albus, avoiding my eyes.

"He'll fly to the Caribbean tonight and stay on a few isolated islands for a while. Then he'll move to mountains somewhere north. He promised he'd stay in touch." I was stunned… how could she know that by shutting her eyes? She said she could only do that if she was within close proximity to someone, but Black was certainly not here, so…

I looked at her questioningly but she was determined to look at Albus only.

"excellent" Albus replied to her, "and he'll be safe?"

She nodded and Albus stood up. We both knew it was our hint to be excused but she made an excuse.

"actually Albus I was wondering if I could have a word…"

That was it for me, I couldn't believe how she could blatantly avoid me like that. I walked smartly to the door and slammed it behind me.

I came straight here to write in this, just to try and make some sense of everything. I have some theories of how she could do that but all of them seem too ridiculous. If I truly know her I am sure she will come and explain so I shall wait here until she does, even if I'm not going to like what I hear.

* * *

She came about an hour after I wrote the last paragraph. I had opened the door already and sat down to do some marking to take my mind off things.

"I need to talk to you" a quiet voice by the door said.

She shut the door and walked over to a desk, sitting on one and gesturing for me to sit opposite her. I did, but she still wouldn't look at me, she won't even risk a glance, instead she just stared at the floor as if her life depended on it. And then she began:

"I'm not who you think I am. I'm not here for the reason you think I am. We've been together months now Sev and... I've known the time was getting nearer for me to tell you the truth I've just, never had the courage. And then tonight… well, you saw what I did. It kinda meant that I had to tell you tonight whether I like it or not… I don't just see things when people are close to me. I have visions of the future; I know things before they happen. I could tell you completely random things about some people, and important significant things about others it's complicated.

But… the unspeakables at the ministry of magic found out and... they used something they have there in the department of mysteries… to change me; from a muggle to a witch."

I couldn't make sense of it. I could almost hear my brain trying to work out what she had jus said.

"I…don't understand" I said slowly.

"I was a muggle. I have muggle parents and I went to a muggle school. The only reason I'm here is because of my talent and because I have to oversee everything. What I know is useful here, so they changed me. I let everything behind to start a new life in a magical world."

There was a long pause.

"you're a…muggle?" it dropped like a bomb.

"I guess."

I couldn't tell what expression was on my face, all I could sense was the concoction of emotions spreading throughout my body. Anger, confusion, betrayal, hurt, horror? I wasn't sure what to do, what to say…

She stood up. "I,,, I'm going to go back to my office… if you want to see me… it's ok if you don't…" she flashed one last glance at me and then left.

I sat alone in my room thinking. I was so ashamed of myself, that I could even let this bother me for a split second. I had messed up something because of this before. I had uttered that word, the one I vowed never to say again: _mudblood_.

It ruined everything, it ruined my life, and it still haunts me even now.

There wasn't even a decision to be made, I realised I didn't even need to think about that part, my mind was made the moment I displayed my true feelings toward her.

It was something else that was bothering me now. The visions… why hadn't she mentioned it before? What had she seen? Had she seen things of my life? Of my future? Was that what had been bothering her? that had made her seem so unhappy? Somehow I thought not. T

here was still something else and I knew I would do my best to make her better. There wasn't any point in me thinking anymore, I knew what my feelings were and it certainly wasn't anger anymore.

I went to her office and knocked but there seemed to be no answer. I heard people moving around the corner and I knew I couldn't stay outside her door until she showed up, so I let myself into her room.

It was strange being here without her.

I had also noticed in the past few weeks that her photos kept changing. If I came here after being asked, her photo of that man was concealed behind others, but if I arrived unexpected it was still out on the shelf. I tried not to think about him. I sat down on the sofa and waited. I was there for almost an hour, pacing about when finally the door opened.

She jumped when she realised I was already here but I didn't give her a chance to speak. I rushed on whilst the words still made sense in my head:

"I don't care about who you were… I care about who you are now." I took a step forward.

"I've made the mistake of being prejudice before, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. The person you are now is… is the person I'm in love with…" I said with all the emotion I had in my body, with every part of me aching towards them words.

She was silent for a moment before she looked up, realising what I had said.

"I think I love you too" she whispered, and it happened again I believed her, I knew she wasn't just saying it because I had said it, because it was polite to return it, I knew she meant every syllable and god it felt so good to hear it.

I walked over and pulled her close to me, I held her as tightly as I could without hurting her, I didn't want to let go.


	24. Shine On

We sat down together the next morning and she told me everything about Black. She believed he was innocent- as did Albus, and she had taken him to a cave with food and clothes. It didn't change anything with regards to my feelings towards him, but she didn't seem surprised. I wasn't happy with her spending the night with him in that cave but she didn't rise to my comments. She smiled and raised her eyebrows once or twice but didn't say anything.

"anyway" she said. "I don't want to talk about Sirius right now." She got up and came and sat close to me on the sofa. I put my arm around her and she smiled, linking her fingers into mine.

We sat in silence for a while and I noticed she had her eyes closed. "Sev?" she said quietly. It was the first time she had called me that and it sent a buzz through my body and I couldn't help smiling again.

"yes?" I said softly.

"why don't you ask me any questions?" she continued, her eyes still shut.

"how do you mean?"

"oh I guess… there are just so many unusual things about me that you have got to be curious about and any other person would totally interrogate me about them except you…"

"I thought you might appreciate better if I didn't ask you. I realise you'll tell me when you want to. It's strange, normally if there is ever anything I want to know I just… use legilimency, but I've tried with you and I can't do it, it won't work…you never let your guard down and I don't even want to try anymore."

She thought about my answer for a moment and then sighed contently. "I'm glad you understand" she eventually said. "and you're right, I appreciate it more than you can imagine."

I left that morning under the invisibility cloak as there were lots of students walking along the corridors.

* * *

When I called on Athena this morning she was sitting on her sofa playing her guitar. She seemed surprised when I entered.

"Severus I wasn't expecting you, I'd heard you had half of Gryffindor in detention this morning?" her eyebrows were raised but her eyes were smiling.

"I rescheduled for this afternoon." I replied sitting down next to her.

She cherished her guitar. It was cream and black and one of four she owned. I didn't understand why she need so many and how she could call it a 'she' but when I questioned her she said "my guitars are my babies" which didn't make sense at all. I listened quietly as she played a small tune, shutting her eyes and letting her fingers find the frets without looking at them. It was a sad song. "what are you playing?" I asked her quietly.

"It's called shine on, by a band called JET".

She stopped and picked up a small electrical device which she then pointed behind me like a wand. Music started playing out of the muggle stereo she had. She shut her eyes again and played along to the music, silently singing along to the lyrics.

_Please don't cry…_

_You know I'm leaving here tonight_

_Before I go I want you to know there will always be a light_

_That if the moon had to run away_

_And all the stars didn't wanna play_

_Don't waste the sun on a rainy day_

_The wind will soon blow it all away, yeah…_

There seemed to be another verse but at this point she cut the music off and stood up suddenly, putting her guitar on the stand with her back to me. I wondered if she was tying not to cry, but another sound, a sharper kind of music seemed to blare from somewhere. I looked around in confusion as the stereo didn't seem to be on again, but she put her hand in her pocket and brought out one of them mobile communication devices muggles use. She pressed a small button on it and the music stopped. She put it to her ear smiling. "Sirius?"

I jumped up from the sofa in anger. He was calling her! She shook her head at me and put a hand on my shoulder to calm me. It didn't work. I could hear the distant sound of chatter coming from the phone.

"of course. Yes that sounds great fun" she said in reply to something he said. I gestured to her to give me the phone but she shook her head and I think I must have given her a very angry look because she dropped her hand from my shoulder and scowled back, turning away from me. I stepped around her and again gestured for the phone, using a nicer expression this time.

"Sirius hang on" she said, covering the phone as she turned on me.

"what do you want the phone for?"

"I just want to talk to him and let my views known."

"I think your views are quite clear Severus."

"please!"

She paused and then reluctantly handed me the phone. "don't be angry with him."

I took it off her and turned my back on her, walking across the room.

"now listen here you little dog, I don't care if Albus thinks you've changed, I know better and if I find out that you've been taking advantage of these people by going back to your old ways then I shall personally come over there and end your snivelling little worthless life-"

I heard Athena's angry voice and she tried to get the phone off me but I could hear Black talking and I held her back.

"with pleasure snivellus, I would love to see your greasy little face again, go on, do it, I dare you-"

Athena grabbed the phone off me and slapped my arm an irritated expression on her face.

"Sirius shut up," she said into the phone, making me snigger and then stop abruptly with the look she sent me.

"give me about an hour, I'll go and check with Albus" she said. "ok, alright, see you later."

"Severus do you mind not talking to my friends like that?" How could she call him a friend!

"he's not you friend, he's using you-"

"Sirius is my friend. I trust him, and he trusts me and I'm going to see him later whether you like it or not."

"you can't go on your own!"

She laughed, she actually laughed.

"Athena don't be ridiculous, he could do anything to you, I won't let that happen-"

She kissed me. Damn! Why did she have to do that! I forgot everything again, I forgot why I was angry, I forgot where she was going and what had just happened, the only thing I knew was right there and then. I kissed her back, pulling her closer, her arms were linked around my neck, my hands were on her waist and I didn't want to let go. We pulled apart for breath only and she linked her hands into mine, her head nestled in my chest.

"I don't want to lose you." I said quietly.

"I won't let that happen" was her muffled reply.

We probably stood there with our arms around each other for about ten minutes until she finally sighed, "come on." And we left her office together, releasing each others hands as she opened the door. We walked quickly up to Albus' office and I knocked on the door.

Albus was alone and reading the daily prophet behind his desk. He smiled when we walked in together.

"Albus" Athena began smiling at him, "Sirius has rang he's on a small island called Aruba in the Caribbean so I'm going to see him this afternoon.' I couldn't help looking unhappy yet I didn't interrupt. "do you have any letters or anything?"

He got up and handed her a few. "give him my love."

"I shall." She smiled, taking them from her and putting them in her bag. "how are you?"

"Fabulous" he smiled, "and yourselves?"

"we're great" she said smiling. "I'm going to go and get some food from the kitchen and then I'll apparate, I should be back before dusk" she said. I didn't open my mouth; I didn't trust myself not to argue with her about Black.

"take care" Albus said.

She gave me a kiss on the cheek and winked at Albus and then left. Albus chuckled to himself as she shut the door.

"now then Severus, what have you been so considerately holding your tongue about all this time? It is quite obvious you are on the verge of exploding with it, so you may as well do it now."

"how can you let this happen! How can you let her go off with him on the middle of god knows where! He's just escaped from prison! He hasn't seen another woman for years, who knows what sick thoughts are running through his sick mind! He's stronger than her, he could overpower her in a matter of seconds and there would be nothing he could do about it! He's using your generosity to get to her! He could kill her and we would never catch him! She's alone and unprotected! It's absolutely diabolical! I don't understand how you can sit there and- and-"

"severus, please calm yourself. Athena trusts him, she loves him like a brother and no matter what you say to try ad convince her, or what barriers you place to try and stop her going, she would find a way to overcome them and would go anyway! She wouldn't abandon him without reason; I doubt she would abandon him with reason for that matter either!"

I slumped in a chair opposite him and buried my face in my hands.

"Albus I haven't cared about someone like this since-" I couldn't say her name. "… I just don't want to let her get into any danger, and at this moment I seem to be standing by and throwing her into the dragons' lair! "

"She trusts Sirius Black."

"and I do not."

"yet you trust her?"

I nodded.

"then you must learn to trust her judgement also."

"won't you send someone with her?"

"I cannot, it would attract too much attention."

"Won't you at least speak to him!"

"I have."

"and?"

"he will look after her."

"look after her! oh I bet he will the filthy little-"

"Severus, please. You shall not be happy with her going, I understand that, but you need to understand that Athena is her own person, and she knows more than you and I about the matter, and so we should trust her judgement entirely."

I succumbed. I knew he was right. "just watch out for her Albus."

He bowed his head in agreement.

* * *

**The song- shine on, by JET is so beautiful! go listen to it- you won't regret it i promise.**

**Reviews please! **


	25. Interruptions

She arrived back safely last night, just after dusk and she came straight to my office to let me know, for which I was grateful.

She interpreted correctly my anger was my way of showing concern and she wasn't angry at me for hating Black. She didn't mention him; she knew I didn't like to hear about him, never mind the time they had spent together alone this afternoon. Instead she sat me down on the sofa and put my hands in hers and she said something like this:

"Severus, I care for you more than I care for myself and I don't think you could ever understand just how much you mean to me. I realise it must be hard for you to see me with Sirius, or to see me going off to meet him, but I trust Sirius with my life. I have known him only a few months, but I know more of him than he knows. I am the only person in this entire world he can rely on to look out for him at this moment, and I won't let him down. I realise I would be so concerned and probably act the same if it was you going out there to meet someone, but I need you to trust me on this and I need you to trust my judgement."

My fists had closed tight but she prised them open and linked her fingers through them. Her hands were so small compared to mine.

"I hate feeling so… powerless, and having no control over your safety, it makes me angry at him, at you, and at myself for allowing you to go."

She turned my face towards hers with a soft hand and she kissed me again. This time I wanted to be lost, I wanted to forget everything except her, and I pushed her back against the sofa, kissing her neck, her lips, her-

There was loud knock at the door. I swore and she groaned. I went to get up to answer it, but she held me there for a split second and kissed me, almost as if she wanted to ensure I was only thinking of her. She needn't have worried: I couldn't get her out of my head. I forced myself to get to my feet and I walked over to the door, redoing the top button of my robe. She hid in the kitchen.

I flung open the door, so angry at the interruption. I was all set to bite the head off of whoever it was but I had to stop myself when I realised it was Minerva. I swallowed the urge to curse her.

"severus, I am so sorry for the intrusion but Barty Crouch is here from the ministry, he says he would like to talk to the senior members of staff about an event next year, he's in Albus' office at this moment."

I glanced back into the room, screaming insults at Barty and Minerva in my head. "I'll come now." I stepped through the door and shut it behind me, following her quickly up the steps and trying to clear my head.

When I arrived at Albus' office, the Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge, Barty Crouch from the department of magical co operation and Ludo Bagman, whom I know used to play Quidditch were all waiting for us, with Albus standing behind his desk smiling.

They had come to inform us that they wished to reinstate the Triwizard Tournament, an event joining the three main magical schools from across the world, Hogwarts, Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. They were here to ask Albus if we would hold it for the first year.

They spent about an hour talking about new rules alone and I confess my mind wandered. I'm sure it is great news for the school, it shall get us noticed again, and will build magical bonds between other countries.

However I was not happy to learn that Igor Karkaroff was now head of Durmstrang School. He is an old acquaintance I do not wish to meet again. Barty shall be organising the entire event, and he plans to hold it next year. I confess myself interested, I did not pause at the end of the meeting to say goodbye. I swept from the office and hurried down to the dungeons as quickly as possible.

She was waiting for me; of course she was waiting for me. She was lounged out on the sofa reading a copy of 'Wuthering Heights' a novel I'd had on my bookshelves somewhere but had never read. She looked up and put her book down when I entered, the corner of her mouth twitching into a smile.

"_colloportus" _I muttered, locking the door. She smiled even more. "now where were we?"

I loved waking up with her, especially when I awoke first. Then I could just lie there and watch her sleep. Watch the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest, feel her hot breath on my chest. I brushed a piece of hair from her face and she stirred, her eyes flickering open sleepily and she smiled when she saw me, leaning up onto her elbows. She kissed me lightly.

"hello."

"hello" I replied smiling back and stroking her arm with the tips of my fingers. She nestled her head on my shoulder and shut her eyes again. I watched her for a while until I noticed the clock. "Athena" I whispered.

"mm hmm?"

"it's half nine, lessons begin in half an hour…"

"uhh" she grumbled, sitting up and combing her fingers through her hair. "do you have a lesson?"

"I don't, but I know you do. Plus, I have to go and see Albus. I'll make some coffee."

With tremendous effort I turned my back on her and went into the kitchen. I was just boiling some water when I heard the shower running from the other room. I couldn't help smiling again. I sat down with a mug of coffee on the sofa until she emerged dressed in bottle blue robes. I offered her coffee but she said she had to get to class. She took the invisibility cloak from her bag and I kissed her before she disappeared under it. "see you around."

The door seemed to open and close by itself, and she was gone.

I took a shower myself and went up to Albus' office. His first question was curious, "have you informed Athena about the tournament?"

I frowned, sitting down, "not yet, why?"

He shook his head and got up, looking agitated. He walked over to the pensieve and drew a silver thread from his forehead and lowered it gently in. He watched something for a moment and then muttered to himself,

"it doesn't make sense! There must be a connection!"

He turned sharply away and sat down opposite me.

"now are you going to explain?"

He shook his head. He really is most infuriating sometimes, and why did he ask about Athena? What did she know?

"I take it you heard yesterday about Igor Karkaroff?"

I gave a brief nod, my expression still stony.

"I don't trust him being here. You will keep an eye on him next year?"

"of course."

"thank you Severus." I stood up to leave but he stopped me for a second.

"would you tell Athena to come and see me as soon as possible please?"

"I imagine you're not going to tell me the reason?"

"you imagine correct."

I scowled.

"the time will come Severus."

On my way down I stopped a first year.

"wait." Was all I said and he spun around looking terrified- it was brilliant.

"take a message to professor Finch for me." He nodded quickly. "tell her professor Dumbledore requires her presence as soon as possible. Got that?"

He repeated it in a quaking voice and then hurried off. I thought it would be best for us not to see each other in lesson time, with students present.


	26. No Goodbye

I wanted to know what Albus had wanted her for, but I knew I probably shouldn't go and see her again tonight.

Again, impatience and curiosity got the better of me and I slipped on the invisibility cloak and went down after breakfast.

I knocked on her door and heard a faint, "come in." I opened the door and took off the cloak. The first thing that caught my eye was the still photo of that man. I scowled at his motionless picture and walked through to the bedroom where I could hear her moving.

She was standing on a chair wearing an oversized shirt and a small pair of shorts only just visible underneath.

There was orange paint smeared across one of her cheeks and small flickers of orange on her shirt sleeves. She had a paint brush in her hand and appeared to be writing on her wall again. She looked surprised to see me; we had decided not to see each other again for a while, as we thought Minerva might be getting suspicious.

"severus? what's wrong?"

"nothing, I assure you."

She jumped down from the chair lightly and put the brush down. I looked up at the wall and she blushed. "love like you've never been hurt" it said in swirly writing. She looked away from me, seeming embarrassed. I said nothing, and she followed me through to the other room.

She stared at me expectantly and I realised she was waiting for me to talk. I think I was too distracted by her lack of clothing, and how amazing she looked even though, little known to her, she had paint smeared across half her face.

"er yes." I began, not really knowing how to start, should I just come straight out with the question or not?

"I… I was just curious as to what Albus wanted with you so urgently yesterday?"

She looked at me for a moment as though she was deciding whether to be angry or not at the nerve of my question. It seemed she decided not to be angry, and I was glad. I didn't want her to be mad at me; I just wanted to know the answer! Her shoulders seemed to slump a little in defeat and she sighed.

"let me wash my hands" she said walking into the kitchen. I watched from the door frame as she scrubbed the paint off her fingers.

"there's er... some on your face too." I moved closer to her and rubbed the dry paint from her soft cheek but she shook her head and pulled away,

"I'll get it don't worry."

I froze for a moment. There was annoyance in her voice and she turned her face away from me, as if she didn't want me to touch her. I swallowed my feelings and stepped back from her. She wiped her face herself but when she saw the stony expression on my face she paused.

"oh severus, I'm sorry I didn't mean…"

She paused for a moment and then threw down her cloth. She took me by the arm and sat down on the sofa, pulling me next to her. She seemed agitated and her hands twitched in mine.

"I… Albus asked me to go and see him yesterday due to the announcement of the Triwizard Tournament. It's going to be held here next year and… I've seen something connected with it; I'm just finding it hard to remember things. It's easier for me when they've been set in motion, and since they haven't yet, I can't remember much… but I know it's important!"

Her voice wavered for a moment and she squeezed my hands. "I don't know what to do."

I hugged her to me, trying to comfort her at least. I tried to think through what she had said, to try and make sense of it.

"Athena if you can't remember there's nothing you can do; it's not your fault. Perhaps when everything else begins to happen you will remember, and if it's something bad then we can stop it before it-"

I saw tears running down her cheeks and it made me stop.

She wiped them away and shut her eyes, trying to make them stop. When she had silently regained control she turned to me.

"Even if… even if I can remember I can't even do anything about it. I can't stop it… there's nothing I can do, I just have to sit back and watch… I hate it. I hate what I can do, what I see… oh severus I have seen the most terrifying things." She bit her lip and looked away from me, trying to hide her tears.

When she spoke again it was in a quiet voice: "I'm sorry I was angry at you before, I was just frustrated that you had come to ask me, not because I think you shouldn't have or anything, but because I knew that it would mean I would have to trouble you with all this stuff, and I didn't want to do that."

"Athena you can trouble me with anything. I promise you, I'll always want to know whatever it is you have to say. Never stop telling me how you feel."

She gave a small smile and hugged me tightly.

* * *

Athena spent the last week of term with Lupin. It was his last week as he had decided to resign, and I knew she didn't want him to leave. I didn't even bother to try and make her see sense, that he was a werewolf for gods' sake! He was dangerous! And a complete idiot as well. I didn't know where she would go when term finished. Did she expect me to ask her to stay at my house? Did she have a place of her own? I brought up the subject that week.

"so… what do you normally do? Before you got this job, are you going to go back to where you used to live or-" I was just going to offer her a place to stay with me but she shook her head.

"I'm going to travel there are a lot of things I'd like to see I think."

This answer surprised me. "for the whole time or are you going home?.."

"the whole time."

I wanted to know where she lived, what she did before Hogwarts, but it seemed to me that she didn't want to talk about the subject.

"Are you going back to spinners end?" she asked.

I nodded.

"is it… is it ok if I come and see you or we meet up? I don't know if I could bear not seeing you for six weeks…"

I smiled. "come as often as you like."

She kissed me lightly. "I'd like that."

I packed my things away on the last day quickly and made my way to her office, however when I got there I could hear voices from within. I knocked and she opened it, stepping aside for me to walk in. Lupin was in there standing in the kitchen. She shot me a warning glance and then went to pour me a drink.

"Severus" Lupin said, nodding in my direction. I nodded back, being as polite as I could manage.

"Professor I just need to talk to you about Malfoy."

"just give me two minutes," she said, causally turning her back on me.

"now what's the address?" she continued.

He repeated an address and she smiled, writing it down. "I promise I'll come."

I realised she was going to visit him during the summer as well as visiting me. I was just going to argue before I managed to stop myself. I knew she cared for him, I knew there was nothing between them and I knew there was nothing I could do so I held my tongue and said nothing. Lupin put down his glass and said it was time for him to leave.

"listen," Athena began. "it would really mean a lot to me if you guys shook hands, just one shake, that's all I'm asking."

Lupin seemed a little confused as to why it would mean a lot to her but he held out his hand anyway.

I took it, relinquishing his grasp quickly though.

She smiled and then reached up, hugging Lupin. I turned and walked into the other room, away from them. I heard the door open and then close and he was gone.

She smiled sadly at me. "I'm gonna miss him not being in the school next year."

"perhaps the new teacher will be better."

"are you going to re-apply?"

"perhaps."

She nodded and looked around at the bare room. It seemed she was done packing everything.

"I'm going to miss this place, I know it's only six weeks but…"

I nodded, "I know what you mean. I always miss it. So where are you going first?"

"I'm going to spend a week with Sirius, I'm almost certain he's not taking care of himself. He gets thinner every time I see him."

I gritted my teeth tightly. "are you sure that's a good idea?"

"I am sure" she said calmly.

'a whole week? Meaning you're going to- to what, sleep in the same bed as him! Shower whilst he's there! Spend every moment with him like you're, like you're-'

She kissed me. I think she just wanted to silence me and stop me arguing and it worked. I groaned slightly at her tactic, and the infuriating power she had over me. When she pulled away she pressed a finger to my lips.

"I shall be sleeping in my own bed, which shall probably be a hammock on its own. I shall be taking a shower on my own, away from Sirius and I know he doesn't have feelings for me like that! He respects my personal space, he respects my privacy and he respects my feelings and I trust him."

"can't- can't you just go for a day? Not a night? He's stronger than you- anything could happen."

"you're stronger than me." She argued pointedly. "are you saying I shouldn't trust you? Are you saying that I should never spend a night with you? Because I don't think I could do that Severus"" she said, smiling slightly.

I kissed her again. "I just hate not being in control of something I value so highly."

"I know" she said. "I know."

I spent the night in her empty rooms, savouring every second I had with her, especially as I wasn't going to see her for at least a week. I awoke at first light the next morning, but when I rolled over the bed was empty.

I strained my ears for the sound of a shower but I heard none. I got up and looked into the other room: her cases were gone. I lay back on the bed and looked over at the wall she had painted, making the room so much brighter.

"I go to seek a great perhaps" seemed to be the freshest words. I read over some of the others as well.

"you gotta let me go."

"we will meet again some day"

"how shall I ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?"

"live like there's no tomorrow."

I frowned at them. They didn't seem to be particularly happy quotes, and I wondered why she had chosen them and what they meant to her.

I sighed, there was so much I didn't know. And I wished she wouldn't leave like this: without saying goodbye! I got showered and dressed and left quickly, not wanting to loiter in her empty office. I didn't need to be secretive as the students had left the day before. The castle was eerily quiet and I didn't stay long. I bade Albus a good holiday and left.

* * *

I am here at Spinners End once again.

It is always so quiet here, a place where I can clear my head, think rationally and spend a lot of time studying and reading. However I always miss the life of the castle, the company, no matter how bad it is and also the brilliant food. I could never be bothered to go out of my way to make sure I ate enough. I always ate a lot of fruit and tried to be healthy as long as I didn't have to make such an effort.

I have enough books to keep me occupied here, I just… now that I've met her, now that I have spent a lot of time with her and now that I know I have come to love her I want her with me all the time.

I shall not write much this summer and I apologize for that, but I won't write unless there is something important to write about.


	27. Holidays

One week later

Albus has called; he is trying to persuade Alastor Moody to come out of retirement. He is an ex auror who has captured many death eaters in his time. I don't think I want him to come, it might bring up questions about my past, but Albus is quite adamant about it. I shall not argue, and I suppose that if Karkaroff is indeed coming this year, Moody will do well to keep an eye on him and ensure he does not go back to his old ways.

Two Weeks

There was a knock on the door on Monday morning. It was her, I was so happy to see her yet I had to restrain my happiness until she was inside and the door was safely shut. She dropped her bag and threw her arms around my neck. I hugged her tightly back, almost lifting her off her feet. She giggled quietly and I kissed her again and again, my eyes wide open, staring into her brown ones.

When I could finally bear to let go I relinquished my grasp and stepped back to look at her. She had got a slight tan and I assumed she had been somewhere sunny. She was carrying one large gym type bag that looked heavy and fit to burst. She looked well, just a little tired and she was looking at me as if it had been a year not two weeks. I imagined the same expression was on my face.

She left her bag there in the hall and followed me into the living room. I offered her a drink but she shook her head and stopped me from getting one too. Instead she pulled me down onto the sofa and kissed me. I kissed her back like nothing else mattered, because at that moment nothing else _did_ matter. Her legs wrapped up around my hips and her arms wound around my neck and through my hair, pressing our bodies closer together. We kissed until our lips hurt and then she finally spoke in a breathless voice;

"now how about that drink?"

I poured myself a Firewhiskey and vodka with diet coke, just the way she liked it, for her. She shut her eyes when she took a sip.

"mm that's good."

"how was your fortnight?" I asked.

"It was brilliant, really great. Absolutely shattered though, I could probably fall asleep right here and now. I feel a lot better about Sirius though. He looked so thin bless him, but I've taken a lot of food and water and other essentials and I've cooked him some half decent meals for the past week or so. I think he appreciates company, he seems a lot more cheerful anyway."

"and did he… respect your personal space?"

"yes, yes he did." She half smiled as if remembering something. I couldn't tell if she was telling the truth or not and I had to remind myself that I trusted her.

"and now your turn, how was your fortnight?"

I told her about some books I had read and my trips into the town and to Diagon alley. I told her about Albus' visit and about the new teacher he was appointed. I didn't give his name I just said he was an old friend of Albus's.

I also told her how much I'd missed her, and I meant every word of it. She put her drink down and leant back, her head in my lap. She linked one of her hands through mine and I stroked her hair. She shut her eyes and was asleep within minutes. I traced my fingertips along her arm, her neck, her cheek.

I watched sleep for just over an hour and then she began to stir.

"no" she muttered. "it can't happen like this- i- i-" I tried to shake her gently, I thought she might be having a nightmare.

"I'm sorry- I'm so-" she jerked away startled and gasping for breath. She looked around confused and also relieved. I put my hands on her face and calmed her down.

"it was just a bad dream, don't worry, you're safe, I promise."

She let out a deep breath and sunk back into the sofa, covering her face with her hands.

She swore. "uhh I hate nightmares."

I kissed her neck and she shut her eyes again, wrapping her arms around me. I wanted to take care of her, I wanted to be the strong man but with her I didn't really get the chance. She was so determined and strong. She hated letting me see her cry, she hated showing her emotions unless they were happy ones. I knew she was upset, I knew there was something wrong underneath the surface, but I only knew that because of my close proximity and acuteness. To everyone else she was fine, happy and well settled. She needed to know that there was always someone there for her at the end of the day, and I made sure she knew I was that person now because I needed her as much as she needed me. I would never show it, but it was true.

She stayed for just a day and then she was off travelling again. She was vague about where she was going and I don't even think she was certain as to where her next journey would take her.

I cursed myself, and her later. It was later in the afternoon, darkness was jus setting and she asked if I would pour her another glass of wine. I went in the kitchen and was just filling my own glass when I heard the front door slam. I swore and walked swiftly to it, looking out onto the street. She was gone, she had apparated from right outside. I slammed the door, annoyed at myself for letting her go without making her say goodbye. Why did she do this to me! I kicked one of the chairs in anger ad then took a deep breath, calming myself. I shouldn't be angry, I knew she didn't just do it to annoy me but then… why did she do it? Did she want to 'keep me in suspense' because it was working! It just made me frustrated with her too.

I went into Diagon Alley today to buy the new school books my students would be studying. The first year one is exceedingly simple, yet it should be easier to teach. The last year sevens struggled immensely with the old book, although I'm certain that's down to them being complete idiots and lack of concentration rather than my teaching style

I bumped into Minerva; she told me she had been in Spain for the past few weeks. She ranted on about it without the slightest bit of encouragement but I didn't mind, I hadn't spoken to her in weeks and it had been twelve days since I had last seen Athena and it took my mind off her. I also picked up a book called fantastic beasts as it looked like quite an interesting read, and there was an extended part about unicorns and their habitats that I was interested in,

When I arrived home there were two owls sitting on the back windowsill. I opened the window and let them in, recognising one of the owls as Albus'. The other I did not know. I opened Albus' first.

_Severus,_

_I do hope you are enjoying this fine weather we are having, however I don't doubt you have been shut inside your house reading as many books as you can with the curtains shut. _

_I have decided to appoint Alastor Moody, whom you know, as our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher this year. I know you have reapplied, and I am sorry to disappoint you yet again however it is much harder to find a good potions master than a good defence teacher and so I would be grateful if you would resume your current post at the beginning of this year. _

_I am hoping Alastor will use his skills and knowledge gained from being a highly thought of auror in his lessons, and since he has real experience in the dark arts I thought he could be a good influence on the pupils. _

_He is slightly wild and outrageous and has his own methods of discipline however I have told him the rules and he says he will do his utmost best to stick to them. I am sorry if you are disappointed by my decision, but I shall ask you for your support now it has been made. _

_Also, the Triwizard Tournament has been given the go ahead by Barty and the students shall be arriving just after term begins on the first of September. I would like you please to keep an eye on Karkaroff and I have asked Alastor to do the same but I shall talk to you more on the matter when we meet next. _

_I am sure Athena has informed you about what she has seen. I believe she has still not come to make sense of it and if she has made sense of it she has not told me and is hiding it well. However I can never seem to tell with her, she really is most curious, I assume that's what enticed you in the first place. I had the pleasure of meeting with her last week and she wanted me to ensure you she is well and enjoying herself. I have the slight feeling she is not entirely speaking the truth, I believe she is much happier during term time when she is surrounded by the busyness of the castle, and is in your company a great deal. [I have noticed, no matter how well you try to hide it.] She has spoken to Sirius again and I chuckle to myself when I write; I am sure you are happy to know he is well. _

_I shall leave you on this happy note, take care to enjoy what remains of the summer,_

_Yours,_

_Albus Dumbledore._

I knew of his plans to employ Alastor and so I was not really surprised to see he had once again turned down my application to be the dark arts teacher. Alastor, although crazy at times would be a big rest to Albus' conscience as he could watch over Karkaroff as well as myself.

When he mentioned he had seen Athena I felt a little put out. I wondered why she had not come to see me again as well as Albus. I also had the feeling she did not enjoy the holidays, as I didn't. I always enjoyed the fast life in the castle, compared to being stuck back in Spinners End with just myself to talk to. I smiled at the part where he said he had 'noticed us'.

He never misses a thing Albus, I don't know how he knew but I didn't mind him knowing, it made a difference to have just one person to talk to about her and her dangerous habits.

If I was angry about her seeing Albus instead of me I was even angrier when I found out she had gone to see Black again. How could he mean more to her! How could she want to spend more time with him! I scowled at the words on the page and then turned to my next letter, tearing it open with more force than was probably necessary.

My heart skipped a beat when I recognised the hand.

_Severus,_

_I know you've been extremely busy and I imagine you have not given it much thought over the past couple of weeks but I really have missed you terribly. _

_At the moment I find myself stranded in Florida Airport. I could of course apparate to wherever I want but I have always enjoyed travelling by muggle aeroplane and so I jumped at the chance of a cheap flight to Florida. I came here with a friend once, about two years ago and it was absolutely brilliant. I confess it is not such good fun if you have no one to turn to and say 'gosh look at that' but I am still having a good time and I have made some friends out here. _

_One of them, Marcia, works in the shipping industry and he has his own yacht! He took me out into the bay the other day and it was amazing to just have the sea air in your face and to hear the waves and the water beneath you. _

_I have seen Sirius once more, he is staying on a small isle just off the coast off china at the moment, it's quite desolate and the weather is very hot but he is enjoying himself more than usual and so that makes me happy too. _

_I also met up with Albus last week, I have often wondered what he does with himself when term finishes and yet even now I have seen him the question has not been answered! _

_I also took a trip to Diagon Alley on Tuesday and I have purchased the most stunning pair of robes. I confess they were expensive but I would like to wear them to the ball this year. _

_I realise I have completely rambled about myself for the past few paragraphs and I apologize profusely if I have bored you but the whole time I have just been trying to write something that's not what I'm thinking… _

_What I'm actually thinking is 'oh let term begin so that I can see the man I love every single day, because I truly have missed him no more than I would miss my own eyes these past few weeks and if I don't see him soon I am sure it shall kill me!' There, I have confessed it. _

_If it is agreeable to yourself I would like it very much if I could come and see you as soon as my flight lands? Or if you like you could meet me at the terminal? It's Gatwick Airport, East wing, Terminal Three at seven o' clock Thursday night. I am quite certain there will be no wizards in the airport and so no one will recognise us but do wear muggle clothes and then we shall blend in even more, just in case. _

_Thinking of you,_

_Athena._

My heart skipped at the thought of her wanting to see me all this time. I actually smiled when I got to that part and I had to stop myself from apparating straight to Florida this very moment. However, Thursday night was tomorrow, just over twenty four hours away, I could wait that long.

I frowned when she mentioned this 'Marcia', he sounded suspicious to me. It was obvious he wanted something from her, people didn't just take complete strangers out on their boats if they don't want anything back and I was glad she was leaving tonight.

I went into my bedroom and riffled through my wardrobe for some decent muggle clothes to wear. I found a navy blue shirt with black trousers and black shoes. I would wear my long black coat over them to blend in more.


	28. Reunited

I awoke early the next morning even though I wasn't meeting her until the night.

I sat around agitated all day, going out only to take a small walk and get some fresh air.

At five o' cloak I changed into my best muggle clothing and apparated straight to the airport. I strolled in, looking for the correct terminal and I arrived outside at about six o' clock, just in case the plane was early.

I sat alone at first but then the terminal started to fill up with muggles, no one noticed me and it seemed I blended in well. I watched people curiously. Some seemed as agitated as myself obviously not trusting planes too. Some small children were playing by the doors, with their anxious father watching them. Two teenage boys were sitting opposite me, both sitting with wires in their ears, like I had seen Athena do before. She had tried it on me once and it was strange, the music played straight into your ears so no one else could hear it. It was strange what these muggles come up with.

Seven o' clock came and went and I was getting more frustrated by the minute, but at ten minutes past the gates opened and chatting people came pouring out. I stood up, craning my neck for her. I watched as the two teenage boys greeted teenage girls, as the father and children threw hugs at the mother, a woman shrieked and ran to greet her sister to my left.

And then I saw her: carrying her heavy gym bag over one shoulder and scanning the crowd hopefully for me. She couldn't see me at first but when the crowd parted she stopped. It took her a moment to take it in, and it took me a moment too, and then a delighted smile spread across her tanned face and she dropped her bag, running and throwing me into a hug.

I lifted her off her feet, spinning her around slightly as I clutched her to me, beaming also.

When I relinquished my grasp she stood on her tip toes and kissed me, her arms around my neck. It was so carefree, I felt so young. We didn't care about anyone watching us and seeing our happiness at being reunited. We weren't worrying about people we know finding out, there was just us here, just us in the whole airport, nothing for us to worry about except each other. Everything else was blocked out as my lips found hers hungrily and we stopped kissing only when we were both smiling so much it was impossible to continue.

She laughed, her eyes sparkling with delight as I linked my hand in hers. I slung her heavy bag over my other shoulder and we walked out of the terminal into the cool fresh air and sunshine. We found an empty area in the car park and when Athena had made sure we were out of sight of any "CCTV" cameras, we apparated straight into my house. I dropped her bag and she pulled me into a hug. I breathed in the honey smell of her hair and felt the softness of her cheek with my hand.

"Is it ok if I use your bathroom? I'm dying for a hot soapy bath."

"of course, I'll show you."

I picked her bag up and walked up the stairs, she followed me quietly. I lead her through the spare room to the en suite- it was much nicer than the main bathroom and the bath was bigger.

"awesome" she said, yawning.

"I'll run it for you, you have a rest."

She didn't say anything for a split second as if she was surprised but then she smiled, "thank you Severus."

I could hear her moving about in the spare room just over the pounding sound of water filling the tub. I made it sure it was quite hot and I mixed in a bottle of liquid she had handed me until the bubbles foamed up. When I walked through into the spare room she was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. She sat up when she heard me walking into the room and smiled.

"thank you Severus. Just make sure I don't accidentally fall asleep on their and drown I'm so tired!"

"do you want me to stay out here?"

She gave a small smile, "I'd feel safer if you did."

I nodded and sat down on the bed. She walked into the bathroom carrying a pile of clothes and other bottles and I heard her moving about for a moment and then I heard the gentle splash of the water as she got in. I looked at the door, oh god she had left it ajar.

There was a narrow centimetre of light coming from the bathroom. I turned away, not looking and then I looked back again. I saw a flash of bubbles that made me jump. I cursed myself under my breath and lay back on the bed, trying to think of something else.

"have you ever flown by plane?" she asked from the other room… so she was aware the door was open. I shut my eyes and concentrated on the question.

"no. I have only ever apparated or travelled by train. Why did you fly?"

She paused for a moment and I heard another splash of water. "I…love the feeling you get. You get all the excitement and nervousness when you take off, lifting up from the ground and seeing everything grow smaller and smaller outside the window. And then you get the wonder, when you're above the clouds and everything is silent and peaceful. And then again, the excitement comes when you land. Although, it makes it even better if you have something worth landing for…"

There was silence for about five minutes and I lay with my eyes closed thinking about what she had said and trying to imagine being on a plane.

"are you still awake?" I asked when I had not heard her in a while.

She chuckled. "just about."

A few minutes later I heard the bath starting to drain and the door opened. She was wearing an oversized stripy white and blue nightshirt with very short shorts underneath, barely visible. My eyes trailed down her long thin newly tanned legs to the small pair of white cut off socks she wore. She sighed lightly as she trailed the tip of her wand just above her head to siphon off the majority of the moisture.

"drink?" I said when she had finished.

"please."

She followed me downstairs and sat on the sofa whilst I went to get some wine. I paused in the doorway. "not going to run out on me again are you?"

She bit her lip and shook her head, looking apologetic and embarrassed. I went and got a couple of glasses, listening for the sound of the door slamming. I looked into the other room and raised my eyebrows. She was still sitting there. She caught my eye and then looked away ashamed. I didn't say anything; I couldn't hold a grudge against her. I sat down next to her and handed her a glass.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly. "I just… I don't like saying goodbye, not to you not to anyone."

"what happened?"

She shook her head and I knew she didn't want to talk about it. I put my arm around her.

"I'd really rather you didn't do it when you leave tomorrow, just this once?"

She nodded. "ok, I'll try."

She shut her eyes and leant back against my shoulder.

"Won't you stay another day?"

"Won't you get sick of me?" she said smiling.

"maybe a little bit, but I'll cope."

I felt her laugh a little. "maybe then."

She fell asleep shortly after and I moved her slightly so her neck was supported against a cushion. I sat on the chair opposite her for a while sipping my drink and watching her dream. Then I went upstairs to bed. If she was going to walk out on me tomorrow without saying goodbye I may as well give her the opportunity.

When I awoke the next morning I was still for a moment, listening for a sound, just any indication that she was still here. I heard nothing. I sighed heavily and got out of bed and walked straight for the shower. I changed into robes, I was planning to go to Hogsmeade today and pick up a bottle of Rosmerta's mead. I was on the top step of the stairs when I heard a clunk of metal from below. I froze, was it her? Had she stayed? I listened carefully but I heard nothing again. I walked cautiously down, taking out my wand just in case.

"lumos" I whispered.

I walked out carefully into the living room, her glass was still on the table but her bag was gone. I walked carefully over to the passage concealed by a bookshelf and was just about to open it when I heard a noise behind me. I spun around raising my wand and then froze, letting it fall. She was leaning against the doorframe watching me sadly.

"you didn't think I'd stay huh?"

I shook my head.

"Neither did I."

I walked over and kissed her, "I'm glad you did…"


	29. Third Life

We went for a walk in the countryside that afternoon, walking hand in hand unafraid to be seen. We weren't given a moment's thought by muggles that passed us, and I like that. I had lead two lives for so long now and this third life- this carefree and young life I was leading was the one I wanted to keep.

We sat by the lake together and watched muggles in their small boats splashing each other, relaxing and reading.

We walked through the trees holding hands, not caring about anyone else. I hadn't felt this happy in a long time. I'd never had experiences like this, I had dreamt of it, but it was like one of those things that you wish for and never comes true and after a while you don't even expect it to, you give up hope. I had given up my hope a long time ago and yet here she was renewing it, making it happen and making me feel so lucky.

I looked down at her sweet face and I was overcome by gratitude, I stopped walking and she stopped too, looking at me questioningly… I just kissed her, and it answered all her questions.

The day seemed to run away from us, like time was accelerating away and it was with regret that we apparated back to Spinners End.

"I should probably go."

"won't you stay the night?"

I didn't want her to be alone in the dark, I didn't want her to be in danger, and most of all I didn't want her to leave me so soon.

"If I stay until morning I might not say goodbye… would you rather I went now and told you I was going or stayed until morning and disappeared?"

"why is it so hard to just let me know you're leaving?" I asked almost angrily.

"it just is" she whispered. I knew she didn't want to talk about it, I knew that for some reason it pained her to say goodbye but still… she couldn't just keep coming and leaving without any indication to where she was going and when she was going.

"then leave tonight" I decided quietly, "but tell me where you're going and promise to write."

She thought it through silently and then nodded. "ok, ok. I'm going to drive down to France…"

"where in France?"

"I don't know Severus I just drive and see where it takes me…"

Why did she insist on isolating herself away from me!

"ok" I muttered, unhappy. "what will you do in the week before term resumes?"

"I don't know, what do you normally do?"

"make sure everything's ready mostly. I'm usually at Hogwarts a day before term officially starts."

"so… are you like immensely busy on that last day or do you like having company..?" She was hinting.

"depends entirely on the company." I replied, toying with her.

"immensely annoying, full of mysterious things and odd habits, completely crazy? How about that kind of company?"

"that's my second favourite."

"and your first?"

"gorgeous, intelligent, full of mystery and immensely frustrating…"

"I'm afraid I don't know anyone of that nature…"

"oh really? I' do…" I walked over and kissed her gently but she kissed me back more urgently, gently teasing open my lips. My mouth moved with hers and she wrapped her arms around me. My hands moved down her body, her urgency was like an electric shock to me, sending life through my body, she was like air, I was so close to her and yet I wasn't close enough- she pull back very slightly, drawing breath and breathing heavily. She traced my lips with her tongue and then rested her forehead against my shoulder. I stroked her hair and hugged her to me with the other arm.

"I have to go" her muffled voice said.

I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "I know."

"I promise I'll write."

I summoned her bag down from upstairs and led her to the door. She didn't like saying goodbyes so this time I would help her. I kissed her lightly and her eyes closed for a brief moment.

"come back anytime you want ok?"

She nodded. "thanks Severus… see you soon."

I nodded and handed her the bag. She looked at me for a split second and then she turned on the spot, apparating into the night.

I turned back into the empty sitting room and sat down on the sofa, alone.

* * *

I received a letter a week after:

_Dearest Severus,_

_As promised I am writing to you. I am not quite sure what I will fill this letter with but I shall include most of the things that have happened to me over the past seven days. France was good, except the food was terrible, I can't wait to get back to Hogwarts for that amazing feast! The pumpkin juice is a bit of a let down though… _

_Anyway I visited a friend that I haven't seen in about three years other than on photos and he had changed a lot, but then I guess I have too. _

_He introduced me to all his friends, one I had met before and all of them were lovely. We played pool mostly [a muggle game where you have to get balls into holes on a table by using a long stick called a cue] and we spent a lot of time at the local activities centre. He is on his break from university at the moment and is enjoying every minute of it. I also got to meet his parents and they were very hospitable. _

_I stayed with Sirius in the mountains in France for the next two nights. He is staying there for a month or so whilst the weather is reasonably fine. _

_I am writing this letter at an internet café in Florida with my friend Marcia. At this moment he is rowing with the barman over the price of orange juice, quite hilarious to watch. _

_Anyway, I shall remain here for another night but then I am free for the last day of term, would you like to get ready for the new year together? _

_If you are busy or otherwise engaged I shall take no offence I absolutely promise. _

_Hope you're well,_

_Athena._

I read the letter twice through, following the loopy lines of her handwriting. I wrote back immediately with a quick letter:

_My last day will always be available for you._

_Severus._

I sent the owl off straight away, not wanting to waste a single moment and then I went and summoned my trunk out from under my bed. I filled the bottom with books I waned to take with me this year and then I packed clothes and shoes.

Next I carefully packed potions ingredients and vials and jars of other substances I would need in my classes. I waved my wand in one flourishing movement and all the other little things zoomed from draws and cupboards into the trunk. I nodded satisfactorily and then went to bed, wondering how long it would be before she got the letter… a few hours perhaps?


	30. The Lightning Struck Tower

I awoke the next morning just after dawn and I had some breakfast, took a shower and changed into black robes.

I needed to get some brass scales from Diagon Alley before Athena came. I opened the front door and stepped out only to trip slightly and bang my elbow.

I drew my wand quickly, looking around the street for passes by. There was no one. I pointed my wand to the steps. They appeared to be empty but I knew I had bumped into something invisible. I listened carefully and then took another step forward. My foot touched something again. I leant down quickly, and grasped the air, feeling my finger tips brush a fabric. I grabbed the material and pulled it with my other hand. The invisibility cloak immediately flew up in my hand only to reveal Athena, asleep on the step, leaning against the wall with her wand clutched loosely in her lap. My eyes widened with shock and surprise. I thought she wasn't coming until later and why was she on the doorstep! I knelt down and touched her shoulder gently. She was freezing cold.

"Athena wake up…" I shook her again gently and she jumped, clutching her wand and clenching her fists in one fluid movement. She relaxed when she saw me kneeling next to her and then an exhausted smile broke out over her face.

"severus."

I helped her to her feet and levitated her bag, sending it into the house first. As soon as I shut the door I turned to her incredulously.

"why on earth are you sleeping on my doorstep? I thought you were in Florida?"

"I was and then I was on a ship sailing back here and I met your owl half way and so I just decided to apparate, but then I forgot the time difference and when I got here everything was dark and I knocked once but you were sleeping and so I just put the invisibility cloak on and sat on the step for a while." She said it all very innocently and I sort of saw her reasoning. I shook my head at her incredulously.

"What am I going to do with you?"

She giggled to herself quietly and walked through to the kitchen, putting the kettle on. "coffee?"

"please."

She summoned two mugs from the cupboard but then stopped suddenly.

"oh, were you going out?" She nodded towards the travelling clothes I was wearing.

"I was going to Diagon Alley but it can wait for you."

"ok" she handed me a mug and leant against the side of the kitchen, the hint of a smile on her lips.

We apparated into Diagon Alley later, making sure to act just as colleagues but it was hard after out time being free. I wanted to watch her, to put my arm around her when she shivered for the cold, and just to smile at her! But it was unusual for me to joke with colleagues and so I kept a straight stony face, even when she said something amusing.

The only time I got a thrill down my spine was when she squeezed my fingers gently when we passed each other in a busy shop. We apparated back to Spinners End that evening at different times, ten minutes apart so as not to look suspicious. She lingered to talk to Lupin whom she had bumped into. Luckily at this point I was on the other side of the shop and he didn't see me. I nodded my head to Athena over his shoulder and apparated back here.

She let herself in about ten minutes after me smiling.

"Is the werewolf unemployed?" I asked smirking.

"yes, he's applied for a few small jobs but he's got rejected from all of them."

"How… tragic." I said sarcastically.

"She rolled her eyes at me and shook her head slightly.

I couldn't keep the smirk off my face and she slapped my arm. I laughed at her lack of strength and the pouting face she had put on. She shot me a dirty look that only resulted in making me laugh even more.

She threw a pen across the room at me but I vanished it in its flying path before it reached me and so she picked up a glass and threw it too. I laughed louder this time, vanishing it with a lazy flick of my wand. She started to smile too and then bit her lip trying not to show it. My laughter rang out even more as I vanished the next thing she threw at me and strode over to her, wrapping my arms around her from behind. At first she tried to push me off with her 'fake angry' face on but then she smiled reluctantly and hugged my waist.

"shut up" she muttered under her breath, making my laughter ring out even more.

"gosh I haven't laughed that much for a while" I said smiling down at her.

She scowled again and I chuckled, kissing her lips lightly.

She cooked dinner that night, a pasta dish with sauce and chips and vegetables. It was delicious.

She stayed over that night and we departed for Hogwarts the next morning together, although we apparated into Hogsmeade village separately and pretended to accidentally meet on our way to the castle.

We bumped into Albus who was strolling around the grounds and Athena was delighted.

"Albus!" she called beaming at him.

We walked with him into the castle and Athena a chatted to him the entire way.

"so how is…everything?" he asked looking at us knowingly.

"violent." I said smiling slightly.

Albus chuckled and Athena cringed but she looked happy all the same.

We all split up at the base of the stairs, Albus went into the great hall, I went down to the dungeons to unpack and Athena climbed the stairs to her office.

I unpacked my belongings happily and set up a cauldron of polyjuice potion to start bubbling. It has to simmer for a full lunar cycle so I wanted to let it begin as soon as possible.

I couldn't keep away from Athena's office and I was up there about an hour later. I knocked and then entered and she called from the bedroom. I walked through and she smiled at me from on top of a chair; she was writing on her wall again. It said, "Lovers when we sleep."

"What about them?" I said smiling. She painted the next word in her swirly writing: '…perfect.'

"Who said them words?"

"Billy Corgan?" I looked blank. "The Smashing Pumpkins?" When I continued to look blank she jumped agilely from the chair and picked up a small remote, pointing it at her stereo. Music began to blare from them. She danced on the spot to the music, mouthing the words at me and playing air guitar.

I shook my head smiling at her carefree manner. I can still remember some of the lyrics:

Strangers down the line

Lovers every time

Memories unwind

So please, you always were so free

Strangers when we meet

Strangers on the street

Lovers when we sleep

…Perfect

"you weren't very free when you were throwing glasses at me last night" I said smirking.

She smiled guiltily and winked at me but there was a sudden knock at the door.

I looked at her sharply. "I really shouldn't be here."

She nodded. "Stay in here."

She pulled the door to and I sat on the bed waiting.

I heard her open the door.

"Sybil!" she exclaimed in her false enthusiasm voice. "what a pleasant surprise."

I heard the shuffling of Trelawney's feet, indicating she had walked into the room. "I… I have seen!" she said dramatically. "the hidden stranger, the seven spades, the dark tower!"

"the what tower?" Athena interrupted suddenly, and I could sense the edge to her voice. I moved closer to the door, listening intently.

"the lightning struck tower- it's written!"

"what's written?" she pushed.

"the tower!"

"yes, yes I know, the tower! What else?"

"lightening!"

"yes, you've said that part Sybil!"

"death!" she cried in her drawling voice.

Athena was silent for a moment and then she said in a shaken voice, "Sybil why are you telling me?"

"I have another message" she spoke in a theatrical voice.

"yes? Oh, thank you."

The door opened and then closed again and there was silence. I peered through the crack in the door and then opened it fully. She had gone. Athena was leaning against the door opening the letter she had been handed. Her eyes glanced over it quickly and then she sighed and put it to one side. I walked out to her. "what was all that about?"

"oh you know Sybil she's always on about something happening, complete rubbish superstition of course."

She shrugged and trued to walk past me but I placed a hand on her shoulder and stopped her, "what did she mean by the lightning struck tower?"

"how should I know?"

My eyes searched behind hers for a moment but as usual her mind was completely blank to me. I frowned but decided to let it go for now, letting go of her shoulder.

"who was the letter from?"

"A note from Albus, I'll go and see him in a moment."

"Is everything ok?"

"sure, it's just about something with work and hours and stuff."

I didn't believe her.

We left a few minutes later and I only saw her later that night when Albus introduced us to the new teacher, Alastor Moody. I had known him previously and gave him a respectful nod. Athena shook his hand politely and smiled, chatting to him about being an auror.


	31. The Triwizard Tournament

Something wrong has happened, I use the word wrong as I have no idea what other word to use.

Potter has been picked as a fourth Triwizard champion. A fourth! There are only ever three! Only ever three! He must have cheated, I am certain of it; he is under age after all! It's outrageous! Absolutely infuriating! And they're letting him compete! The filthy cheater, just like his father, thinking rules are for everyone but themselves!

Albus called a meeting immediately after in his office and says Potter must compete. Barty backed him up, he says there isn't a choice in the matter, and he's agreed to a magically binding contract. Athena stood by Albus silently throughout the entire thing yet he kept glancing at her. I know he's waiting for her to remember something, to make links between everything but as far as I know she hasn't been able to. Alastor was asked to keep an eye on Potter. Albus told us after that he thinks dark minds might be behind it… Karkaroff maybe? I shall keep a closer eye on him. Darker minds… jus this just one of Albus' guesses or… I had noticed about a week ago but… it can't be, I won't say anything to anyone but… I'm sure my dark mark is getting blacker. It can't be happening and I must be imagining it, but time will tell…

Athena has been unusually quiet around everyone. She is herself with me, but around everyone else it's like she's trying too hard. No one else has noticed it, except perhaps Albus. I spoke to him about it.

"She's changed her focus." I said to him one afternoon.

"she has a lot on her mind. She knows as well as you or I that something is wrong. If anything she knows more…"

"has she told you?"

He looked at me, his eyes narrowing slightly. "what has she told you about her visions?"

"that… she can't remember what they mean, that she couldn't change them anyway-"

"exactly."

"I don't follow…"

"We know something is wrong. Harry should never have been-"

"I wouldn't be surprised if potter cheated his way into the tournament for glory!"

"I know you wouldn't be surprised Severus but it clearly isn't that way, I am certain! Something is wrong… if Athena already knows what it is, and yet even if she told us we wouldn't be able to do anything about it; do you really think she'd tell anyone?"

"who says we can't change it though!"

"Athena does and we must trust her. Everything is set in motion, she said."

I sighed annoyed. "so you think she knows? That's what's been troubling her?"

"I don't know if she knows, she is an accomplished occlumens, her mind is bound shut, to me anyway."

"and myself" I admitted.

"we must stand by her and try to work things out for ourselves."

"and if we can't figure it out in time?"

"I do not know." He sighed heavily. "but as I say, I don't know if she knows. She tells me not and I can see nothing that would make me think she was lying, but it's like there's something else. You have noticed it else you would not be here."

"she's unhappy again." I said nodding.

"again? You say it like it went away and is back again."

I was silent for a moment. Had I been so caught up in my own emotions for her that I had not looked at hers properly? Of course I saw all her happy emotions, the ones that mirrored mine but…

"are you saying she… are you saying things didn't get better for her?"

"oh they got better" he said quickly. "you did something for her Severus, something miraculous and it was more than she ever imagined you could do but… some emotions run deep."

"well how do I change that if I don't know her problems? She won't tell me anything."

"Give her time."

I cursed under my breath.

"Severus as much as I empathise with your frustration we have at this time a slightly more pressing matter. Watch over Karkaroff won't you?"

"I already am" I said grimly.

I asked her later on, if she thought Potter should have been allowed to compete.

"There is nothing we can do. It is a binding magical contract, he must compete. I believe that, for now, until we have any more information and knowledge we should just... let the events... unfold"

"do you really think it's dark magic?" I watched her carefully.

"I… it's… likely. What with all the wizards and schools and people and alibis it's such an easy time to cover yourself. To hide in the crowd… Are you watching Karkaroff?"

"closely. So has anything triggered in your mind yet? Have you remembered anything? Anything at all?"

She shrugged and turned away.

"If you did remember would you tell me?"

She paused, her back to me. And then she turned to face me, a sorry expression on her face and then she shook her head.

"you can trust me with anything" I said desperately.

"I'd trust you with my life Severus, but some things are not supposed to be known You know I can't tell you, I can't tell Albus and I can't tell anyone else and… I'm so sorry. I- I wouldn't blame you if you just packed us in right now the amount of fucking secrets I keep from you. The mysteries, the stupid disappearing and coming and going I must drive you fucking crazy!" I tried to calm her but tears were rolling down he cheeks and she kept talking through her choked voice.

"It's fucking ridiculous Severus! I've spent the entire summer running away from something, but no matter where I travelled, no matter how- how far I went I couldn't get away from it and the only time it released me slightly was when I was with you and yet I just- I just treat you like shit! I'm not worth it Severus!"

I pressed my lips to hers just to stop her from talking this rubbish, just to calm her and gain her senses again.

She tried to move away but I held her firmly, her jaw locked in my hand and kissed her again and again until finally I coaxed some response. When I did I was the one who moved back, looking at her pained tear stained face.

"You are my life. You are my soul. You are worth everything to me and I am not going to let you give up that easily. We'll fight it together Athena, I'm not going to leave you."

She turned her face away but again I kissed her, making her look at me. I could see her trying not to cry again so I stepped forward slightly so she could lean her head on my chest and think I couldn't see her cry. She did exactly that and I kissed her forehead and rubbed her arm.

"why are you so fucking nice to me?" she asked in a choked voice.

I chuckled quietly. "I have no idea."

"are you scared?" she asked me later when we were sitting on the sofa together.

"Of what?"

"Of the dark lord returning?"

Did this mean she knew of my past? Of what I was before, of what I've done? "no," was my short reply.

"good." She was silent for a moment and then she came out with a question I think she'd wanted to ask all along. "can I see your mark?" She watched my reaction as she said it, but I gave no outward indication of my feelings. Why did she want to see it? It was a part of what I'd done… who I was, the awful things I'd committed. I always hid it, I always tried to forget about and I never ever let anyone see it.

"why would you want to see the symbol of what I was?"

"It's part of who you are Severus."

"It's a reminder of everything I did for him, the disgusting thing I was, the evil-"

"I don't care what you were, what you did, I only care about now, you have to get that into your stupid head! You think I don't notice the way you turn the lights down or keep your shirt on whenever we're intimate? You think I'd never notice that?" she glared at me desperately and I felt suddenly ashamed.

In the long silence that followed by heart battled by head and neither seemed to win, and yet I was rolling up my left sleeve unwillingly. The dark snake tattoo showed and she tilted her head slightly to the side as if imaging it alive, moving. She linked my fingers through hers on that hand and then she reached out with her other.

I flinched as her fingers touched my skin, I remembered how the dark lord had touched the mark many years ago, burning into my flesh. I concentrated on not pulling my arm away from her. She put her fingers back on it and began to trace the lines lightly. Her skin was soft; her touch was gentle unlike the harsh hard touch of the dark lord. Instead she was soothing, rhythmic, relaxing. I gritted my teeth and looked down at her. Her head was still tilted and she had a curious look on her face. She was tracing her fingers along the snake and back. The hand that was linked with mine was warm and her fingers rubbed relaxingly against my hand. I let my shoulders relax and I leant back against the sofa again. I felt her lips press against my forearm and then she lifted it, moving my arm around her.

"thanks," she whispered. I looked at her curiously. I wanted badly to roll my sleeve down again but I couldn't as my arm was around her. I scowled at the bookshelf opposite us and sighed heavily, still thinking of why I had the mark…

Athena seemed to notice and she kissed my fingers and then looked up at me. "Don't think about what's in the past." She said softly, kissing my lips this time. She rolled my sleeve down herself, knowing that I didn't like to look at the mark.

"How can I not think about it?" I said softly.

"We all have a past."

"how do you know about mine?"

She shrugged. "I just do."

"I know nothing of yours…"

"I know…"

"have you had other… partners? besides me?" I asked, not really sure if I wanted to know the answer.

She nodded, not looking at me.

I swallowed. "did they all mean something to you?"

"yes… but some a lot more than others."

"which one the most?"

"I'm not answering that question," was her immediate response.

Her expression remained clear but her eyes, her eyes were in pain… as always I couldn't tell what it was, why it was there but I knew for certain there was something there…was it the man she had left behind? the one who had killed himself?

She was looking at the floor and biting her lip again. "don't dwell on the past remember…" she said in act of an explanation.

"it's easy to say the words."

"you want to know how I can forget everything?" she said, her eyes shining.

"I think I know." I said, leaning in and kissing her smiling face.


	32. Death, Destruction and Revelations

As the Triwizard Tournament progressed Athena became more and more nervous. She didn't show it around me, but she had taken to eating meals by herself instead of being with others, and when I watched her from a distance I saw she'd jump at the slightest thing. She kept looking twice at things, in case she'd missed something… I didn't say anything about it but I spent more time with her, trying to keep her mind off it.

When the week of the final task arrived she spent most of it with Albus. I sometimes joined them with Alastor and Minerva, and although Athena stayed the entire night she hardly spoke two words. She just sat and watched everything carefully.

Sometimes Albus would ask a question aloud and then look at her expectantly, or hopefully. She shook her head at everything he said yet he still continued to ask. She seemed to be getting more and more down and in the end I took it up with Albus.

"just leave her alone won't you?" I said angrily one night. "you're making her feel like it's her fault!"

I was surprised to find him defeated and in agreement with me straight away.

"I shall apologise." He said. "It's just so infuriating! What am I missing Severus?"

I met Athena in the great hall 'by accident' on the final night. She smiled grimly at me.

"It's tonight isn't it?" I asked her. I knew something was going to happen, I just didn't know what, or how.

She didn't make any attempt at answering my question as I knew she wouldn't, so instead I glanced around and then briefly squeezed her hand. She looked up at me and gave a small smile. As directed by Albus I was to patrol the maze for the first half an hour, and so I parted with her at the gate and watched her find a seat in the stands. Then I walked around the huge maze, lighting the way with my wand. I met Filius and Alastor doing the same thing on the way, they both nodded to me.

Everything seemed normal around the maze. I had heard the starting sound about ten minutes ago, and wondered what was happening inside. I hurried back to the stands the moment my watch hit thirty minutes. I looked up at Athena; she was sipping on a drink on her own at the back, and her wand clutched tightly in her other hand. I decided she looked relatively stable for now and I went to Albus instead. He was pacing at the entrance.

"everything normal?" he asked sternly.

I nodded.

"You think it's tonight?"

I nodded again.

He cursed under his breath. "I've missed something Severus, what have I missed?"

I had nothing to reply, but my mind was working as slow as his. I couldn't see anything! We had put all safety measures in place, there were people stationed all outside the maze, ready at any time! I looked back up to Athena. Her lips were still pressed to the straw of her drink, but there were tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Athena." I muttered to Albus and I walked past him up the steps quickly. I saw him glance up at her from the corner of my eye but he did not follow me.

She was sitting right behind everyone else, so no one saw me sitting so close to her. She didn't bother to hide her tears this time and they continued to roll down her cheeks as she stared straight ahead, chewing on the straw. I wanted so badly to put my arm around her, but I knew I couldn't with others around.

"can you not even give me a hint? One word?"

She shook her head.

"It's going to be-" I gasped, clutching my left forearm where a blinding pain had just shot through. I knew that pain, I knew what it was I jumped from my seat in shock, just about to sprint down to Albus, or just somewhere else where I could check I wasn't imagining it but her hand caught in mine. I was startled at first because she had taken my hand in public, but I was confused when she pulled me into a seated position again.

"It's happened," I stuttered to her, my eyes wide. "My dark mark, it burnt, I have to-"

"stay here." She said firmly, vanishing her drink and wiping her tears away fiercely. "You have to stay here."

"Athena don't you understand-" fear was spreading through my body but at that exact moment there was a flash of light from below, and Potter and Diggory appeared, flat out on the grass below.

The crowd erupted into immense cheers and applause but Athena shot up suddenly, dropping my hand and racing down the steps, just as the cheers began to turn into screams. I craned my neck and followed the eyes of everyone else. Diggory was unmoving and Potter was leaning over him crying. The screams and shouts began to grow and I raced down the stairs after her, drawing my wand and shouting at people to stay in their seat.

The boy was dead.

Albus was trying to pull Potter away, and then he shouted something I knew was true. I looked at Potter, my eyes wide as I heard what I known the moment I felt my arm burn. "he's back!" he yelled, his voice wrought with grief. "Voldemort's back!"

Albus consoled him for a moment and then he turned to Diggory's father, trying to quieten him whilst he looked around for anything unusual, as I was doing. I scanned the crowd, looking for anything that seemed out of place, I caught Minerva's tearful worried eye just as I heard another, quieter urgent voice from behind me.

"Albus, listen to me, the real Alastor Moody would never have removed Harry from your sight tonight."

Athena's desperate words grabbed my attention and suddenly everything clicked into place. Albus' eyes flashed with rage and I remembered why the Dark Lord had been scared of him.

All three of us turned on the spot and sprinted toward the castle doors, Albus with surprising speed for a man of his age. He barked to Minerva to follow as we passed her and she turned on her heel and obeyed without question.

"where?" Albus said sharply, his wand in front of him. "Moody's office," she replied quickly. He quickened the pace until we reached the door and then he pressed a finger to his lips, listening intently.

"Albus we don't have time" she said in a hushed voice.

He nodded at me and I blew the door open with a wave of my wand. Albus blasted Alistair who was leaning over Harry with his wand pressed to his throat maliciously. He flew back against the wall, his head hitting the stone with an echoing crack. I summoned a bottle of Veritaserum from a cupboard and whilst Albus and Athena held him under their wands I forced it down his throat, taking care to be rough with him.

It was Barty Crouch Junior. I am in shock, I thought he was dead. Instead here he is, a disillusioned death eater, bragging to the room how he hoodwinked Albus, how he tricked us all and worst of all… how he had brought about the return of the dark lord.

When we had heard enough Athena muttered something about Black to Albus and she left the room. I wanted to follow her but I knew I had to stay with Albus, and I knew she could look after herself but there was just so much to say… I just wanted to know if she was alright.

Albus led me outside and into another room. He muted the walls with a wave of his wand and he turned to me. I rolled up my sleeve quickly and showed him the dark mark, now burnt black like ash and still painful.

"It burnt," I said gravely. "About two minutes before they returned. I jumped up, running to confirm it but Athena stopped me, making me wait until they had apparated. She knew it was coming, and it's true, I felt it like before: the dark lord has returned."

"I have to ask you a question Severus, you know what it is but I need an answer now. I am so sorry for what I have to ask of you… Will you turn spy for us? Will you put your life on the line?"

I knew this day would come, the day when I would have to return back to him. I knew how much he would punish me and how painful and tormenting he would make it. However I also knew I had to make him believe me. My suffering was worth it if it helped us win the war against him.

"My loyalty lies with you Albus."

He nodded and then clapped me on the shoulder, showing me his immense gratitude.

"If I don't return Albus, promise me you'll take care of her."

"I give you my word," he said sombrely.

I nodded and walked with him back into the corridor. Athena was hurrying back up with a large black dog. She muttered something to it and it trotted past me with its tail down, growling slightly. I watched as it rounded the corner behind me and I frowned questioningly but she shook her head, and whilst Albus went to give Minerva instructions she took me by the arm.

"Are you ok?" she asked me quickly, her eyes searching my face.

"I am fine, what about you? You've always known haven't you, and there's been nothing you could do-"

I thought of the immense pain she had to go through alone knowing about the boy dying, about the dark lords' return, about Alastor or crouch or whatever I should call him now.

She shook her head and then kissed me urgently on the lips. I mirrored her urgency and passion, getting comfort and strength from her on this terrible night. It was like our kiss was oxygen, helping us breathe in this suffocating enclosed space. I heard footsteps to my right and I unwillingly pulled away. She turned her back on me and I wondered if she had succumbed to tears.

Albus appeared, his eyes flittering between the two of us for a moment.

"Athena can I ask you to join us in my office," he said, indicating Potter. I turned and went to greet and inform the minister at the front doors as they all turned the opposite way and walked up to Albus' office. I showed the minister in and filled him in quickly.

I went to check on the mark burnt into my arm. It smoked when I touched it, as if he knew I could feel it, he was waiting for me and I would have to return within the hour. I didn't know if I would return to the castle after. I had no guarantee on my life tonight, and there was a more than likely chanced I would be murdered by the dark lord. And Athena… would she cope without me? Of course she would… she'd move on… and me? Could I really leave her today? I shook my head, I had to.

I heard shrieking from down the corridor and I drew my wand again, sprinting in the direction of the noise. Minerva was screaming at the Minister who was shouting back at her. I got the gist of their argument and I joined in on Minerva's side. It appeared the stupid, tedious idiot, the complete imbecile of a minister had destroyed Barty Crouch, destroyed all the evidence he needed to prove the dark lord had returned.

His naivety would cost the world.

I stormed back to the hospital wing, flinging the doors open with a loud bang. The occupants all jumped. The Weasley family and Potters friends were there, pouring over Potter's bed next to about three ministry officials, Poppy the matron and that great black dog who growled at me when I entered. I scowled back at it and stood in the corner of the room, waiting for Albus. He entered with Athena behind him who sat down on a bed opposite me and stared at the floor.

Albus cleared his throat and the room fell silent.

"Lord Voldemort has returned" were his first words, causing some people to jump or shudder at the name. He went through all the options we had, giving out duties to people.

"There is work to be done." He said. "Molly," he said to Mrs Weasley,

"am I right in thinking that I can count on you and Arthur?"

She nodded gravely. They were trying to get the truth spread quickly, before Fudge covered it up with a ridiculous counter story. Bill Weasley left quickly to send a message to his father. Dumbledore then turned on Minerva. He asked to see Hagrid and Madam Maxime, the Beauxbatons headmistress as soon as possible. She left quickly. He then sent Madam Pomfrey to see to Winky, the house elf who had been servant to Barty Crouch.

"Sirius, I would like you to return to human form," he said aloud. I grew mutinous as I watched the great dog morph into Black- Sirius Black!

"him!" I spat, my eyes lingering on his stupid form in disgust. "What's he doing here?" I glared at him.

"You're on the same side now, both fighting for the same thing. I would like you to shake hands,"

Albus said calmly.

Both of us shot outraged glances at him and then looks of disgust at each other. I didn't want to touch the dog! I sensed everyone watching. I edged forward, extremely slowly and Black mirrored me. We took each others hand briefly and then let go as though we had received an electric shock.

"Sirius, we need to alert the order. The usual crowd, lie low at Lupin's for a while." Black nodded and hugged Potter and then transformed into the huge black dog again. He pattered over to Athena and she scratched behind his ears and then he turned and left.

Albus turned to me. It was now, he was asking me to go now, the time had come. I sensed Athena watching me from the corner of my eye. How was I to say goodbye to her?

"Severus," he began. I stared into his eyes, not wanting to see Athena's expression. "You know what I must ask you to do… if you are ready… if you are prepared?" I couldn't help myself, I let my eyes flicker to her for a split second, but that was long enough. It was almost a physical pain, mixed with fear and uncertainty.

I gritted my teeth. "I am."

"Then no more time must be wasted. Good luck."

I turned and walked straight for the door, concentrating on taking each footstep. It was like torture, this was the last place in the world I wanted to go, and I was walking away from the only thing I wanted. I was nearly at the door, I felt twenty pairs of eyes on my back and then I heard her.

"Shit! Severus-"

I spun on the spot and found her rushing towards me, a hard blazing look on her face. I didn't have to think about it, I didn't care about anyone watching or what anyone would think instead I stepped forwards to meet her and kissed her without a second's hesitation.

It wasn't goodbye, it was good luck. Her lips lingered over mine for a moment and I looked into her face hungrily.

"be well," she whispered, her hot breath tingling on my wet lips.

I turned and left the room without another word, without another glance at anything except her. I walked through the silent castle, ready to face what was waiting for me on the other side. She would be waiting for me when I returned, and I knew now that I would return because I had found the thing worth living for.

Instead of dwelling on what awaited me I wondered what was happening back with her. I imagined everyone's reactions to what they had seen. Horror and disgust I thought, I knew what most people thought of me, and they were probably right: I wasn't good enough for her, but I had no choice she had chosen me as much as I had chosen her. I wondered what she would say to them. She would either explain angrily and defiantly or be silent about the whole thing. Either way, I knew she wouldn't care what they thought. I stepped out into the cool air of the grounds and as soon as I was far enough from the gates, I apparated to hell.


	33. Finding a Room

I am alive.

He believed me, my high occlumency worked for me, he has been fooled. I am now his most faithful and well placed spy. I almost laughed aloud as I apparated into the castle grounds. Albus was the first person I sought out and I sat in his office for over four hours, talking about what had happened and planning what we had to do to fight him.

I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep but first of all I had to see Athena.

"Where is she?" I asked Albus.

"I believe she is at Grimauld Place at this very moment, we shall join her and the rest of the order shortly. She has been staying at Remus' place with him and Sirius."

My head shot up at this point but he held up a hand to silence me.

"They are her good friends, she has informed them of her situation with you, I know that for a fact as I have had Black up here questioning how I could allow it!" he chuckled at my stony expression.

"she has been waiting for you to come home from the moment you left," he said.

"Then let us go now."

He nodded and we left the office together, our cloaks billowing behind us as we walked quickly to the gates. We apparated to Grimauld Place, a building I had been in once before. It belonged to Black now and was the new headquarters of the order of the phoenix. Albus knocked on the door three times and we waited. Finally there was the chink of chains and bolts from the other side of the door and then it opened up into the dark hallway. Minerva smiled at Albus and then her eyes widened when she saw me.

"Severus!" she gasped.

I heard the crash of a chair hitting the stone floor from a room down the hall. The door was flung open and through the bright lights I saw her figure. She paused in the doorway, as though she didn't believe it until she saw me and when she did I smiled at her and she smiled at me. She rushed past Minerva and Albus and I lifted her into a hug, taking in her feel, her scent, feeling her breath on my neck. I relinquished my grasp on her and she beamed at me in a relieved way.

"I am sorry I'm late" Albus said, breaking the shocked silence of everyone else.

Athena looked around, meeting everyone with an embarrassed smile on her face. Albus cleared his throat and everyone seemed to jump and hurry back into the kitchen where everyone was gathered around the table.

I stood at the back, leaning against a counter with Athena. She held my hand in hers tightly, and I, like her, did not care about the incredulous looks everyone gave us. She only let go of my hand three times throughout the whole meeting, which lasted over three hours. The first time was to greet Lupin with a hug, and it didn't even bother me in the slightest. The second time she moved to talk to the order and the last time to talk to Black as I refused to go near him. Each time she retook my hand, everyone watched, as if expecting me to flinch away or exclaim in horror. I almost laughed.

When the meeting broke apart we left together, after she had said goodbye to most people she leant up and muttered something quietly into my ear.

"Remus and Sirius are staying here tonight, so do you want to stay at Remus' with me?"

I nodded, a smile creeping onto my face. We apparated to Lupin's house and she showed me around quickly. It was a simple layout with only two bedrooms, but when I questioned this she said Black had been sleeping on the fold out sofa. She pulled me back downstairs by the hand and she summoned some glasses and a bottle of Firewhiskey into the living room. I knew why she kept her hand linked in mine and I was glad she did. She had let me go and now she had only just got me back…

"What happened?" she asked quietly, gazing at my face.

"He believed my story," I said simply, not wanting to let on how bad it had been.

"Tell me everything," she said more firmly. There is not a chance he just let you walk in there and talk. Did he use the cruciatus curse?"

I avoided her gaze. "A little, nothing less would be expected of the dark lord."

"Severus." she whispered, making me look at her. "I need to know. Please? I know it's horrific. I know that it will tear me up inside to see it, but it's happening already Severus! I… you don't seem to realise just how much I love you-"

"You shouldn't-"

"Severus please, it rips me apart to see you in danger, in pain, in misery and you know as I do what everyone thinks of you, of us! They will never understand how…how absolutely and unquestionably self sacrificing you are for them. I'm trying to understand myself how you can have the strength to do what you're doing and I know I'll never understand but…" she paused and ran her fingers along my chest. I looked up at her touch, a pained expression on my face at what she was saying. She didn't realise that she was practically describing my love for her…

"all I know is that you mean everything to me, absolutely everything, it's… it's like you _are_ me, if you're hurting, so am I. I need to know what happened to you Severus. I need you to trust me as I trust you and I know that it is God so much to ask! But I'm asking you Severus because I love you with all my heart and all my mind and all the strength I have within me."

She paused for a moment and then she got up and left the room. I heard her footsteps on the stairs and a floorboard creaked from above me.

I knew I didn't have to show her… but I also knew I was foolish to think I could try and trick her, try and fool her and not tell her the truth. I got up slowly and made my way upstairs after her. I sat on the bed next to her. Could I really do this? I found I had no choice. I stood and placed the tip of my wand to my temple, drawing from it a strand of silver memory. I lowered it gently into the pensieve that sat opposite us. She stood up next to me and lowered her face gently to it. She was lost in my memories…

I watched her closely for signs of subconscious reactions. Her hands twitched on the sideboard and she flinched. Her eyes were closed but they twitched slightly and I wondered if she was crying. She jumped suddenly and her hands shook, almost like a shiver. She shook her head and then suddenly she drew a gasping breath. It was over, she was back. She stayed with her back to me for a moment before turning to look up at my pained face. Finally she kissed me softly, again and again as if each kiss could take back the pain.

When I awoke the next morning she was wrapped in my arms, still asleep. I stayed and watched her for a while but then I prised myself away and went for a shower as I was due at the ministry within an hour. I was making myself a cup of coffee when she came downstairs in one of my shirts and a pair of shorts. It took my breath away, just as she had done when she had woken with me for the first time over a year ago. She leant against the doorway and tilted her head to the side curiously.

"Do you have to go out today?" She said pouting slightly.

I nodded, smiling slightly.

She walked over slowly and kissed me with full lips, her brown eyes gazing into mine.

She drew back and smiled mischievously. "are you sure?"

I laughed deeply but nodded all the same. "What are you going to do with yourself today?"

"Grimauld Place probably, there's lots to be done."

"Don't let that dog take advantage of you being there" I said quickly before she could cut across me.

I thought she had just ignored my comment until I asked her for a quick kiss goodbye. She raised her eyebrows and said, "sorry Severus but I'm in such a rush to meet my dog friend I just don't have the time."

She turned and walked up the stairs, I scowled up at her slender legs as they turned the corner out of sight. I wasn't going to apologise, I didn't like her spending all this time with him. I threw my coffee down the sink and left, slamming the door behind me.

The minister should be sacked! He should be locked up in Azkaban for his complete stupidity and naivety! He is insisting that the dark lord has not returned. I even showed him my mark, Albus offered to take Veritaserum, but the minister came up with some stupid excuse and refused! He doesn't want the stress and struggle. He doesn't want the dark lord to return under his power, but he has and ignoring it like he is will kill hundreds of people! I am outraged! Disgusted! He's such a coward!

I went to Grimauld Place to see Kingsley, the auror, straight after the meeting, but Athena opened the door. She was wearing a muggle t shirt with print across it, and tight jeans that cut off just before the knee. Just looking at her made me forget my anger at the ministry, but then I remembered she was angry at me. She let me in without saying anything, and I followed her up the hallway where she led me into the kitchen where Black, Kingsley, Lupin and Molly were talking.

Kingsley walked over when I entered, and told me about the minister's decision. I nodded, telling him what I knew. We made a plan for the auror office, or for those aurors who were on our side. Molly announced dinner was ready, and although I don't normally eat meals here I decided to stay. I sat on the other side of Athena, who was talking to Lupin quietly. Lupin laughed at something she'd said and then he stood up to grab a drink. I took my opportunity and whilst he was away I took her hand under the table. She stiffened for only a split second and then she turned to look at me. I could tell she was still trying to be angry, but a smile lit up in her eyes. I raised my eyebrows at her indignant face and she had to bite her lip to stop herself from smiling.

"shut up" she said quietly as she finally smiled.

I laughed under my breath and then she reached over and pulled my collar, pulling me to her. She kissed me, still smiling and my hand squeezed hers.

"oh get a room!" came a disgusted voice from across the table: Black had noticed us. I got up smartly, drawing my wand but Athena got up too.

"we'll take your advice Sirius" she said winking at him.

"I'm so sorry Molly, but Severus and I have been ordered to-err-find a room, maybe some other time…"

Molly smiled at her but Black stood up.

"goodnight Sirius" she said and she turned and walked out.

I followed her, but paused to threaten Black. "watch your mouth dog, I won't be as forgiving next time."

"are you threatening me!" he said under his breath, neither of us wanted Athena to hear.

"I believe I am." I turned and walked out, nodding to Kingsley as I passed him.

I took Athena by the arm and we apparated from the square outside.

"thank you for not rising to him" she said when we walked through into Lupin's house. "I know he's a jerk sometimes…" I decided not to mention me threatening him.

I turned to grab a drink from the cupboard but she put her hand on my arm to stop me.

"Aren't we supposed to be…finding a room?"


	34. Torturing Kittens

I heard the clatter of pans from downstairs when I awoke the next morning.

I showered and dressed and went down for breakfast, only to bump straight into Lupin: I forgot it was his house. He seemed more embarrassed than me to find I had stayed over. He cleared his throat, "sleep well?"

I nodded and silence fell again. It didn't bother me in the slightest, but I knew it was making him uncomfortable. I suppressed a laugh. At this point Athena entered, wearing silk purple robes she had bought the other day.

"morning" she said to both of us. Lupin and I both smiled at the same time. She smiled to herself, no doubt laughing at our awkward situation.

"are you at the ministry today Remus?' she asked, leaning against the kitchen counter.

He nodded, "I'm lending Arthur a hand with progress reports. I'm going to fly to London though."

"could I join you? I'm meeting Albus at eleven."

"of course, that would be great" he beamed.

"Do you wanna meet at Grimauld Place about five this evening?" she asked me. "I promised Molly I'd stay for tea tonight, if you want to stay too..?"

I said I would, not wanting to leave her alone with the dog.

Remus said he'd get his broom and Athena took hers from the cupboard behind me.

"have a good day" she said gazing up at me. I kissed her lightly on the lips and she smiled.

"why are you smiling?" I asked.

She smiled again. "I literally can't help it."

I chuckled but at that moment Lupin came down.

"ready?"

She nodded and then winked at me, "see you at five."

I smiled at her and nodded to Lupin, who raised his hand in a farewell and then the door shut and they were gone. I believe I am taking a liking to Lupin, just ever so slightly. Well, I don't hate him anymore and that's practically the same thing… He looked after her, and he was a good friend to her, and yet I didn't feel threatened by him. I knew he wasn't the type to pounce when my back was turned, unlike the dog.

I had to report to Lucius Malfoy, a death eater that afternoon, on Albus' orders, although the dark lord thought it was on his of course. I shan't write about it- I like to keep this world and the hateful world separate.

However, Lucius was slow and so I was almost half an hour late at Grimauld Place.

When I arrived everyone was seated around the table. I scanned around for Athena and I found her sitting next to Kingsley at the far end of the table. She smiled when I entered but when I walked around the table I saw her shoot a warning glance at Black across the table. I smiled inside; I would try my best to annoy him this dinner.

Molly quickly hastened to get me something to eat and I thanked her, she did cook well. I sat down next to Athena and immediately whispered in her ear something that made her smile seductively. I saw Black's expression harden and I smirked at him. I saw the grip on his fork tighten but I didn't stop. I took her hand, it was under the table but it was obvious and Black stood up and left the room.

Athena didn't seem to notice, or if she did she didn't say anything about it or draw attention to it. When we were leaving she went to find Black whilst I waited in the hall. She didn't look annoyed when she came down so I guessed he hadn't said anything.

I am so angry! Absolutely infuriated! Complete set on getting revenge on that filthy dog, that disgusting animal, how dare he! He kissed her! I went to Grimauld Place after the ministry on Friday night and there seemed to be a commotion going in the kitchen. Black was standing in the doorway, glaring at Athena from across the kitchen. She was glaring at him back with her wand pointed fiercely at his chest. Her hand was purple and cut at the knuckle. The people in the kitchen were silent, watching them both. Remus was standing between them with one of his arms stretched out towards Black.

"What's going on?" I demanded.

No one said anything for a while and then Athena scowled, still not lowering her wand.

"Sirius is being-"

"We're talking about you Snivellus-"

That did it for me. I drew my wand so fast he was too slow to react, pinning him up against the wall with my wand pressed to his throat. He grimaced against the pain.

"I could do it you know-" I threatened.

I heard people shouting at me to leave him alone, but then I felt a hand against my chest. It was Athena. I stepped back slightly.

"What's going on?" I muttered to her again but Black was the one who answered in his stupid sneering voice.

"you're using her you-"

He pushed me over the edge with that one. I shoved Athena back and sent a curse at Black from along the hall. It only just missed him and then I had to duck as he sent one at me. There were flashes of lights and I could hear Athena screaming at us both. I concentrated on aiming perfectly; I had a clear shot of his chest-

Athena stepped out into the hall and I had to quickly redirect my wand so as not to hit her.

"That's enough !" she shouted, drawing her wand as the chandelier above her shattered. She vanished the glass impatiently with her wand.

"Athena get out of the way" I said quickly, taking aim behind her.

"Athena don't be stupid" Black said, mirroring my actions.

"don't tell me what to fucking do! You're the ones with wands in your hands and I'd really appreciate it if you both lowered them."

I lowered mine slowly, not taking my eyes off black. She marched Sirius into the kitchen and slammed the door behind them.

"what's going on?" I said turning on Remus.

"A misunderstanding Severus, I'm sure Athena will tell you the whole story."

"what happened to her hand? What did he do to her? Did he hurt her?"

"I believe she punched him."

I relaxed slightly. "why? What did he do to her?" I pressed angrily.

At that moment the door opened and Athena marched out. I tried to get passed her but she took my arm and pulled me around.

"Severus we're leaving."

She said a hasty goodbye to everyone and then practically dragged me out of the door.

"god let me go back in there and rip off his head the mangy dog-"

"Severus shut up, he's my friend, and don't call him a dog!"

I was outraged she was taking his side! I scowled at her but then she sighed and looked up at me apologetically. "sorry."

I moved on: "so what happened? I didn't get the whole picture…"

""Sirius… Sirius doesn't think that we're right... together. He thinks that… that he'd be a better match. "

My face tightened and my hand moved automatically into my pocket, gripping my wand tightly.

"I…" She looked down at the floor. "I punched him. He… he said some things and…he kissed me…"

That was it, I snapped and turned around, marching back with my wand drawn, how dare he!

"Severus don't!" she ordered, running in front of me and pushing my wand arm down.

"It was my problem; I've dealt with it, ok?"

I stopped. "Why couldn't I deal with it? I'd sort him out and make sure he never touched you again-"

I looked down at her, not concealing the anger spread across my face. "how dare he put his filthy-"

"Stop it." She said, almost pleadingly. "he has apologised Severus, he knows I'm with you and he knows not to push it again, ok?"

"he damn right knows not to push it again" I said through gritted teeth: I was furious. I felt her hand in my pocket and I let her prise my fingers off my wand. I knew Albus would be furious if I did anything to Black. She dragged me back to the house and she was careful not to mention him again that evening. Instead I put ice on her hand for her and hoped Black was really feeling the pain. I chuckled to myself; she could really look after herself when she had to.

We apparated to Hogwarts together on the first of September and both walked up to Albus' office. He seemed to be annoyed and explained that as he had failed to get anyone for the defence against the dark arts professor the minister had taken it as an opportunity to get a spy on the school: Dolores Umbridge, senior undersecretary to the minister and according to Albus, an old hag.

"don't let her get wind of your relationship" he warned us sternly. "how is it going by the way?" he said, his eyes twinkling.

Athena laughed and shook her head at him. He chuckled and winked at her and I stood there looking utterly confused and abrupt.

I left her up there with him whilst I went to unpack. I knew wasn't going to be able to spend much time with her this year. In my free time I was mostly doing work for the order or spying on the dark lord and then updating Albus. It wasn't a very happy year although the times I spent with her were amazing. She still shocked me with every kiss, every touch, just like she had done with the first touch, the fist kiss. She seemed so much happier to be back at Hogwarts, it was her true home, just as it was mine. Dolores tried to catch us out at every turn, but Athena laughed her off and I scowled at her until she left me alone. We were careful to only be seen together in crowds, and if I went around to her office, I usually went under a disillusionment charm or the invisibility cloak.

About a week before Christmas there was a soft knock on the door. I glanced at the clock; it was just gone midnight. I put my book down and pulled the door ajar: it was Athena. I frowned, letting her in, she didn't usually come down to the dungeons, especially not at this late hour. She squeezed through the door, raising her eyebrows at the book 'elixirs for the dead' I was reading.

"nice read" she said.

"to what do I owe the pleasure..?" I asked, still curious as to why she was here. She sighed and indicated for me to sit next to her.

"Albus is gonna wanna speak to you in about an hour and I'm probably going to leave in about an hour, so I figured we could help each other stay awake…" she explained yawning.

"why does he want me and why are you leaving?" I asked frowning, but she shook her head and I knew not to question her. I shut my book and put my arm around her. She moved up closer to me, her warm body fitting against my side like a jigsaw. It was soothing. It told me that she felt safe with me, that I was her protector…

"so…" I said in a quiet voice, "how long until Albus comes to find us..?"

She laughed a playful laugh and shoved me jokingly. I smiled down at her small figure.

"do be helpful for Albus ok? He's under a lot of stress."

"what's he making me do? Torture kittens?"

She laughed, "oh something much worse than that."

She yawned again and then gave a soft sigh. "mm… you're so comfortable…"

I smiled and kissed the top of her head. "when are you going to be back?' There was no answer.

"Athena?" I tilted my head slightly so I could see her face. Her eyes were closed and she was sound asleep. I smiled to myself and stroked her arm with the tips of my fingers.

About forty minutes later there was a sharp tap on the door.

"come in" I said quietly.

It was Minerva. She paused in the doorway and a smile broke out onto her face as she saw Athena, asleep leaning against my arm. I shook her gently awake and she stirred, opening her eyes and squinting.

"aw god I'm sorry" she said when she Minerva. I pulled her up from the sofa and she grabbed a bag she'd brought with her. Minerva led us half way up the corridor and then she bade us goodnight and left.

"uh that was so embarrassing! I thought it was you're job to make sure I didn't fall asleep"

"you look… cute…when you sleep" I said softly, unable to find a better word.

She raised her eyebrows. "when was the last time you said cute?"

"I think that was the first time actually."

"thought so, fizzing whizbee" she added, opening the passageway to Albus' office.

Albus was sporting another of his magnificent purple night gowns. "ah, Severus, I must ask you to help me," he said after bowing his head slightly to Athena.

"You remember I am sure, how I told you of my need to avoid Harry, in order to protect him from Lord Voldemort possessing him?"

I nodded.

"well it is too late, Athena I am sure you know what has happened?"

She nodded. "I am going to go and spend the night at Sirius'… I think he needs me."

I wasn't happy at this point but I said nothing.

"will you take a portkey?" he indicated the hat on his desk.

She smiled, "please."

"portus" he muttered.

"I'll see you both tomorrow" she said smiling at us and then she touched the hat and was gone.

"now Severus, I believe Lord Voldemort has discovered the connection between his and Harry's mind. I am sure that for the moment he will try to use that connection to spy on me, and I must ask you to help prevent it. I would like you to teach Harry Occlumency."

"Potter has already shown his inability to do anything I say in potions class, I doubt highly he will attempt at this. "

"Severus-"

"he is just like his father! Arrogant, insolent, he won't even try, can't follow the simplest of instructions, and now you want me to spend even more time with him!"

"Severus, I am asking you to stop the boy being possessed. It has nothing to do with who you think he's like, or your opinion of him."

"why can't someone else do it!"

"You are the most accomplished occlumens in the school-"

"what about Athena?"

He raised his eyebrows and I sighed. "she has nothing against the boy, and she is just as accomplished as me."

Severus, you know full well she can not in her position."

I said nothing, I knew he was right.

I waited until later the next morning until I went to find Athena as I was not sure when she would be back. However, when I knocked on her office door she answered with her guitar slung around her back and a pick in her hand.

"I told you it was worse than kittens" she said, raising her eyebrows and letting me in when she saw my scowl.

"Sev can't you go easy on the boy?" she said desperately.

I span round, about to argue with her, to tell her of his arrogant behaviour and manner but she spoke quickly first:

"ok, ok stupid question. Do you want breakfast?" she added, slipping off the guitar and putting it back on the stand in the corner of the room.

"please."

She lit the stove and I heard the sound of sausages sizzling. "Arthur ok?"

She nodded. "yeah he'll be fine."

I wanted to ask her what I had asked Albus, I new I shouldn't but… well it was only a question.

"why can't you do it? Or just someone else?"

"Severus he's just a boy" she said, turning to look at me.

"An insolent, arrogant, whiney little boy, just like his father! Strutting about the castle as if-"

"sev" she said softly, her eyes asking me to stop. I held my tongue, it was almost as though she knew that by calling me that she made my heart soften.

"I know that you have a grudge against his Father, and it's completely understandable. I just don't think you should take it out on his son…"

"He deserves it! It'll do him good to be put in his place, stop showing his big head off-"

"ok, ok stop! I know you hate him, I know that's probably never going to change but Sev you have to do this for Albus… don't you owe him that?"

She sighed and handed me a plate of food. I muttered thanks in an unhappy voice.

"aw come on! You can't be in a mood with me!" she said, sitting next to me and trying to catch my eye. I stared straight ahead but she took the plate from me and put it aside. "talk to me" she whispered.

I said nothing and in one fluid moment she swung her leg around and was somehow sitting directly on my lap. The sudden seductive movement caught me off guard and I sensed a smile brewing on my face. She kissed me lightly as she straddled my lap, sending a shock of pleasure through my spine. I leant forward and kissed her back with full lips and a heavily beating heart.

"now get off I want to eat my bacon" I said quickly, before my feelings got the better of me.

She giggled and walked into the other room, leaving me to eat with my thoughts for company. God I hated the boy so much. I knew Dumbledore would be watching me, he'd make sure I didn't use these lessons to make his life hell. God I wish I could. Maybe a little? But first I had to tell him. I imagined he'd be spending the next few days at Grimauld Place with his beloved dog of a godfather.

I ate my breakfast quickly and left her to paint her wall.


	35. Please Don't Leave Me

When she said she was going to Grimauld Place later on I tagged along, as I assumed Potter would be there. Athena kept a warning hand on my arm and she asked Sirius to shout him down from upstairs.

He came down, looking surprised and confused that I was asking after him and I lead him into the kitchen but Black followed of course.

"sit down" I said, attempting to be polite.

"you know I think I'd prefer it if you didn't give the orders here Snape, it's my house see…" he said, leaning back on his chair like a lazy scumbag.

"I did ask to see you without a certain presence potter, but-"

"I'm his godfather" he interrupted me.

"I am here on Dumbledore's orders," I said in a threatening voice. "but by all means, stay Black, I know you like to feel…ah, involved…"

"Severus cut it out!" Athena said sharply.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Black said cutting over her and standing up sharply, letting his chair fall back with a bang.

"Merely that I am sure you must feel – ah – frustrated by the fact you can do nothing useful"

"Severus can you just be civil, please?" Athena said louder_. _

I glanced at her angry face and then summoned my self control and turned back to Potter .

"The headmaster has wished for me to tall you Potter, that it is his wish for you to study occlumency this year."

"study what?" he said stupidly.

I sneered at him, "the magical defence of the mind potter. An obscure branch of magic, but a highly useful one."

"why do I have to study occlu-thing?" he asked, proving even more he's a complete idiot. I'd just told him hadn't I?

"Because the headmaster thinks it's a good idea. You will receive private lessons once a week, but you will not tell anyone you are doing so, understand?"

"yes. Who's going to be teaching me?"

"I am."

"Why can't Dumbledore teach Harry?" Black asked quickly.

"I suppose because it is the headmaster's privilege to delegate less enjoyable tasks. I assure you I did not beg for the job. I will expect you six o' clock on Monday evening in my office potter."

"wait a moment" I heard as I turned to leave.

"I am in rather a hurry Black, unlike you I do not have unlimited leisure time."

"Sev" I heard a stern voice from behind me.

"I'll get to the point then" Black said, thinking that if he straightened himself out he'd look more threatening to me. His next sentence almost made me laugh: "If I hear you're using these lessons to give Harry a hard time, you'll have me to answer to."

How touching" I sneered. "but surely you have noticed that Potter is very much like his father?"

"Yes I have" he said proudly, actually believing I had complimented him.

"well then you know that he is so arrogant criticism simply bounces of him."

"Severus!" Athena shouted angrily.

Black pushed his chair roughly aside and marched around the table to me. Finally he gave me an excuse to hurt him as he drew his wand. I drew mine too, squaring up to him. But Athena tried to shove her way on between us, shouting something I didn't listen to.

"I'm warning you Snivellus"

"Sirius shut the fuck up" Athena said sharply.

"Oh stick up for your boyfriend! I don't care if Albus or Athena think you've changed, I know different!"

"Oh but then why don't you tell him so?" I threatened maliciously. "or are you afraid he won't take seriously the word of a man who has been hiding in his mother's house for the past six months."

"Are you calling me a coward!" he roared in my face.

"why yes, I suppose I am" I said raising my voice too. I was just about to threaten him when there was a bang, a flash of light and I was flown backwards into the kitchen cupboard. I grimaced as the pain hit my shoulder but I straightened myself up to find Athena had cast the spell. Black was scrambling to his feet on the other side of the room.

"now stop it!" she shouted, pointing her wand at both of us. "you both promised you'd cut it out."

"you heard your girlfriend Snivellus," Black spat, but she sent a curse just above his head and he flinched.

"Severus, I'll catch you up"" she said angrily, indicating to the door. I made a quick decision in my head to leave.

"six o' clock Monday potter" I said to the stupid coward.

I didn't bother waiting outside, I was still angry. I apparated straight back to Hogwarts and waited for her outside her office, I couldn't believe she'd stopped my chance to get Black, and with a good excuse too.

I heard brisk footsteps and she marched around the corner,

" what the hell do you think you're playing at?" she said, opening the door and not letting me speak. "can't you just put your freakin past behind you? For my sake, if not for Harry's? I know you hate him but this is ridiculous! You can't even be in the same room without starting a fight!"

"you expect me to be civil to that mangy-"

"shut up" she dared to snap.

"don-t"

She turned her back smartly on me and walked into her kitchen, slamming the door behind me. I was outraged. I stepped forward to confront her but then decided against it; this was her mess to sort out, hers and that revolting repulsive, sickening filthy dog's.

I span around and went to my office, mixing a shrinking solution antidote to try and calm myself. I went for dinner later in the great hall, but she was there. She looked up as I walked in but then I turned and walked straight back out again, not wanting to talk to her just yet. I started another potion, murtlap essence. It was quite complicated and so it required my concentration, allowing my breathing to normalise and my anger to cool slightly.

I was half way through brewing when there was a light knock on the door and it opened. She stayed in the doorway and gave a sort of grimace.

"I'm sorry" she began sincerely, looking into my eyes. "I know you can't just switch off your feelings about him, because… well I know you hate him and I can't change that so… I'm sorry I had a go…"

I nodded. I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at him. "apology accepted."

"murtlap essence?" she stated quietly.

"Yes.." again surprised by her knowledge in potions. "listen… how about I come get you in twenty minutes and we can go for a drink?"

"really?"

"sure."

However at this moment we were interrupted by a soft cough from behind Athena.

"hem hem."

"Dolores" Athena said in her fake happy voice, turning around to meet the pink cardigan. "what a pleasant surprise… so what brings you down here?"

"I am just making sure that everything is how it should be" she replied in her nauseating sweet voice.

She peered around Athena to me. She was trying to catch us out, just as Albus had predicted.

"right, well I'll get out of your way then" Athena said, winking at me. She turned and left me to deal with Dolores. I eventually managed to get rid of her after her walking around my room suspiciously for a while. I put on cologne, wanting to make an effort for Athena and I went to her office.

She opened the door wearing some rather revealing silver robes. I averted my eyes directly, but I couldn't help them straying again. Even when I looked down at the floor I noticed her long slender tanned legs. She didn't seem to notice me watching her and she grabbed her bag and we left. We walked out of the castle together and when we had been swallowed up by the darkness I took her hand. She smiled up at me and squeezed my fingers gently. We found a small table in the corner of three broomsticks and cast a disillusionment charm about us.

"so how's this year looking?" I asked her, having to lean right against her face for her to be able to hear me.

She pulled a face.

"that bad?"

She shrugged. "I don't really… put things in order, if you know what I mean, I just notice that they're happening when they start to happen, but… sometimes I know when things are coming up and I hate it. So really I try not to dwell on things I've seen. So I guess I'm not gonna answer your question, sorry Sev."

I nodded.

"Anyway, the dark lord has terrible things planned, everyone with sense knows that."

"can I ask? Why do you call him the dark lord?"

"I don't know… I don't have a problem calling him Voldemort; I've just always said the other one."

I nodded understandingly and then I decided to say something that had been brewing on my mind all night. "you look beautiful." I said softly.

She smiled and her eyes twinkled. "thank you Severus. If we weren't in the middle of a pub almost definitely packed with ministry spies I'd kiss you right now."

"that's good to know," I said smiling to myself, not only at what she said but at the way she shivered when my breath tickled her neck. It wasn't a bad shiver, it was an attractive one.

" Have you seen Remus lately?" she asked.

"not for about a week."

"I hope Albus isn't pushing him too much, with all this order stuff."

"He'll cope."

"mm. I'm sure he will. He's stronger than people think" she said absentmindedly stroking my hand on the table. I moved it quickly and she jumped. "god I keep forgetting we're out in public…"

"we can go after this drink if you like?"

She shook her head, "It's ok…"

I glanced around quickly and then took her hand and put it under the table where no one could see. I linked my fingers through hers and she smiled, laughing a little.

"Albus is frustrated." I said.

"I know… the minister is being disgraceful, his naivety is abominable."

"will he see sense eventually?"

"he will be made to…"

"the dark lord will reveal himself?"

She nodded.

I raised my eyebrows, surprise by this information.

"what are you doing this Christmas?" I asked, it was only a week away after all.

"not sure, I'll find out tomorrow."

"do you want me to get you something?"

"no, seriously, no, just no. thank you, but no."

I chuckled. "not even one present? Just one?"

"no! promise me, no."

"ok, ok I promise. Though I still think you should humour me, you won't even tell me when your birthday is."

"because I know you'll buy me things."

"I won't I promise."

"and also I don't want to be reminded about my birthday."

"why on earth not? It's not like you're getting old? God you don't look a day past twenty. Of course, I know you definitely have to be over twenty but…" I sighed. She was so much younger than me. When I was with her I didn't notice, when I thought about her I didn't think about her age at all, but now we were talking about it… I was in my late thirties! She was twenty something!

"Severus stop worrying" she said squeezing my hand. She must have noticed I was thinking about it. "I don't care how old you are so I don't see why you should worry about my age… unless it's a problem for you?" she added, suddenly looking worried.

I shook my head quickly. "You just… you're wasting your time with me… you're so young and yet you're here sat in a pub with a thirty-something year old potions master, who-"

"I love." She said simply.

I stopped and looked at her disapprovingly; trying not to show how happy it made me to hear those words.

"against your better judgement I hope."

She laughed, "oh definitely."

I was still curious as to how old she actually was, but I said nothing. Perhaps I would ask Remus.

"how was Albus yesterday?" I asked.

She smiled, 'he was fine, his usual humorous self."

"he loves you like a daughter" I said, merely stating what was true.

She smiled warmly, "I love him like a father…he's… indescribable… "

I laughed. "yes he is."

"he'll show the minister in the end."

"I'm sure he will. Do you have lessons tomorrow?"

"last one before Christmas" she smiled. "first thing though."

"does that mean you can't… stay over tonight?" I muttered in her ear, stroking her hand under the table.

She laughed quietly to herself mischievously. "well I could just wake up early… that is, if we were planning on sleeping anyway…"

I wanted so badly to take her back to the castle at that moment but she insisted on another drink and went up to the bar to get them. I spotted Kingsley Shacklebolt from across the room. He raised a hand in greeting and I nodded back to him. He walked over to the bar and leant down, muttering something in Athena's ear. She laughed up at him and he joined in with her in his great booming laugh. He said something else and she nodded, turning around to glance at me. She smiled when she saw me watching her. I wondered what they were talking about. She chatted to him for a few more moments and then Rosmerta handed her the drinks and she came back over to me, handing me a glass of Firewhiskey.

"How's Kingsley?" I asked.

She smiled, "he's fine. He says he'll be at Grimauld place for Christmas."

I nodded. "any particular reason you were definitely talking about me?"

She laughed. "yes we were talking about you."

"and?"

She laughed.

"go on?"

She shook her head, still laughing.

I gave her a fake scowl and she laughed again. "ok I'll tell you tonight, I promise."

"good. When does tonight begin?"

She winked at me. "as soon as we've finished these drinks."

She looked down at her glass for a moment and then suddenly she took her glass and drank the mead in one go, looking rather dizzy when she had finished, but still smiling.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, taking my wand from my pocket. I pointed it at the glass and the liquid immediately vanished.

She grimaced and then laughed at herself. "that would have been easier…"

I nodded smiling. We stood up and I led her out of the pub, holding her arm to steady her as I was sure she was dizzy from downing her drink. My assumptions were correct and she stumbled when we stepped outside. I waited until we were swallowed up by darkness and no one was around before I put my arm around her waist.

When we got back to her office I kissed her. "so… are you going to tell me what you and kingsley were saying?"

She smiled and kissed me. "he said you couldn't take your eyes off me… true?"

I kissed her: "true."

I pushed her through the door of her bedroom and we collapsed on the bed together, quickly ridding each other of clothes.

"Severus" she said sweetly, kissing my bare chest as I trailed circles lightly on her shoulder.

"mm?"

"please don't leave me" she said so quietly I thought I'd misheard. She averted her eyes from mine, focussing on her hands moving over my chest.

I sat up, slightly confused by the seriousness in her voice. I enveloped her hands in mine and brought them to my lips, kissing them tenderly. Her eyes finally flickered up to mine and I could see she was genuinely frightened.

"Athena" I murmured, "I couldn't if I tried."

The sun from the window woke me up the next morning. I rolled over onto an empty bed: Athena had left already. I sighed and showered quickly and then went back to my office under a disillusionment charm.

I didn't see her at all today- I believe she spent the day at Grimauld Place. I would probably have minded if it was just her and Black, but Albus assured me the Weasley family were there all day too. I had no lessons as I had finished for Christmas and so I apparated to Spinners End to my house there and sorted my library out. I had so many books it took me all day, but it was a distraction and it didn't take much concentration. I spent the evening drinking with Albus in his office, and Minerva joined us for the first hour or so.

"how are you planning on spending Christmas severus?" she asked.

"I have not yet decided."

"or should we ask with whom are you planning to spend it with?" Albus chuckled, pouring himself yet another glass of mead.

"I have not yet decided." I repeated, ignoring their laughter.

"oh pray Severus, do humour this old man. How on earth have you managed to capture the heart of such a delightful young lady?"

"Albus I do not wish to discuss my-"

"your what? Your love life?" he said laughing. It was clear they'd both had rather a lot to drink.

"If that's what you want to call it."

"the silent, mysterious type" Minerva chuckled. "anyway no matter how enthralling this conversation must be I should retire" she said getting up unsteadily.

"shall I escort you back Minerva?" I asked.

"thank you severus, but I shall be fine."

We bade her good night and she left. "do you mind Albus; I'd rather not discuss myself and Athena in front of Minerva, especially when she's drunk."

"It's Christmas severus!"

I stayed silent.

"So are you spending Christmas with Athena?"

"I truly have not yet decided Albus; I'll be sure to let you know as soon as possible." I added sarcastically.

"Remus informed me about her situation with Sirius. Quite a punch he said…"

"I'd have done worse if I'd have gotten the chance."

"ah but what stopped you? You have finally begun to control your hate towards him? Or is there someone else who is stopping you, and helping you control it?"

"She holds him in a high regard."

"her best friend I believe?"

I nodded once, not happy about it.

"well I applaud you Severus for standing back and letting it happen."

"I've tried to make her see what he really is-"

"she is too stubborn for you?"

"I don't control her Albus, she's her own person."

He beamed at me and I raised my eyebrows questioningly.

"I believe you don't even mind her being beyond your control, doing what she pleases, befriending people you despise."

"what's that supposed to mean? Of course I mind her spending her time with that dog, I mind her getting into accidents everywhere- I worry about her Albus! I mean come on, in the last month she's broken her hand! But… there is nothing I can do. She's not dependant on me."

"I disagree. I believe she depends on you for many things. She feels safe with you Severus. She can take care of herself; we all saw that with Sirius, but when she is with you I can see how safe she feels. She relies on you to protect her."

"I won't let her down."

"and what about those things that are beyond your control? She knows things that are yet to happen."

"And when they happen I shall be here to protect her. I would die for her Albus."

"I believe you would Severus. It appears you need her as much as she needs you."

I thought about what he had said for a moment. "she doesn't need me." I said quietly in conclusion. "she… she could survive without me, I am quite sure."

"You could survive without her, but you would feel like you were in hell! She loves you Severus! She loves you more than she has ever loved anyone!"

"has she ever talked to you about anyone else?"

"I don't quite understand you."

"there's a man… she has a photo of him in her office, of them together. When I go over there she would hide it. I haven't seen it for about two months, but then I looked in her purse for something the other day and it was in there."

"Severus, you went through her purse?"

I waved my hand nonchalantly. "I was just getting something she'd forgotten, I wasn't spying on her Albus. Has she spoken to you about him?"

Albus looked pensieve for a moment. "What do you want me to say Severus? I am not the person you want to hear this from."

She has then?"

He nodded once.

I didn't know what to say. Did I want to know? I had a past, I didn't expect her to have never been with another man but… why has she not moved on and forgotten about him?

"She needs you Severus; she has told me about you, a great deal about you, I don't think I've ever spent a long period of time with her without her mentioning you."

"I still don't understand her." I said truthfully. What on earth does she see in me? Why would she want me?

"nor I" he smiled reassuringly. "Though I do understand that she would like to spend Christmas day with you."

I smiled." I hope so."

Albus was truly the only person I was confident in speaking to about these things, and I was glad I could confide in him.


	36. Christmas and Death

On Christmas eve, two days after, Athena came to my office smiling. I hadn't seen her in about three days and so I greeted her with a hug. She seemed surprised, but after I had heard about what she had told Albus concerning me, I wanted to make sure she knew how much I cared about her. She hugged me back tightly on her tip toes and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

"I have a proposal that you're probably not g0ing to like, but if you don't want to come then that's fine."

"oh yes?" I asked, sitting down on a desk with her, intrigued.

"You and I have been invited to Grimauld Place for Christmas dinner tomorrow."

"I don't eat there." I said harshly.

"It's Christmas," she insisted.

"I don't care."

"So because you have a thing against Sirius you're not going to spend Christmas day with me?"

Would she really choose him over me?

"why don't we just both not go and then we can send the whole day together?"

"I have already given my word to Sirius and I want to spend Christmas day with my friends _and_ you, not one or the other."

"I'm not setting foot in that dog's house again."

"ok, fine." She looked like she was trying not to look hurt. "you don't even have to talk to him," she muttered without looking at me.

I thought about what she was asking. Finally I was defeated. "I won't talk to him."

"you don't have to come if you don't-"

"I won't talk to him," I repeated more firmly.

She smiled at me, making my heart skip a beat.

"can I give you your present tonight?" she asked quietly.

"I thought we weren't doing presents?" I said sharply, panicking a moment.

She smiled. "It's not… an object…"

I realised what she meant. "Can't I unwrap it now?"

She laughed. "afraid not." She got up and left laughing to herself.

"that was definitely the best present I've ever unwrapped." I murmured when she awoke in my arms on Christmas morning.

"Merry Christmas Severus" she said kissing my lips and trailing her burning lips down my jaw and to my collar bone.

We stayed in bed all morning until she finally dragged me for a very pleasant shower. She made me change into my best robes whilst she changed and she came out of the bathroom looking absolutely beautiful. She was wearing a low cut golden dress, just above the knee, showing her slender long legs. I blinked when I saw her, it was almost too good to be true.

"you look…" I was speechless.

She laughed softly and took my arm. "come Professor, it's Christmas and we are to be waited on in London."

I laughed and we walked from the room together, stopping to pick up a small silver bag of hers. It knocked against a table and there was a loud crash from inside. "oops."

"oh, undetectable extension charm" she explained.

Her bag was a lot bigger on the inside. I walked into Grimauld Place for her only, and we were greeted with that awful festive buzz of chatter and laughter. I smelt food and mead and wine and there were stupid decorations everywhere. Athena led me through a crowd of Weasley children into the kitchen. I waited in the corner, pouring myself a drink whilst Athena chattered and hugged everyone and handed out presents.

"Sirius!" she exclaimed when Black walked in. I scowled as she hugged him tightly; it was just as I had hugged her yesterday. She handed him a present and I looked away, my hand tight on my wand in my pocket. I felt a hand on my arm and she had come back over to me. She seemed to notice my tenseness,

"will you relax!" she asked.

I said nothing but I took her hand and let her steer me from the room. We found Remus and I was happy to talk to him, and we sat by him and Tonks for dinner. Black was opposite Athena but that meant he was quite far away from me so I didn't mind.

He was wearing some ridiculous red and green waistcoat and I couldn't help commenting on it.

"did your mother make you that?" I sneered.

"no Snivellus, it was a present, people generally get them at Christmas if other people like them. How many present did you receive this year? Oops: not even one from your girlfriend."

"Actually I did get Severus a present but…I gave it to him last night," Athena said, smiling seductively at me. That shut Black up straight away.

Albus dropped by for an hour and greeted everyone, not seeming surprised at my being here.

"I knew you'd stay with her" he murmured in my ear.

I watched Black's movements through most of the night. He only dared come up to me after dinner when Athena was in the other room. He kept his hand in his pocket, as did I, both clutching our wands, desperate for a chance to duel.

"the only reason you're in my house Snivellus is because I have a new theory. The more she spends time with _you_ the quicker she'll see you for what you really are. Plus, she spends so much time with me too. Not just today, but other days, just the two of us…all alone…"

I stepped up to him, squaring my shoulder and said in a low malicious voice: "you really think so dog? Because this is my theory. You're jealous because although she may spend a lot of time with you in the _day_, she spends even more time with me at night."

He pushed his face right into mine. "getting the sympathy vote are you snivellus?" he sneered.

"oh I wouldn't call what we did last night sympathy Black."

"Oh don't you worry, she'll see sense soon enough, she'll leave you, you slimy-"

"gentlemen."

Came a voice in our ears, making us both flinch. It was Remus, he'd noticed us. "may I join you for a drink?" he said in a firm voice.

I took one last threatening look at Black and then stepped back from him.

"of course Remus, it is Christmas and I must admit I'm in an… entertaining mood." I said in a harsh voice. He stepped between Black and myself and poured us both a drink. Black took his in the other room.

"don't rise to him," Remus said, sipping his mead.

I said nothing but we were joined by Athena at that moment. "Remus that cauldron you got Sirius is absolutely shining, it must have been so expensive!"

He shrugged and said, "he's a good friend," but he smiled whilst he said it.

She laughed. "then where's mine?"

We left about an hour later and I even shook Remus' hand in a sort of Christmas greeting. Black smirked at me over her shoulder as she hugged him but I returned the gesture when I put my arm around her waist after… except I put my hand a little lower than her waist. He looked threateningly at me and I saw his hand move to his wand. My other hand mirrored his movement but Athena leant up and whispered something into my ear. It distracted me for a moment and then we walked out together. I gave a final smirk to Black and then we apparated from the doorstep together.

We spent Christmas night sitting on the sofa together in her room with the lights off, listening to music and talking and kissing, a lot.

I spent a limited amount of time with her during the Christmas break as I was busy with Albus and the order and she spent a lot of time at Remus' or at Grimauld Place. I usually only saw her after darkness had fallen. Sometimes we would walk around the grounds, conjuring flames and wrapping our arms around each other to warm ourselves. I tended to be in fowl moods a lot after having to spend hours locked in a room with potter, who is incapable of occlumency! He's not putting any effort in the arrogant lazy idiot! It's like he enjoys the connection between his and the dark lords mind- he loves the attention! And it's wasting my time! God I could so do with an excuse to get him out of my life!

I met Athena tonight in Hogsmeade. We went for a drink in the quieter pub, the hog's head, only to be stalked by Rita Skeeter the journalist. Athena sent her marching straight away, something that made me laugh. She warns me: "you don't wanna get on my bad side."

Potter! How- how could he? How dare he! He was in my office whilst I went to sort something out with Dolores and he had the nerve to look at the memories I had out in the pensieve. I'm… so angry. And scared- how much did he see? He's seen me be humiliated! God I hate him so much. I absolutely loath him more than anyone. The insolent boy! I've thrown him out of my office. He's not coming to me for occlumency ever again! I don't care if Dumbledore wants to sack me for it- I'm never letting him into my office, not ever.

I have paced around my room for almost an hour now. I think I am calmer. I do know what shall calm me down though and so I'm going to Athena's office.

I knocked on the door and waited impatiently. There was no answer but I was sure I could hear someone moving about so I knocked again louder this time. Finally the door was flung open and she was standing there slightly breathless with wet hair and wearing her pyjamas, that were so short and tight they momentarily robbed me of my anger. It returned quickly enough as she moved to let me in and I sat down on the sofa with her.

"what's wrong?" she said immediately.

How does she always know! I shook my head... did I really want to bother her with it?

"Harry? Occlumency?" she said, watching me with a slightly pitiful and yet knowing look.

I nodded.

"did you throw him out?"

I was startled for a moment and then I thought. She needs to know… of course she needs to know…

"what… do you know of my past?"

She thought for a moment. ""I… I know that it was a sad one… tainted by wrong choice and unrequited love. I know that you're still not over actions and people of your past, and with some I don't blame you at all…" She paused for a moment, looking away as if ashamed. Finally she said in a quiet voice, not watching my reaction:

"you still love her, don't you?"

The question shocked me. How could she know? How could she say it so calmly? Why was she with me if she already knew about Lily… sweet Lily. I owed her the truth. I wouldn't deny I loved Lily.

I nodded once, not wanting to upset her.

She seemed to nod understandingly and I was confused. "aren't you angry?"

"angry?" she said incredulously. "you think I've never been in love before?" the moment she said it she looked like she regretted it.

I was stunned for a moment… the thought had never really occurred to me about… people she had been with before me… other men she loved…

"I'm gonna go… eat" she said standing up, even though she was in her pyjamas. I grabbed her arm to stop her leaving.

"Is it the man in the photograph?"

She flinched a little and pressed her lips together. I noticed tears in her eyes. "don't." she said firmly and quietly and then she turned, grabbed her coat and left. I stared after her wondering where on earth she was going in her shorts with only a coat on top. It was freezing outside and gone midnight! I stood up feeling confused. I was worried about where she had gone and why she had gone. Did she love him that much? I walked over to her shelf and picked each of her photos up. At the back of one of her friends a small corner of white was sticking out. I took the glass from the front and found a crumpled and creased photo hidden behind it. I straightened it out. It was her, she looked gorgeous with laughter lighting up her face. Her arm was around the waist of a man, who in turn had his arm around her shoulder. He was tall with brown ruffled hair, stubble and bright blue eyes. He was wearing a bright jumper and laughter was spread across his face too. I swallowed the lump in my throat. She seemed so happy with this man, whoever he was. She didn't seem that happy with me… Where was he now? Dead? I wasn't sure but I knew she still loved him.

I thought about Lily. How did Athena known about her? About my love for her? My love for dear Lily… So if this man, in this photograph is her version of lily does that confirm his death? Will I die? I paused for a moment, thinking that last question through. She knew the future… she knew some of my future, but…Did she know of my death? It hurt to think about it… I have never been afraid of dying. Right now, at this moment. I'm afraid of losing Athena. I'm terrified of it. If she knows I die does that mean she's been with me, spending time with me knowing my end is drawing nearer? How could she not tell me! How could she look me in the eye everyday knowing that?

I put the photo back exactly as I had found it and left her room. Perhaps she was watching, waiting for me to leave before she returned. I had a good look around but I could not see her anywhere. I went to my office and looked from the window. It was pitch black. I scanned my eyes carefully and saw a tiny flicker of light. It seemed to be the tip of a wand. It floated about by the lake. There was a sudden swish and a slightly larger light burnt: someone had conjured flames to keep themselves warm. It was her., I was certain. I watched as she conjured more flames, setting them to hover in the air around her. She then lay back against the grass and didn't move. I knew I should go down there and comfort her, making sure she didn't get ill from the cold, but I couldn't go just now. I had upset her: I was certain I was the last person she would want to see right now. I couldn't tell if I was upset with her or not. Did she know about my future? If she did surely it was her right to tell me?

I tore my eyes away from her still figure and walked into my bedroom. I lay on the bed and slept without bothering to change.

I lay in bed for over an hour the next morning, just staring at the ceiling and thinking. It seemed my anger at Potter was the least of my problems right now. I forced myself to get up and I went to find Athena. I wasn't going to mention anything about the man or last night, I just needed to ask her a question.

I knocked on the door and it opened by itself. I walked in to find her sitting on the sofa with a book. She smiled a little when I entered. I shut the door quietly without saying anything and I leant against the shelf opposite her. She shut her book and looked at me expectantly.

"good night?" I asked, already knowing that if she'd slept out all night she couldn't have.

"Was alright… you?"

I shrugged.

"listen… I'm sorry if I upset you last night…"

She shook her head. "you didn't upset me. I'm sorry I walked out on you like that."

"weren't you cold? Where did you go?"

"just in the grounds, I wasn't cold."

"did you stay out all night?"

She nodded.

"Athena you could have caught your death, are you ok?" I knelt down in front of her and pressed a hand to her forehead. She was boiling.

"I'm fine, Severus," she said after my exclamation.

"you've caught a fever."

"Severus I am fine, stop fussing or I'll throw you out." She said it sternly but she smiled. I relaxed; glad she didn't seem to be angry with me anymore.

I smiled back at her and brushed a piece of hair from her face. She leant in and kissed me lightly, sending electric thrills to my stomach.

I sighed and sat next to her, remembering why I was there. "can I ask you a question?"

She looked at me enquiringly.

"it's a serious one. Will you answer it truthfully? You promise?"

"I'll either answer it truthfully or not at all, is that fair?"

I nodded, it seemed reasonable enough. I took a deep breath before posing the question that had been on my mind all night. "do I die?"

She looked shocked. "what-"

"In the short term, have you seen it? A vision of me dying?"

I watched her face closely. She seemed to be going through an array of different emotions, trying to hide each one from me. Confusion, panic, fear, determination, acceptance?

The fear scared me the most.

"no Severus, you don't." she said it with confidence and I nodded at her. I got up and poured myself a glass of pumpkin juice. Did I believe her? I shook my head, of course I did, I couldn't stop trusting her. We talked for a while but my thoughts were elsewhere and I left, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

She'd said she'd come and see me tonight at my office, and so I had until then to think things over.


	37. Truth and Lies

I have made my decision. I am pacing around her office with my wand clutched tightly in my hand, waiting for her. Any moment now… I can sense it. I just don't believe her and this is the only way I can be sure. I can't live with this doubt in my mind.

The door opened and Athena came in, setting her bag down behind the door. She stopped and frowned. I knew this was the only way I could catch her off her guard.

"you ok?" she said curiously.

"I'm sorry" I said, meaning every word. In a flash I swung my wand around, she didn't have time to react, or replace that barrier that she only lowered for me.

"legilimens!" I cried.

The force of the spell knocked her off her feet and back into a wooden chair. Images flashed through my head as I went through hers. I saw her as a laughing child, kissing a boy, punching him, laughing with friends, out with what I assumed were her parents, kissing the man- the one in the photo. That alone sent shocks through my body. It flickered to some open country, and she seemed to be saying good bye to him- they were both crying and he was holding her to him. I saw her first day here, dancing with Remus, I remembered how angry I was. Suddenly she was kissing me, our first kiss in this very office. Escaping with Black, punching Black,, Black falling through some sort of veil, being pulled away by kingsley as she sobbed, another night with me, an amazing night, flying a broom, talking to Albus, I saw a flash of another man's face, and then I was deeper into the future, I saw fighting, a flash of the dark lord, and finally, and finally the image I had been looking for… me…lying in a pool of blood on a cracked wooden floor, unmoving and still.

I couldn't breathe; I was angry, not scared, and absolutely furious. She had lied to me about my death! My death was coming, soon too… I pulled my wand away and my eyes found her panting in the chair. I looked at her like she was something horrific. I felt so betrayed.

She looked at me as though she didn't know who I was. There was such fear and hatred burning through her eyes I was actually scared- I never imagined she could look at me like that.

"what did you jus do to me?" she whispered, her voice shaking.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO TO ME!" she screamed, pulling her wand out and marching closer to me.

"I DIE! YOU LIED TO ME ATHENA! THAT'S MY LIFE AND YOU WON'T TELL ME THE TRUTH!"

"THE TRUTH! THE FUCKING TRUTH IS WHAT I TOLD YOU SEVERUS! I THOUGHT YOU TRUSTED ME!"

"WELL YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY LYING YOU-"

"LYING? YOU THINK I WOULD LIE TO YOU ABOUT SOMEHTING AS SERIOUS AS YOUR OWN FUCKING DEATH! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? SICK!"

"I HAVE SEEN IT WITH MY OWN EYES! LIAR!"

She threw her wand across the room at me, it clattered on the cold floor and she looked crazy and wild.

"DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME A LIAR! I TRUSTED YOU SEVERUS! I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH!"

I rushed close to her face, disgusted by her lying, I felt out of control. "THE TRUTH?" I grabbed her arm as if I could somehow take the truth from her, but the moment I touched her she slapped my face. There was a second of silence whilst I was shocked by the stinging of my cheek.

"don't touch me," she said cruelly.

She turned to leave.

"RUNNING AWAY FORM THE TRUTH?" I shouted after her.

"the truth?" she said, laughing humourlessly. "you know nothing of it, you who lives his life in secrets and lies, I trusted you Severus Snape, I would have trusted you with my life. I told you the truth, you saw different, yes, but you're going to take that over my word? I don't know what I ever saw in you."

She turned and left, slamming the door behind her so hard the glass vials on the surrounding shelves tumbled to the floor, smashing on impact. I grabbed the rest of them ad smashed them on the floor too. I punched the door and sent a curse at the sofa, casting a burnt hole in the middle. Those last words were the ones that hurt the most. I sent another curse at a mirror as I saw my wild, pale, and angry reflection. The glass smashed into glittering shards, spreading dangerously across the floor. She had lied to me, the woman I loved had lied to me, betrayed me, and in order to find out the truth I had betrayed her too. "I don't know what I ever saw in you" were her last words. I can hear them echoing in my head as I write, haunting me.

It's like razors cutting into my heart, into my mind. I picked up her wand, not even wanting to touch it but knowing I couldn't leave it there. It was still warm. I shoved it inside my robes. I swallowed my emotions for a moment and concentrated on sweeping my wand across the room. The mirror repaired itself, as did the vials although the liquid did not return inside them. There was a squeaking sound as the leather from the sofa re sealed itself. I was so angry at her, keeping it from me- lying about it. And I saw that man! What was I then? A bit on the side? Her man whilst she was away? I scowled, glancing around at the room I would never be invited to again I left and went to my own office, punching the door again and then pouring myself a large glass of Firewhiskey.

I was probably on my third when there was a knock at the door. I wondered if it was her and I wrenched it open angrily. It was Remus and it annoyed me.

"yes?"

"It is against her wishes I am telling you this and I want to assure you first of all she is completely fine, but I've just seen Athena jump from her broom, a hundred feet into the ice cold lake."

This made me start. I jumped up, I wasn't sure if it was concern, panic or anger but I needed to be sure she was ok. He waved me sit back down and quickly assured me she was absolutely fine.

"she… told me something had happened between the two of you… something serious… She has assured me it was just something reckless, apparently muggles do it from cliffs into the ocean, but either way it was something dangerous and stupid… She could have been seriously hurt if not killed. She… she didn't seem to be quick to get back on her broom…"

"what happened? How did she get out?"

"I pulled her out, I was passing and saw her… jump."

I shook Remus' hand. "thank you for being there for her… I… it's good to know she has someone who will look out for her. Let's hope she isn't lying to you too" I added bitterly.

Remus ignored my last comment and left.

How could she think about doing that! Was she trying to kill herself? Over me? Or over us? I shook my head, I knew her, she was not the suicidal type... or… at least I thought I knew her… God how could she do this to me! To our relationship- I'm just so angry and also concerned for her… God I didn't know she would take it this badly… although I glance around my living room and almost everything in it has been kicked and smashed and cursed. There are pages of books scattered everywhere and shards of glass by the doorframe. I have a lesson tomorrow, it's just the one but I want to cancel it so badly; I just hate this so much!

I want her… I want to feel her small hand in mine, I want to stroke her face and kiss her soft lips and talk to her about Rita Skeeter and Albus… I'm back to the same old isolated self… without anyone… I twirled her wand around in between my fingers. Would she come and get it? I didn't think so.

* * *

**A/N: Oh Severus, will you ever learn? reviews are appreciated more than you can imagine! **


	38. How Can I Ever Forget?

I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling for about three hours tonight before I finally made myself a quick sleeping potion. I had a headache when I woke up the next morning. It was thunderous. I took a potion for it but it didn't seem to have any affect at all. I showered, running warm water over my forehead but it wouldn't shift. I ate breakfast in my room, not really wanting to see anyone or be sociable or anything.

When my first years arrived I shut all the blinds with a wave of my wand, casting the room into darkness. I lit a few candles so we could see what we were doing but I didn't want them to see how bad I looked today. Within seven minutes I had made one girl cry and put three in detention. I finished the class after twenty, much to their delight. I left my room, not wanting to stay there and I wandered the grounds for a few hours, trying to clear my head.

When I returned to my office there was a small sealed bottle sitting on my desk. I pointed my wand at the cork and it flew off. The bottle was full of swirling silver liquid. I drew it out with my wand and the silver liquid hung from it. I hurried over to the pensieve I had borrowed from Albus and dropped it in. I knew this was from Athena, so I took a deep breath and lowered my face to it.

I was in a cold wooden room and it took me a moment to realise I was not alone. I flinched as I saw myself lying on the floor, there was blood streaming from my body and from deep gashes on my neck. I panicked but then I heard another shuffle from behind me. I spun around and Athena and Potter were rushing over quietly.

"Babey I've got you, look it's me… it's Athena…" she whispered this urgently whilst pouring a liquid on my neck, causing the wound to smoke. The figure of me on the floor stirred and open it's eyes.

"Athena…" it sighed, and I saw the hands try to move toward her. The wound was knitting itself back together ad she was busy tracing her wand over my body, healing me. All the while she spoke in a quiet urgent voice,

"my love I'm here, don't you worry, look, we're together again, it's been so long, but I'm here… just like I promised remember?"

The figure of me sat up slowly. I put my wand to my head and drew a strand of memory from it. Potter held out a bottle and I lowered it into it slowly.

"I'm gonna get you away from here" she whispered to me.

She turned to Potter. "good luck Harry, my heart is with you tonight."

She took my arm and apparated. A slow fog seemed to descend on me and suddenly I was standing back in my office. I panted heavily, trying to catch the breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding. I… survive? I was stunned. She had been telling me the truth, I had done all this and she was still telling the truth? How could this be? It seemed my death was inevitable, I was a spy! Was I really so lucky? And the way I had treated Athena over the past day, the way I had completely invaded her privacy, her mind, everything that defined her I had just broken into for my own selfish contentment. I didn't know what to say…

But something else crossed my mind- this vision was slightly hazy, there were some parts in which everything seemed foggy and echoed. Was she really telling the truth? I could have probably made up a memory of that quality, if I wanted it so much. I needed to be sure.

I grabbed the bottle and lowered the memory back into it and then I turned and left. I knocked on her office door smartly and waited. She opened the door slowly. She looked terrible. She was wearing a tracksuit and her hair was loose. Her eyes were red and there were lines underneath them. She gave me a careless look, but she still looked unhappy and hurt. I needed to know the truth:

"how do I know this is real?" I said holding it up.

She stared at me for a split second and then hate and anger spread across her face. "fuck you," she said viciously and then she slammed the door in my face. I heard a small thud and then a sliding noise, as though she had leant against the door and then slid down it to the floor. I sighed and leant against the door too, shutting my eyes.

"how do I prove to you that I am telling the truth?" I heard her say angrily.

"I _want_ to believe you" I said truthfully.

"then why won't you severus?"

"it seems… impossible."

"so you put yourself up for this job as a death sentence? you want to die?"

"I didn't think I'd find myself anything worth living for."

"stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself."

"I've seen you yourself! hypocrite! walloping in self pity, the sadness you try to hide it but I always see it behind your eyes!" I cursed. It was true, I had often seen it, often hoped I could try and take away the pain from her…

"I try Severus! I try! I have left a lot behind and been hurt a lot along the way, but I am here and I trusted you! I gave myself to you Severus and you threw it back in my face!"

"you've thrown it back in mine too!"

At this she jumped up and flung open the door.

"what's that supposed to mean?" she growled.

"I've seen it inside your head! You've not been loyal to me! you've kept secrets; you promised you'd told me everything!"

"I've no idea what you're talking about."

I drew my wand sharply and flashed it through the air. Puffs of smoke emerged, and inside the smoke faces flashed" Remus; Black and finally the one in the photograph.

"Remus and I are friends! I cleared that up with him straight away! You know about Sirius kissing me!"

"and him?" I said, flashing the photo graph image again.

"was a long time ago" she said softly, turning away and sitting down.

"yet you won't talk about it?' I said, frustrated.

"I don't want to."

"you don't trust me either then" I said bitterly.

"Trust! Trust? You think I'm not telling you because I don't fucking trust you Severus! No! It's because it's too damn hard Severus! You can't even put the fucking pieces together can you? You're so damn ignorant you just think I'm having a fucking affair! That's- that's Jacob…" she wiped desperately at the tears falling fast down her cheeks. "that's the man I love, that's the man who goddam killed himself!"

I froze at her response. I knew how it felt to talk about someone you had loved and lost, and yet she obviously still felt so… guilty? I was furious at myself for not realising, for almost forgetting what had happened.

"I'm…" for once I was lost for words.

"don't pity me" she spat, wrenching away the hand I had tried to take. "you forgot didn't you? You thought maybe I had forgotten? I KILELD HIM SEVERUS! I fucking killed him."

"look at me?' I asked quietly, kneeling before her shaking figure so that I was eye level with her.

She obeyed me and I saw such pain and anguish in her eyes that it almost hurt me to see.

"I can see your soul" I said in a soft voice I had not much practice with. "I can see your soul and it is as whole as it was the day you were born. You killed no one. Circumstances and other people's actions are not your fault, my love. You have to move on."

Her lips pressed together and she nodded. "I'm trying" she whispered finally. "I'm trying."

I went to take her hand again but she shook her head and pulled it away and I suddenly remembered why we were arguing in the first place.

I sighed. "I believe you" I sighed, watching her face closely.

"It's too late for that Severus. You just don't get it do you? I came home from an ordinary day and you just- you just-." She raised her hands in exasperation. "How can I ever trust you again when you did that to me? Score one, you didn't believe me, score two, instead of talking to me about it you decided to break into my mind, score three, you have the nerve to question me about the people and things you saw, score four, when I showed you the memory you still didn't believe me! I just- I don't know what to do anymore! "

"but…" I began quietly. "I know you still love me…"

She glared at me. "I'm sure I'll cope without you."

"Athena it's been two days and you've put a dozen people in detention, sent Draco out, screamed your head off at your class and tried to drown yourself in the lake."

"I wasn't trying to fucking drown myself!"

"Lupin told me different. He came to find me after he pulled you out and told me the story. He made me swear not to come and find you."

"yeah well I wish you'd listen to his advice. And will you give me my wand back please?"

"I'd rather not give it you back until you've calmed down-"

"Calmed down? How the fuck can I calm down Severus when you come in here and accuse me of things and steal my thoughts and then have the nerve to question them and show me things I don't want to talk about!"

"I wish you'd stop swearing."

"what you gonna do about it? Use legilimency on me?" she said in bitter sarcasm.

I shut my eyes. She was right to say these things to me. ""Athena, please just bear with me, ok?"

She said nothing.

"I have two questions, you have two questions, we both promise to answer them truthfully and fully, and then we'll see where we are ok?" it was my only chance.

She nodded.

"Before what happened… did you see us with a future together?"

"yes." She murmured, looking at the floor.

"and do you still see us having a future together?" it was my only hope.

"… I want to Severus I really do…" My heart leapt.

"ok, your turn."

She looked up into my eyes and whispered; "I just have the one… do you wish I was lily?"

I was shocked at her question and shocked at my reaction to just her name… I swallowed my emotions as I tried to put them into words. I concentrated on my interlocked fingers.

"no. I wish she was still alive, that I'd been able to save her and that I'd never made a mistake when I was young. But I do not wish you were her." I shifted closer to her, kneeling on the floor. "Athena, you are so different from each other, you are not a replacement you're something completely different and I've fallen in love with you." I spoke from my heart, knowing that it was the only chance of her believing me.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she reached her arms out blindly towards me. I moved quickly to the edge of the sofa and wrapped her arms around my neck. I pulled her to me, so glad I was able to hold her again. I pulled her close, my hands trailed through her soft hair, my fingers trailed her jaw and finally her lips.

"I'm so sorry," I murmured. "I promise nothing like it will ever happen again."

She buried her head in my shoulder and I hugged her tightly. I knew she was crying in my shirt and I shushed her and calmed her down as best I could. I was so happy she had forgiven me. I knew just how lucky I was to have her. I had made such a terrible mistake.

"I love you" I whispered, kissing her neck. She lifted her head slightly, she had stopped crying. "I love you" I repeated.

She kissed my lips softly and then she wrapped her arms around me. We stayed on the sofa, our arms wrapped around each other all night. The only time she moved was when her head tilted slightly as she fell asleep. My hand went numb after about two hours, but I didn't move. I didn't care about the pain it would cause me later when I did eventually move, I just wanted to stay still and watch her as she slept in my arms again.

* * *

I cursed myself for not moving when three hours later I was in complete agony. Why hadn't wizards an antidote to cramp! Athena pressed these heat strips she had on my shoulder to stimulate the muscle as I gritted my teeth together and sunk my head into the back of the sofa.

"Severus you should have just moved your arm" she said softly, stroking my cheek with the back of her hand. I shut my eyes, her touch seemed to sooth the pain slightly.

"I would have woken you up."

"so?"

I half smiled and she sighed, pressing her fingers into my shoulder firmly. I groaned slightly but then the pain began to release. She kept pressing and relinquishing her fingers and soon my muscles had relaxed again. She put the warm gel she'd used in the fridge and poured me a glass of water. I drank it quickly and it cooled me down. "thank you."

"don't worry about it."

I had to leave shortly after as I had a meeting with Albus, but she made me promise I'd come around that night. I shall go as soon as darkness falls, having thought I had lost her forever I now seem to have realised just how lucky I am.

When I went later she cooked us both a noodle dish, and I say truthfully it was very good. We didn't really talk after dinner; I led her into the bedroom and shut the door.

* * *

**A/N: ah, and all is resolved again :D **


	39. Black and White

I was called to Umbridge's office this morning. She had decided to try and question Potter and his friends about something.

"He's got Padfoot!" Potter shouted at me from the doorway. "he's got Padfoot at the place where it's hidden!"

Obviously I pretended in front of Umbridge I had no idea what he was talking about but as soon as I turned the corner I walked as fast as I could. He'd had a vision – the idiot! I told him to practise occlumency! I knew this would happen! He's had a vision of Black at the ministry, being held captive by the dark lord. I have to find Dumbledore before he does anything stupid.

I sprinted quickly down the stairs and ran straight into Athena. "Potter's had a vision, I need to find Dumbledore." I explained to her quickly.

I expected an urgent response, for her to sprint off looking for Albus but instead her eyes widened and she swayed on the spot, looking as though she were ill.

"Athena?" I said to her, but her vacant eyes made no indication she'd heard me. "Athena, what's wrong?" I looked around confused and suddenly I saw Albus walking over from behind her. He placed one hand on her shoulder and made her jump.

"are you quite alright?" he murmured in her ear.

She nodded slowly and I hurried on, needing to explain to Albus. "Headmaster, Potter has just told me 'He's got Padfoot at the place where it's hidden' I believe he's had a vision of The Dark Lord and Black in the Ministry."

Albus looked fearful for a moment and then he turned and hurried towards his office. I grabbed Athena's hand and we hurried along behind him. We arrived at his office in less than a minute and he ran over to one of his portraits that had a portal to a painting in the ministry. He spoke to the figure quickly and urgently and the small man turned and vanished from his frame.

"I fear you are right Severus" he said eventually, turning to me and Athena. "I shall alert the order members immediately. You, of course shall stay here, try and find Potter before he acts."

I wasn't happy about having to stay behind but I knew I had no choice.

"Albus is right" Athena said quickly, taking her wand from her pocket. "stay here for now, Sirius-"

"you're not risking your life for that-"

"don't" she warned. "meet me at Grimauld place after."

She turned on the spot and stepped out of the door, I heard her footsteps on the stairs and then silence: she had gone. I raised my hands in frustration and turned to Albus.

"what if she gets hurt! How can she-"

"Severus, there is nothing you can do, she has gone… she knows something we don't" he added frowning.

"I know," I muttered. I wasn't annoyed, I knew her position and I understood she couldn't reveal anything… She seemed upset before, horrified… I hoped she was alright.

Albus made a sudden movement and it jerked me from my trance.

"good luck Albus" I muttered and ran from the room. I needed to find Potter. Umbridge's office was the first place I looked, but when I arrived it was empty. A chair was overturned and the desk was on fire, a leg had been broken and Umbridge's pink ink and stationary was scattered across the floor. I vanished the flames and hurried away, cursing.

I checked the hall, the common rooms and scanned the grounds from the windows. I must have spent about forty minutes rushing around the castle before I could confirm my first assumptions: he had gone to London, and his friends had followed him no doubt. I waited impatiently in Albus' office, in case he returned for about twenty minutes and then gave up waiting and hurried from the grounds, apparating to Grimauld place as soon as I could. I opened the door, wondering if anyone would be back. I walked quietly through the dark hall and paused at the doorway to the kitchen.

Athena was standing there with her back to me, a wave of relief settled over me that she was ok, but then I realised she was crying. She poured herself a glass of rum and downed it in one, shaking her head to rid the pain as it hit her throat. She slammed her glass down on the counter and began to pour herself another. I heard a sob that she tried to stifle and I wanted to comfort her. Just as I was about to move she turned to sit down and then froze as she saw me. My eyes glanced over her eyes that tears streamed from, there were cuts and scratches all over her arms, face and neck and her hands were shaking.

"who was it?' I asked quietly.

"Sirius" she choked, more tears falling fast.

I didn't know how to react; she knew as well as I just how much I hated him. Justice had finally been granted and yet... if his death caused her this much pain I wished he was still alive. She looked broken and defeated.

I walked slowly over and wrapped my arms around her. She buried her head in my chest and cried her eyes out. I looked up over the top of her head at the wall. I felt so sad for her, but I didn't really know what to say… sorry? That wouldn't be true and I know she wouldn't want me to say it. I was sorry that she was in pain, but I was not sorry he was dead. A few minutes later there was a tap at the front door. I gently relinquished her grasp on my cloak and turned to get the door.

It was Remus. I nodded to him and he said nothing as I led him into the kitchen. He looked absolutely terrible and there was a deep gash on his cheek. He walked straight over and hugged Athena tightly when he saw her. I was glad he was here; he cared for Black as she did.

"how're you doing?" she asked him hoarsely. He shrugged and poured himself a drink. I walked over by Athena again and she lifted my arm around her and moved closer to my side.

Remus left quickly and I pulled Athena into the other room, prising her fingers from the bottle of alcohol. We sat on the sofa and I wrapped my arms around her again, wanting to reassure her I was here with her and that she was safe. She couldn't stop crying for over an hour, silent tears though, tears I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't sitting right beside her. I think she knew that my feelings towards Black had not changed, even in death, and so we didn't talk about him or anything else that night. We just sat there in his house, on his sofa until Athena finally fell asleep. Then I lifted her slowly and turned on the spot, apparating to Hogwarts.

I carried her into the castle and to her office, opening the door with a heavy barge from my shoulder. I set her down on the sofa, put a blanket over her and left. I went to Albus' office, knowing he would be awake and most probably waiting for me. His voice beckoned for me to enter before I had even knocked and as I walked in and sat opposite him across the desk, a sort of grim look appeared on my face.

"I must applaud you Severus, you have surprising strength… I watched you through the window."

"she's devastated. She'd drunk half of Black's liquor collection before I found her, and then when I did she finished off the other half."

"I imagine she believes it will ease the pain, just slightly."

"she's right I suppose, she wouldn't have got to sleep without drinking that much first…"

I paused. "I- I don't know what to do for her Albus… I am not sorry he is dead."

"but you are sorry for something?"

"I am sorry she is suffering."

"exactly" he said satisfactorily sitting back into his seat and clasping his hands. "act then, only on your true feelings."

I sighed, it seemed a good enough idea. "the dark lord?' I said, changing the subject.

"he will never try to posses Harry again, I am certain of that, it was simply too painful for him."

"the minister saw him?"

"yes there is no way he can avoid the evidence now. Voldemort shall be on the front page tomorrow, I believe Fudge will be sacked within a few months, unless he is sensible and steps down of course."

"I highly doubt that."

"as do I Severus." He said heavily.

"We shall have to evacuate Grimauld Place temporarily. I want to call an order meeting there tomorrow though, will you send a few owls?"

"certainly."

"then let us not waste any time."

I stood up at the closure in his voice, bade him goodnight and left for the owlery. I conjured some parchment and pulled a pen from my cloak and scribbled out a few quick notes.

_Albus has asked me to organise an order meeting at headquarters tomorrow at noon. _

_He urges you to attend as important matters must be discussed before we temporarily evacuate headquarters._

_Severus._

I sent off seven letters, using the school owls, watching them until they were specks in the distance, and then I hurried back down into the castle towards the grief-ridden love of my life.

* * *

**A/N: apologies! i'm going on holiday on saturday for a week and i'm not sure if i'm going to be able to update and what the internet's like. HOWEVER check out my other story With My Life if you get bored, it's another in-progress SS/OC. Thanks for reading so far! Reviews make my day!**


	40. The Aftermath new version

I left Athena for the night, knowing she would probably still be asleep. Instead I went straight to my office and to bed. I set an alarm to wake me early the next morning and got ready quickly for the meeting. I went to Athena's office and knocked but there was no answer. I imagine she had already gone but I opened the door with a tap of my wand just to check. She was sitting on the sofa with her head in her hands. She jumped and attempted a smile when I stepped into the room.

"severus."

I held up a hand to silence her and pressed a hand to her forehead.

"Severus I'm fine" she insisted. She appeared to be telling the truth, her temperature was normal.

"did you sleep well?" I asked, crouching down in front of her.

"you brought me here last night didn't you?" she said, ignoring my question.

I nodded.

"severus, you shouldn't have gone to the… thank you." She finished softly.

I nodded again.

"how are you feeling?" I asked, realising what a stupid question it was as soon as I'd said it.

"fine" she said quietly. "banging head though, I didn't think I'd drunk that much…"

I smiled slightly, "I can fix your head if you like?"

"really?"

I took out my wand and traced it gently from temple to temple, murmuring the incantation. She smiled softly and nodded. "it's gone… thank you severus, you'll definitely have to show me that one."

I smiled and sat down next to her.

"will you do me a favour? Just for thirty seconds?"

She nodded, "sure."

"… will you stop putting on a brave face, and just right now tell me how you really, truly feel?"

She shut her eyes briefly and then looked at her hands. "I feel like a piece of me has been ripped out… I feel like he's been so unfairly snatched away… I feel like I'm not going to be happy, because the only way I could be would be to forget about him, and if I did that I would hate myself forever. And… I feel like it's partly my fault and I don't know what to do with myself… I spend so much time at Grimauld place with him… and now I have no idea what to do with that time" she finished biting her lip.

I took her hands in mine. "Athena… people die, in the most tragic of circumstances and the worst of ways but they die… there is nothing you can do about it, nor I, nor anyone. Sirius would want you to be happy, you know he would. He wouldn't want to see you like this…" I hated myself for saying these words because I knew they were true, and I knew they were the only words that would make Athena happy again. "and as for the fact that it is your fault…" I shook my head. "you couldn't have stopped it Athena, you know that…"

"Severus… I saw it happen… that is why I panicked yesterday, it flashed a reaction in my mind and I realised I had seen this before. I'm sorry I rushed off, but I knew it was going to happen. I fought and I turned around and I saw it, just as I had in my mind and against all my senses and all my conscious mind I…I tried to intervene… I was too late…"

"Athena, you said it yourself, it was going to happen... you know you can't intervene…"

"I know Severus…"

"Sirius would want you to be happy."

She nodded.

"you've always got me, you know that, whether it's day or night, I'm always here."

She smiled slightly and wrapped her arms around my waist. "I know." She murmured.

I kissed the top of her head. "Albus is calling a meeting for the order in an hour."

"oh… where is he holding it?" she asked, though I think she already knew the answer.

"Grimauld place" I replied.

"you know, I have a ton of marking-"

"Athena you can't run away…"

She sighed. "… you'll come with me?"

"I won't leave your side," I promised her.

"right then, let me sort myself out and get changed and stuff,."

I nodded. "shall I wait for you by the entrance hall?"

"sure."

I kissed her lightly and left.

I checked my watch at the door, wondering if she'd changed her mind and wasn't coming. I was just about to go down and check on her when I saw her emerge from the stairs. She was wearing black robes with black converse trainers, a silver pendant hanging around her neck. She attempted a smile when she approached me and I took her hand, leading her out into the grounds. We apparated as soon as we were past the gates but she paused outside the door at Grimauld place.

"you have to do this sometime" I whispered in her ear.

She nodded and pushed open the door. She tightened her grip on my hand and I led her through the hallway and into the kitchen.

The entire order were gathered there around the table and leaning against the counters. The chatted died slightly as we entered and the eyes seemed to flicker towards us, trying to see our reaction. A lot of people were in black, just as Athena was. Remus came over and greeted us and we stood at the back with him. Albus began a short speech on Black's death. Athena's grasp tightened again and she had taken Remus' hand on her other side. He seemed glad of it to be honest; Black was his best friend after all.

"To Sirius," Albus said, raising his glass. Everyone echoed his words, except for me. I glanced down at Athena, her lips were pressed tightly together and she was staring at the floor like if she concentrated on it long enough she wouldn't cry. I squeezed her hand and she lifted her head, squeezing it back.

Albus went through the meeting as usual. I left Athena only to speak to everyone about the dark lord's plans.

"he has been heavily recruiting; we now believe he has converted the majority of the southward giants, meaning if we don't get to the rest of them soon, they will be killed. I understand Albus has sent Hagrid and Madam Maxime of Beauxbatons on that case."

Albus nodded.

"Now he is out in the open he will be more dangerous than ever…" As I spoke to everyone my eyed met with Athena's and she gave me a look that told me what she thought of me. It was an amazing look, a burning passion of love and bravery.

When I had finished and I went to rejoin her at the back I kissed her fiercely, not caring who noticed or what people thought. She didn't even seem surprised by my actions; she just clung to me and kissed me back until we were breathless. I was glad almost everyone was watching Remus who was now talking at the other end of the room and even if anyone had noticed, they'd had the good will to turn away. "I love you" she said in my ear as I hugged her.

"I love you too" I said quietly. I put my arm around her and we stood together at the back. A few people turned and glanced at us, turning quickly away when they saw I noticed them. People again seemed shocked at my behaviour, like they didn't expect it from me, even after they had found out about me and Athena… To be honest I was surprised at myself. A few years ago I would not have dreamt, not even thought about doing what I had just done. My life had changed drastically, partly for the worse, but mostly for the better.

At this point Albus asked Athena to come and speak to everyone. She moved to the front and watched me as she talked.

"So I believe the dark lord will begin by causing panic in the community. He'll abduct people, they'll go missing mysteriously, everyone with sense will know it's him but he'll want a cover. I estimate he'd have infiltrated the ministry by this time next year." At this point everyone seemed shocked. "He won't apply for minister himself… he's too clever for that… he'll use one of his right hand men, by not revealing himself he creates panic and confusion. People will whisper, but that's just it, they'll whisper! Everyone will be too scared to voice their opinions aloud for fear of who to trust. People will be betrayed, there will be spies everywhere there's nothing we can do about it! If he threatened to kill _your _family, would you do what he wanted?" Everyone looked away from her, as if embarrassed at the answers inside their heads. She shrugged and continued. "If he revealed himself directly, people would rebel openly… he's overcome the problem by remaining unseen… We need to get the people first and quickly. Target people inside the ministry, they don't even have to be head of departments or major important, we just need to get them on our side. Don't even bother with the daily prophet editor… that's under the power of the ministry and will soon be completely corrupted. Look towards smaller magazines, with smaller issues that the dark lord wouldn't begin to consider. He sees himself as all powerful, an immortal human but he overlooks those whom he thinks are 'beneath him', he forgets the magical creatures and the centaurs and the house elves. Make sure we don't forget them." She paused and swallowed and then said with a shaky voice, "and make sure we don't forget Sirius." She stepped down from the chair and pushed her way back through the crowd to stand by me.

Alastor Moody walked over and slapped her on the shoulder. "well done" he growled.

"how are you Alastor?"

He nodded, "fine, fine, constant vigilance you know, constant vigilance!"

She nodded and at this point I went and left them to talk. Albus beckoned me over. "I see you have taken my advice…" He said, winking.

I raised my eyebrows.

He chuckled. "ah young love…"

"Albus you are being quite ridiculous."

He laughed again, "I am proud of you Severus" he said his eyes twinkling.

I raised my eyebrows again and turned away to get a drink. We took a break for lunch about an hour later and molly cooked. I didn't usually eat in the house and it was a good excuse to leave. I asked Athena if she wanted to join me for some fresh air, I didn't want the claustrophobia of the house to overwhelm her. She nodded and grabbed her coat. We hurried down the steps outside and she breathed in the fresh air as though she had been holding her breath the whole time she had been inside. I took her hand and we walked down the London streets together. For anyone who bothered to look at us properly we probably looked strangely dressed as we were both in robes, but Athena had assured me that this was London: abnormal was normal here.

"how are you… coping?" I asked, thinking it was the right thing to ask in this sort of situation.

She shrugged. "It's strange being in his house without him being there… it's like, I've spent so much time there over the past year… now I have no reason to go..." She swallowed and blinked away tears before I noticed them. "I imagine I'll get over it in a few days… I'll never forget him but I need to move on for my own sake."

I nodded but stayed silent.

"severus?"

"yes."

She paused for a moment and then said firmly, as if she was coaxing her voice to be strong; "thanks for looking after me today."

I gave her hand a squeeze in mine and we continued down the road silently. We ate in a small muggle café down a side street and then wandered back towards Grimauld place an hour later. The meeting had just begun as we walked in and hurried to the back of the kitchen. Athena retook my hand and we listened to the projections and speculative approximations of order members and their pessimistic visions of the future. I was called up again to talk with Albus and Kingsley once throughout the remaining two hours and then Albus called the meeting to a close. Athena said goodbye to everyone and I nodded to a few in farewell. We had been asked to dine with Remus a fortnight Saturday and we accepted him graciously.

* * *

**A/N: I'M SORRY! i have just realised i posted THE SAME DAMN CHAPTER TWICE! AND I'M SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING FOR ABOUT A DECADE! here- HAVE TWO CHAPTERS AT ONCE! **


	41. Dumbledore

I have had to go away for a few days considering the dark lord but I shan't talk of it, I like to keep that world and this separate if I can.

It is just past midnight but I want to finish this book desperately. It's about the rise of magic in the early centuries and is really quite interesting, despite the obviously biased view point from the 'magic is might' novelist.

I was just beginning the final chapter when there was a knock at the door. I frowned and glanced at my watch. It was almost one am. I shut my book and walked to it cautiously, opening it only ajar before realising it was Athena. She smiled apologetically, "may I come in?'

"of course."

I had not seen her for four days and I confess I missed her. I stepped aside and she walked past me, leaving her scent in the air. It wasn't perfume or any of that stuff female's wear; it was just her smell, her sweet refreshing smell that made me loose my train of thought, made me shut my eyes momentarily, made me-

"Albus has gone away again tonight" she said quietly, sitting down. I sat next to her and frowned,

"is that significant?"

She nodded, "we should watch for his return, he's going to need you."

I frowned but I knew I couldn't really question her. I went and stood by the window, squinting out into the dark rain. "how long?"

"anytime now I think…" she grimaced and then took a deep breath and shut her eyes. I knew she was going back into the past, to see what she had seen. I watched her carefully. Her expression remained calm despite the odd wincing, but that wasn't what I was worried about: she was holding her breath. I was just about to shake her and make her breathe but her eyes flickered open and she gasped in air.

"two minutes" she said panted quickly.

"what's wrong? What' happening?" I asked urgently, throwing on my coat.

"he's going to need your help; he's arrived injured, cursed. Take him straight to his office and do your best. And then… he'll want to talk to you…"

"about?' I asked uneasily but at that exact moment there was a flash of light through the window.

We both ran to it and saw a slumped figure trying to make its way up the castle steps. I panicked for a split second, he looked badly injured. I felt Athena's hands on my back, urging me from the room, "go!" she whispered and I took flight; running up the steps as quickly as I could. He was just inside the castle doors when I reached him. I flung his arm around my shoulder, supporting him and moving toward his office as quickly as I could. He was white and trembling, his hand was black and burnt, like all the skin had been annihilated by flames or some dark magic. His eye lids were fluttering open and closed as he flickered in and out of consciousness.

"severus…" a faint murmur emerged from his lips.

"don't talk" I ordered, panting slightly from the dead weight of his body. I barged the door to his office open with my shoulder and collapsed him in a chair. I summoned a bag of equipment I kept there and began concocting a solution. His hand was scarred by a powerful curse, I knew I had to stop it spreading before it killed him. He looked weaker by the minute but I tried to stay calm as I added bits of ingredients to the glass. Finally it turned a smoking purple colour and I tipped it down his throat slowly as I traced his hand with my wand hand. I murmured the counter curse under my breath as quickly as I could. I glanced up at his pale face. There seemed to be some colour returning to his cheeks and his eyes were open now. "severus…" he tried to speak.

I didn't know what to think. I needed time on my own, just to think and when I returned to my office hours later, Athena had gone. I guessed she knew what he had told me, what I was destined to do. I didn't even try and sleep I just drank coffee after coffee, mulling things over in my mind. When I couldn't bear the answerless questions I marched out of my office, looking for Athena. I knocked on her door and then waited. I had waited for over five minutes before I glanced at my watch and realised it was six in the morning.

"just a minute" I heard her call all the same, and I waited patiently. I heard her shuffling about for a moment and then door opened, showing her in muggle clothes, a concerned and worried expression on her face.

"Severus, you haven't slept? What good will that do anyone?" she said softly, running her eyes over me. "come and sit." I walked past her and sat on a chair like some strange obedient dog.

'did you manage to contain it?" she asked quickly.

I nodded.

"and how long does he have?"

"until what?" I said sharply. "until he dies or I kill him?" I scowled at the floor.

"Don't be angry at yourself." she said quietly. "Don't be angry at Albus. You are doing him a great favour. He knows no one as brave as you, he could ask this of no one else Severus, he has shown you as clear as crystal- he trusts you with his life, and with his death. It's your duty now." She spoke softly, and urgently, trying to make me understand. She didn't seem to realise that one of my main problems right now was not what happens to me, but what happens to her.

Anguish washed over my face and I glared at her, not being angry at her but at myself and at Albus.

"And when it is done? What happens then? My mask of being a death eater becomes welded to my face, I am one of them, everyone shall loath me and I will have been seen to kill and deceive the greatest wizard of all time. The Dark Lord foresees a time when he will no longer need a spy at Hogwarts, he shall soon have the school under his grasp, and what shall become of you?"

"of me?' she gasped. "severus, of all the worries you have right now, I beg of you to just remove one of them, you need not worry about me I shall be fine." Her eyes were wide as if she didn't even expect me to think of her. How could she think that when she was all I had to live for!

I shook my head angrily. "you don't know that!" You stay here- he'll kill you, you go on the run- he'll find you and kill you. You stay with me- he'll kill you. look! this is what I have done to you! I have turned you into bait! My selfishness has given you a death sentence! I should have foreseen the damage, the pain, and I did, but I was so selfish, the thought of not being with you overwhelmed me so much that I could not do it! I sacrificed your life for my own happiness! I-"

"stop it severus!" she cried kneeling in front of me and taking my hands in hers. "You think that I would have let you! For where is my say in this Severus! If you'd have turned around to me two years ago at the dark lord's return and said that it was over, I would not have taken it. If you'd have said that you had to give me up for my own sake I would have had none of it. You think only that it would have hurt you, to be away from me? I shall not allow anyone to take blame, for there is no fault! What I have done with my life is my own doing, and it shall remain that way."

"And what shall happen when you are standing at Dumbledore's funeral? When the man, whom I know you love like a father has been killed by someone so close to you. Then what? They shall say, well how did you not know? how could you not have seen this coming? Yes, Albus has been fooled and tricked, but you! There is not a chance, you must have known! And then later, if you do go on the run, how do you think I shall feel when it is I! I! Standing at your funeral!" I needed her to understand the pain I would cause her; I wanted her to hate me, to be angry at me, to shout to scream anything! My hands shook slightly in hers I felt so angry at myself! Angry and disgusted that I could have brought her into this danger and grief!

She looked in pain at this very moment, at my words and I hated it. "severus look at me," she begged. "I know you are innocent, I know who you are, behind the masks, behind it all I know! I won't take things at second or third hand any more! If I lost you… I should drive myself mad! I shall be waiting Severus! I shall be waiting for the moment we shall meet again. Yes, it shall be torture, I shall live perhaps, in the depths of hell, I shall not know where you are, if you are safe, if the Dark Lord has decided to dismiss you! But you Severus, no! You shall have none of these worries, because here, now, I promise you I shall be safe Severus: I give you my word." She seemed to believe every word she said, but she was underestimating his power, he would find her, I knew it.

"Your words do not release me from my demon! You know nothing of the dark lord's power! You know not of the weapons he possesses!"

"I know much of his secrets! Perhaps, even more than yourself Severus."

"He shall find you!"

"not if I'm dead!"

There was a silence. My brain worked slowly, deciphering the meaning of her words but it was like trudging through marsh, it was hazy and thick, like I knew what she meant but it was taking a long while for me to believe it.

She continued talking in a slightly more controlled and quieter voice. "you must tell him Severus that finally, after months of waiting you had the perfect opportunity. You've been ready for years, yes, the sex was good, but I meant nothing, just a bit of cheap fun. Give them graphic descriptions, how I begged for mercy, how I tried to persuade you, how I thought you loved me and how you ended it. Laugh about it, but laugh because you know it is false laughter, I shall live Severus, and I promise you we shall be together again." A tear rolled down her cheek and I was horrified at what she had just said, what she thought I was capable of.

"never shall those words escape my lips" I said in a murderous tone.

"then the words themselves become the truth! If he knows I live, I shall surely die, and if he knows you have spared me, you shall surely die also. Do you think either of us could live with causing the others death even if we had the chance? No, so there is only one option."

"The only option you see is for the dark lord to believe I've murdered you?"

"I'm begging you Severus, the thought of losing you is tearing me up inside! This is the only way."

I glared into her eyes, full of care and love and passion.

"what was the answer to your question?" I asked quietly. "how long do we have?"

She bit her lip. "ten months."

I took a deep breath. "then we shall make the most of it." I pulled her into a hug, I did not want to talk about this now, nor ever. If we only had ten months I did not want to spend it talking like that. She kissed my lips softly and led me across to the sofa. She made me sit facing away from her, saying that I was too tense. She sat behind me and worked her hands into my neck and shoulder muscles, trying to relax me. My breathing steadied and I shut my eyes. Her hands on my shoulders moved in soft relaxing circles, I probably could have fallen asleep there and then, it felt amazing.

"so tell me how was Albus?" she asked quietly, her breath tickling the back of my neck.

"he is foolish" I murmured. "tempted by god knows what, he has taken on a terrible curse and it won't be contained for long. It shall soon spread to the rest of his body." Bitter regret spread in my voice.

"so you're saving an old man from pain and humiliation?"

I sighed and spoke the truth. "he asks too much of me."

"he asks of you what he knows he can ask of no one else."

"I wish he wouldn't."

"he has no choice."

We ceased talking for a moment and her hands pressed down my back. "relax" she whispered and at her words and her touch I seemed to just do just that.

I awoke on her sofa the next morning and I stayed put for a moment as I remembered what had happened the night previously. I squinted through the sunlight that was pouring in through the windows: it was gone eleven.

I showered and dressed: Athena had already left. I imagined she was with Albus so I took my potions bag and grabbed a piece of toast from the great hall and made my way up the stairs. I knocked sharply at his door and entered. Both of them jumped at my entrance. They were grasping each others hand and there were tears in both their eyes. I felt like I had walked in one something I should not have.

I walked up to Albus and handed him a glass vial of his potion, taking the cork from the top with a wave of my wand. I noticed from the corner of my eye, Athena had wiped her eyes. When I looked at her again she seemed perfectly fine and she smiled at me. "everything… ok?" I asked carefully.

She nodded, "Albus and I were just talking of slow reactions and foolishness" she said smiling and winking at Albus. He chuckled. "anyway I best be going, I'll see you both later. Albus… thanks." Without further ado she turned and left.

"what was that all about?" I asked as soon as the door shut. "and drink that quickly, it tastes disgusting," I added.

He drank it down immediately, I wondered if he was avoiding my question but he opened his mouth to speak after pulling a face at the contents. "we… have talked of many things this morning. One of them concerning yourself; she is worried about you. She is finding it hard to even think about letting you go."

I shook my head, "it is her she should lay her worries about. What will become of her Albus?"

"she has that planed out."

"well I don't agree with her plans."

He inclined his head and said nothing.

'are you saying I should go along with it!" I cried, outraged.

"Severus, she will make it happen whether you give your consent or not. By battling against it you are simply endangering her more."

"we'll find another way!"

He shook his head and then spoke softly. "she would die for you Severus."

"and I for her a thousand times over!"

"you see, you both say that but could you live without one another?"

I said nothing. I had lived without her before I had met her, but now I had been given a taste of this life, a taste of happiness with her could I really give it up? But I knew that was not the question. Of course I could give it up for her but if she died… I didn't know what I would do with myself. Especially if it was I who caused her death… I knew I would not be able to live with myself…

A slight movement from Albus jerked me from my thoughts. "you don't need to answer the question Severus" he said calmly. "I just want you to think about your attitude towards her decision. You know if you were in her shoes you would want to make the same decision. You would do everything in your power to protect her, and that is what she is doing for you. Don't forget that Severus."

I sighed and nodded. "I know Albus, I know. I just need you to remind me sometimes."

He chuckled.

"now you have to drink this potion every day, and I'm away tomorrow so I'm going to leave another one for you in the cupboard." I took the smoking vial and stored it in a cabinet at the back of his office.

"I am more grateful than you could imagine Severus."

I said nothing, I knew he didn't just mean the potion, he meant everything else he had asked me too.

"I have to go and pack, try not to do anything too testing today, and rest your hand, don't even raise it, keep it level."

He sighed and thanked me again and I went back down to my office. I packed a few things in a small bag and went to find Athena. I found her in her classroom marking essays. I didn't question her about her conversation with Albus this morning, I decided to let her talk to me about it if she wanted. She looked up as I walked down the aisle between desks. "hey."

"I'm going away tonight, I'm going to spend the night at Spinners End, I need to speak to Wormtail and sort some papers out."

"no worries, are you going now?"

I nodded.

She smiled, "ok so I'll see you tomorrow."

I nodded and turned, I was half way back down the aisle before I span around again, forgetting something. I walked quickly up to her and kissed her. It seemed to take her by surprise and she blinked when I drew back. "thanks" she said breathlessly. I smiled and turned back down the aisle smartly and left. Her surprised and delighted look still flashed in my mind and I gave a silent laugh under my breath.

I apparated to spinners end, my laughter immediately disappearing as I reached the dark, murky streets. The smell of stale cigarettes and sewage lingered in the air and I let myself into the house as quickly as possible. I heard a scuffling from the other room and I flung the door open. Wormtail was there, helping himself to my books by the look of it. I shouted and he jumped and scurried up to his room with a squeak. I flicked my wand lazily and the door slammed shut.

It was good to have someone I despised so much to take my anger out on. I sorted out my business at the house and made sure I locked my door when I slept that night. I was not fond of having Wormtail here, I knew he was company, but it was bad company and I would much rather be alone. He made me feel uneasy, but also angry. It was like he was the reminder of my 'dark side' so it seems, and I don't like to have that staring me in the face.


	42. Too Much

I left early the next morning with a new pile of books to read and potions to learn the methods of.

Wormtail had my bad mood, making me feel so angry and claustrophobic in the little house; it was like the Dark Lord had put him there to spy on me! I was beginning to get stressed. I tended not to let my feelings show in public, and so I was expressing them in the only place I felt comfortable to express them: around Athena. I am just so angry at this mess I have got us into, and the stress Albus is putting on me! I can't help it, but I keep getting myself worked up. I am expecting her to snap at any moment, to get fed up of my mood swings and un called for actions.

It's strange, it's like she's used to it, she just puts up with it, even when I threw a mug against the wall the other day, smashing it, and she just repaired it with a wave of her wand and gave me a hug. She seems to understand, even if there seems to be no explanation, she just stands back and- and comforts and calms me! I don't know what to say- I can't really ask her to argue with me, or complain about me, but that feels like what she should be doing! She is acting bravely, I can tell she is worried and scared, but she always tries not to show it around me.

I left the books in my office and went to find Athena before Albus. I was not sure if I wanted to see him just yet, I was already in a bad mood and he would only make that worse at this present time. I knocked on the door and there was a pause before it flung open. She looked frustrated, but her frustration turned to a smile. "you're back early?"

I shrugged. "Wormtail is enough to drive anyone away."

"I'm sure he is." She stepped aside and shut the door and when she turned around I kissed her lightly, savouring the taste of her cherry lip balm.

"what are you up to?" I asked looking around curiously; she had spell books open and coffee mugs everywhere.

"oh just been… learning some new stuff…"

She paused and then seemed to decide on asking me. "Severus… will you help me? Well first of all I need to perfect an undetectable extension charm on a bigger scale, which I'm struggling with at the moment, and secondly… I need someone to teach me to duel…"

I thought through what she had just said. It was not what I expected. Why did she need an undetectable extension charm? Was she going away? And why did she need to duel? I frowned; I thought she already knew how to duel…

"are you going away?' I asked cautiously.

"not soon."

"when?"

She hesitated. "I… I'm planning for when we have to part: I'm going to have to go on the run and so I believe I should know how to duel and I need the extension charm to fit all my clothes and food in a small rucksack.

"why are you planning that far ahead Athena? We don't need to think about that now we haven't even decided what we're going to do anyway, for all you know you could be staying safely here."

"Severus, I have decided what I'm going to be doing and so I need to know this stuff, if you won't teach me, fine, I'll ask Remus."

"it's not only down to you to decide!"

"It's my life!"

"and I am a part of it! Unless of course you'd just rather Lupin was instead, maybe he _should_ teach you!"

I wasn't sure where the anger and jealousy came from but the moment I said it, I regretted it. She looked angry and hurt but then suddenly with what seemed like a great effort she put a smooth mask on, walked over calmly sat down on the sofa, resumed her book and said in a bitter tone, "can you shut the door on your way out please?"

She was doing it again! I wanted badly to march out and slam the door behind me, but I knew it was not how I should behave. With all my self control I took a deep breath and apologised.

"sit down" she said unwillingly, jerking her head toward the space next to her. She shut her book as I sat down and she turned towards me, placing her hands on my shoulders, caressing my neck and cheek tenderly.

"Sev you've let yourself get too stressed again." Her voice was caring and soft, and the way she shortened my name and traced circles on the side of my face calmed me down. "will you teach me, or would you like me to ask Remus?" she asked again, knowing that I did not want to talk about what was making me stressed.

"I'll teach you, of course I'll teach you I just don't like the reason of why you have to be taught…"

"thank you" she said smiling.

"when would you like to start?"

"whenever suits you."

"well I'll show you that charm now if you like" I said indicating towards her bag. "you show me how you do it first."

She drew her wand, pointed it at the rucksack and swirled her wand. I picked the bag up and peered inside; it seemed to be twice as big on the inside, but this was still quite small.

"see it's just not big enough" Athena sighed, peering around my arm.

"you're not moving your wand right, look, show me slowly."

She followed the path of her wand slowly, without causing any incantation this time and I watched carefully.

"yes, look here, right at the end you need to flick your wrist upwards, very slightly, and then to the right. Look, try slowly again."

I positioned myself behind her so I could hold her wand arm with my own. I made her hand move in the direction I wanted it to, causing a slight flick at the end of the sequence. "you see?"

She nodded. "will you show me again?" she said quietly. She took a tiny step backwards, it was only miniscule but it meant that her back was curved against my chest and her shape was moulded perfectly to mine. I could feel the warmth from her body, feel every curve and every movement.

"sev?"

I cleared my throat, urging myself to concentrate. "yes, of course" I stammered quickly. I retook her arm, bringing me, if possible, even closer to her. "ready?" I swirled her arm quicker this time and a shot of blue light emerged from the tip. It smashed a glass jar on the counter, but neither of us seemed to notice.

She had spun around and pressed her mouth to mine. My arms locking tightly behind her as her breasts pressed into my chest and she wrapped her arms around my neck. It was so fierce and passionate- no asking, just taking and yet it was perfect. Her hands moved down my chest and she began undoing the buttons on my shirt, her fingernails scraping my skin, burning me so hot I couldn't prevent a groan escaping my lips and passing straight into hers. We seemed locked together when a loud knock at the door interrupted us.

She moaned softly as we pulled apart, echoing my thoughts exactly. She leaned her head gently on my shoulder and regained her breath as did I. The knock repeated itself, slightly firmer this time and she gestured for me to wait in the bedroom. I did, leaving the door slightly ajar as she combed her fingers through her hair and opened it. "Albus" she said, half pleased and half frustrated at our interruption.

"my dear child how do you find yourself this fine morning?"

"all the better for seeing you" she replied smiling. "how is your hand?"

"oh fine, fine, I am quite coping without it. Anyway, I am here in answer to your question yesterday concerning-"

"Albus" she interrupted him quickly, with a hand in the air. "I confess I am not alone."

At this moment I opened the door and looked guiltily at Albus, I'd promised I would call on him as soon as I entered the castle. I explained and apologised but he didn't seem to mind.

"gosh Severus I did not know you had returned, no don't apologise! I quite understand you had more- ah- delightful things to see about this morning." He threw a glance to the bedroom I had just emerged from and his eyes twinkled.

Athena laughed and shook her head. "Severus was helping me learn an undetectable extension charm Albus."

"of course he was" Albus said chuckling. "Well Athena, our answer can wait, but Severus, might I ask you to join me in my office as soon as you are done helping Athena with her… charm?"

I raised my eyebrows at his joke. "I shall join you now Albus, no matter how much of a bad temper it shall put me in."

Albus chuckled again, "right you are, good day Athena." He bowed slightly at her and strolled from the room, giving me a split second of privacy to give her a quick kiss goodbye.

I wondered, as we walked up to his office briskly, what answer he had for Athena, and consequently, what question she had asked him. I knew I should not ask but I was so tempted. Why did she announce my presence before he could give an answer, did that mean the question was about me? I frowned, it was probable, but I knew it was definitely not my business to know. If she wanted to tell me, she could. I was happy that I had come to this conclusion and not done what I always did and interrogated them both.

Albus and I spoke for over an hour about what I had heard and reported during my stay at Spinners End before he moved onto the sensitive topic of everything else he wants of me.

"Severus… when I am gone, I project there will be a time when lord Voldemort will want you to reside at Hogwarts as Headmaster. I would like you to promise me now; you shall try your utmost best to protect the children of the school. Although I take into consideration of course, your difficult position and people to whom you must appear worthy, however I would hope your loyalty will truly lie with this school."

"yes Albus, you have my word, although you know of course how difficult that shall be once death eaters are roaming the halls. They'll be punishing students like they did years ago- only worse! What do you expect me to do, tell everyone that actually, no, I don't favour the dark lord or his plans but instead I have been fooling him all this time and my true loyalty lies with you Albus, however unwillingly I bestow it."

"I know you shall try your utmost best Severus."

I was annoyed at his assumption.

"secondly, I would like you to keep an eye on the Malfoy boy."

"are you going to tell me why I keep having to?"

"Lord Voldemort wants a spy inside of Hogwarts, other than yourself of course. He's going to try and use the boy to break into the school. You have been summoned to the manor on Friday have you not? Well I imagine you shall find out there and then."

"right. And I imagine you shall want a full report on the meeting the moment I return?"

"that would be preferable."

"bearing in mind that I will have spent all day at the manor surrounded my murderers and insanity and I shall come straight back here to talk all about everything that happened for the rest of the night."

"well Severus it shall surely be better for you to talk about what has just happened immediately after, therefore you shan't forget anything-"

"I wouldn't forget anything anyway Albus." I corrected sharply.

"and it means you just have the one day to talk about this subject, and not spreading it out over the entire weekend."

"and yet you don't consider the fact that I might be so stressed and inundated with the whole strain of having to pretend to be this person I am no longer; this murder this- this disgusting, vicious man who murders innocent people! You think it's easy for me Albus! You just keep asking all of this stuff from me and you're not giving me anything back, or even any time to control myself, and go back to my normal life!"

"Severus you know full well we don't have much time!"

"that's another thing! You don't consider how much you're asking me Albus, to kill you? Like I don't even see you as a real person, you're just another tool we have to use to defeat the Dark Lord! What is this going to do to Athena! Not only has she just watched her best friend die, she's now got to watch the man she sees as a father figure killed by- by me! And I! Are you not even taking into consideration my feelings- how I feel about- about you! And the things you are asking me to do! Albus, you don't even think about it do you! And not only that- what is going to happen when it's done, to me, to Athena. She wants me to spread about I've killed her as well! I know she is not content with that idea, she just sees it as the only opportunity, and I! I shall have to commit permanently to this life you have thrust me into!" I threw my hands up in the air and kicked the chair.

He looked at me calmly and it was too much, he wasn't even arguing his cause properly, he'd just sit there and say something perfectly reasonable and sensible- it wasn't fair! "I've had enough Albus- I can't do with this today!"

I walked to the door and left, slamming it behind me. I was angry at him, immensely so, I just wanted to be away from all that and go back to my normal life, the life I wanted! I walked straight to my office and slammed the door behind me, but no sooner than I was there I wanted to leave again. Everywhere I looked there seemed to be some reminder of my past- dark arts books, a glass vial I had used treating a death eater. I smashed it with a wave of my wand and left. I knew where I wanted to be with the person whom I wanted to share my life with- my normal life. I knocked on her door, taking care to knock gently and not let my anger escape me. She opened it, and in doing so I got a waft of her sweet scent and chocolate and music reached my ears. Her eyes grazed over me for a moment and then she frowned slightly.

"what happened?"

I didn't say anything but she stepped aside and walked in. There were chocolate wrappers on the floor and her stereo was on quietly in the background. She shut the door and walked over to the kettle, filling it with water and pointing her wand at it. Within moments billows of steam erupted from the top and she handed me a mug of tea. I took a sip and then set the mug down on the counter.

"sev tell me what's wrong."

She wrapped her hands around her mug of tea and took a sip, watching me carefully over the top of it.

"Albus…" was all I said heavily.

She nodded, put her mug down and came and wrapped her arms around me. I shut my eyes and kissed the top of her head. She didn't realise just how much that action calmed me and meant to me.

"do you want to go for a walk?" she said, looking up at me.

I opened my eyes, "that would be nice."

She grabbed her coat and then took my hand and we walked down towards the grounds. I played with her fingers absentmindedly in my hand, trying to warm them in the cold winter air. I had realised it was important for me to have someone like her, someone I had to look after but someone whom I knew would survive fine without me. In her mind I knew she didn't need looking after, but I think she liked it when I did things like warm her when it was cold. That's probably why I disliked it when she made decisions and left me for a long time, like the other summer. If she was out of my control, I didn't feel uneasy, I knew she would never be completely under my control, she was too stubborn and independent for that and I had accepted her for what she was, as she had to me. There were moments when she did depend on me to be there, and to make sure she was ok, and that gave me a sense of duty, of course I would be there, I would always be there when she called.

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and our body heat warmed us both.

"I have to spend Friday at the manor, all day… with them"

I said quietly, a hint of disgust in my voice. "and then he wants me to come back here and go straight over to his office and spend hours reporting on everything that happened. It's like he doesn't realise how much I hate it! He wants me spend twenty four hours being the person I have tried so hard not to be- the person I am running from, even now. I know I have to do this for our world- but he won't give me a break! He asks too much of me Athena! I've had enough!" I gritted my teeth and glared out across the rippling water.

"come straight back to mine on Friday, I'll cook us dinner and I'll make sure you fall back down to this earth, and this life."

I sighed, "that would be very welcome."

"good. So are you going to kiss me now?" she said it in a false – irritated voice and she smiled as she spoke.

"of course I am" I said smiling and I spun her around in my arms and drew her lips to mine. Her lips were icy and yet still so soft and gentle against mine. My hand stroked her face and then her lips as I drew back slightly. I drew cold breaths deeply as she leant her head against my chest. "come on, let's go sit by the lake," I murmured.

I retook her hand and we strolled along to sit under a tree by the side of the water. I conjured some flames with my wand to warm us and made them hover in the air, forming a barrier of heat against the frosty air. I wrapped her in my arms again as we leant against the tree and watched darkness fall.

She woke me up the next morning with a gentle shake of my shoulder. We had relocated to her rooms and she was wearing one of my shirts, rolled up at the sleeves and opened at the neck over her tiny shorts that hugged her figure. I smiled; I couldn't help it, awaking to such an image. She laughed lightly when she noticed my eyes gazing over her. "awake?" she asked softly.

I sat up and nodded.

"right come on then, it's almost eight." She slipped from the edge of the bed and walked into the kitchen. I heard her put the kettle on. I changed quickly and took the coffee she handed me. "do you have a class first?" she asked.

"yes, sixth years…" I scowled.

"not your favourite?" she said smiling.

"what about you?"

"I've got lessons from ten until about four, I don't mind though…"

I glanced at my watch and sighed. "I should go; I have to prepare a chameleon draught before the lesson."

"ok, oh, I'm having dinner with Remus tonight and I'm away tomorrow so I probably won't see you now until Friday night, and don't forget I'll cook so you don't need to have eaten before."

I nodded and stepped half way out the door before she added; "oh and go straight up to Albus and tell him you're coming here on Friday, and tell him your reasons for it, and be calm and rational severus!" she warned.

I scowled at the wall but then turned and left, heading for Albus' office. I wondered where she was going tomorrow, but seen as she hadn't told me, and had only mentioned it offhandedly I guessed it was nothing, however I couldn't really think of anywhere she would go for the whole day and night. I frowned but I had other things on my mind at the moment.

I knocked lightly on the door, reminding myself to be calm and rational as she had said. I entered when I heard his call and he was standing on the far side of the room, watching me expectantly.

"I shall report to you the events of Friday on Saturday morning Albus, not before. I would like you to respect my wishes, and understand how demanding it is for me. I am not going to apologise for my behaviour last night as I believe you should take note of what I said. Good day to you." I turned to leave, not wanting to get involved in any argument today but he called to me.

"Severus, I believe it is I who should be apologising. I feel I have been laying too much pressure on you recently. I have been selfish, thinking that you only need to do my bidding and not understanding that you have your own life and your own commitments now. I am truly sorry."

I nodded silently and then left, feeling somewhat resolved.

I had classes all day and in the evening I sat by a fire in my office and read a book I had borrowed from Athena called the Great Gatsby, a rather marvellous read. I wondered how Athena was spending her evening but then I remembered she had plans to spend it with Remus. I knew I should not be jealous, and I was reassured that they were just friends but- well it was just the two of them going for a cosy romantic meal… I scowled at the page. I tried to occupy my mind with the book for another hour, and then I retired early to bed.

The next morning was Thursday and I couldn't help going down to see if Athena was in. I knocked loudly on the door, but there was no answer which I thought was odd as it was only just half past seven. I didn't linger, I went up for breakfast in the great hall and then straight on to my lessons. I had a rushed day, with only a break at dinner and so at five o clock when I was finished I was exhausted. I was to be up the next morning by six am, and so I had a small dinner brought down to me by the house elves and I ate alone behind my desk. I spent two and a half hours finishing my book and then went to bed.


	43. Years Apart

I shan't relate to you the events of Friday before eight o clock. I have spent the day in the presence of the dark lord and I arrived back at the castle in unhappy spirits. I went to my office and left by bag there and then walked back up to Athena's office, just as she agreed. I knocked as lightly as I could and she called for me to enter. I listened and heard her moving about in the kitchen and so I walked through.

She was wearing a short simple black dress with just black socks and yet she looked…good. It seemed it didn't matter how much or how little she wore, she always looked amazing. She put down a plate when she saw me and smiled and I walked quickly over and kissed her adoringly. She laughed lightly when I kept kissing her again and again and pressed a finger to my lips.

"tough day?" she said her voice raised in slight mockery.

I laughed. "sorry."

She shook her head and smiled in that mischievous way, "I didn't say I didn't like it, but I shall only loose concentration and burn our dinner."

I laughed and kissed her once more before straightening out and glancing around at the messy kitchen, inhaling in the spicy scents. "it smells delicious."

She smiled picking up her spoon again and stirring a pot of noodles. "it's Chinese, I'm pretty sure you'll like it."

I smiled and leant back against the counter. It was strange how my anger and bad mood seemed to subside when I was in her company. I knew it would probably return later that night, especially under the influence of alcohol, but right now I almost felt happy. I took the glass of wine she handed me and I walked through to her living room and then stopped, frowning. Everything had been turned around, as though the entire room had been flipped around, or as though I had entered it from the other side. The layout was exactly the same, but whatever had been on the right side was now on the left side. I stepped backwards into the kitchen and opened my mouth questioningly. "um… what happened to the living room?"

"oh" she said a startled expression on her face, as though she had completely forgotten. "I couldn't sleep last night so… I did that instead and re organised all my books…" she stopped and then looked embarrassed.

I looked at her in confused amazement.

"you couldn't sleep so you turned your room back to front?"

She shrugged but now I looked at her properly I noticed that her eyes were slightly red from lack of sleep, and she looked exhausted.

"why couldn't you sleep?" I asked first of all.

She shrugged again. "I don't know." I didn't believe her.

"well… look why don't you go and lie down and-"

She interrupted me. "no severus, I want to spend tonight with you, go and sit down in the back-to-front living room and wait for dinner."

I opened my mouth to argue with her but she shook her head.

"please?"

I nodded reluctantly and sat down in the other room, but I would question her more later. After a few minutes she brought two steaming plates to the table, summoning salt and pepper with a wave of her wand and we sat down at the table.

"are you ok?" she asked, watching me carefully.

I nodded. "I'm glad I'm not spending tonight with Albus."

She smiled. "you need a break."

"actually you're the one that looks like they need a break."

She sighed. "Severus, I'm just tired, and anyway tonight is about you, not me."

"who said?"

"I did" she replied firmly.

I laughed at her stubbornness. "but I happen to like talking about you?"

"I don't care, fine, tonight is about me and what I want and I want not to talk about me, but to talk about you." The corners of her mouth twitched upwards slightly.

I laughed. "this food is amazing" I said.

"I'm glad you like it."

We talked about miscellaneous, non important things whilst we ate and then I pulled her onto the sofa, tidying the plates with a sweep of my wand. "now, where did you go yesterday?" I asked, trying not to sound too inquisitive.

"I went to see an old friend I met at school. He suggested we meet up…"

"he?"

"yes" she rolled her eyes. "he."

I didn't know what to think. I knew he was just a friend of hers and that they had just met but when I thought about everything else… how mysterious he sounded and she had spent the night with him?

"what's his name?" I asked.

"Jay."

I nodded. "so… what did you guys do all day?"

"we went for a walk on the beach and then ate chips and then I kipped on his sofa." She seemed to be humouring me.

I nodded and then faked a false interest in him, rather than in what they did.

"so tell me about him, what's he like?"

Again she answered my question calmly and precisely. "he's brilliant" she said smiling. "he's about my height, short brown hair and he speaks with this little lisp it's so cute." I clenched my fist in my lap, the way she talked about him… my only reassurance was that so far she didn't seem to be lying. "I met him at school and I haven't seen him since I left so we had a good catch up. He's very funny, completely bent and such a nice guy!"

"bent?" I frowned, not understanding her usage of the word.

"gay." She said, as though it was obvious.

I was struck silent for a moment and then I managed an "oh." I almost laughed with the relief and thought I had accidentally until I realised it was her who was laughing.

"your face" she giggled. "I've never seen you looked so relieved."

I half smiled.

"Severus you really are quite paranoid; don't you trust me?"

"you? Of course I trust you- it's him I didn't trust!"

She laughed. "well you don't need to worry- he's got a boyfriend and I've got you."

She kissed my hand and I smiled at her, feeling slightly humiliated.

"anyway I thought we decided tonight was about you being relaxed?"

I laughed emptily. "quite unlikely after spending the day acting as a murderer." I said bitterly.

"tell me about it?' she asked gently. I knew she didn't mind either way I answered and so I thought for a moment.

"I was at Lucius' manor… there were a lot of us there… we were planning the fall of Hogwarts under Albus' power…"

She moved closer to me and watched, but I couldn't make out the expression on her face; it was unfamiliar.

"The dark lord predicts Albus will fall before the end of this year." I said it quickly, not wanting to cause her pain but she said nothing and didn't even move, as though she hadn't heard the news at all. I looked at her frowning. "That's in less than a month," I added, just making sure she realised how little time we had.

Again she said nothing, staring blankly onto the stone floor. I wondered if she was just shocked. "Athena?" I said quietly and she lifted her head slowly.

"I didn't… I didn't want you to realise how little time we had left Severus."

"why-"

"Severus, I don't want this to be a countdown for us. I- I want to live every day like there's no tomorrow- I don't want us to think about how much time there is left or- or- how long until I leave- god damn it Albus is dying Severus!" she seemed to be getting more and more stressed and desperate and so I tried to calm her quickly.

"Athena- Athena listen to me-"

She stopped and took a deep breath, shutting her eyes.

I put my hands on her shoulders as though I could force my words into her but I didn't know what to say. Albus' death could be postponed- I didn't have to kill him, but I knew even as I thought it that it was false. If I didn't kill him someone else would in a much more brutal fashion. "there is nothing you can do for Albus now Athena. Concentrate on tonight and tomorrow concentrate on tomorrow. We shall only look at what is right in front of us, looking to the future is no good for you; you of all people should know that."

She nodded. "I know that you're right Severus. I'm just… going to miss him."

I nodded. "as will I." I paused looking for a subject change. "do you really like the room turned the other way around like this?"

She smiled, "no I don't. It's confusing"

"it is. Would you like me to help you change everything back?"

She smiled. "Please."

I guided her away from the sofa to the doorway and swept my wand across the room. The furniture lifted, rotated and levitated to the other side of the room. What had taken her hours had taken me less than a minute.

"huh." She said to herself. "Didn't think of that."

I laughed. "so what's for pudding?"

She smacked me, smiling with her eyes and returned from the kitchen with a muggle kind of ice cream in a cone shaped waffle. It was very nice and tasted of vanilla.

"how was your dinner with Remus?" I enquired.

"very enjoyable" she said smiling. "although he has his own problems himself… I'm sure you've noticed the change in tonks' patronus?"

"yes, a great lumbering beast, it looks weaker than her old one."

"it has taken the form of a werewolf." She said simply.

"I still don't understand."

"Tonks and Remus are in love."

"Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks?" I repeated, sure she had got it wrong.

"yes" a smiled stretched across her face, lighting up her eyes. "she realised she loved him about… a year ago. Remus… he won't accept that he loves her. He believes he's too old for her, too dangerous." Then she added sadly" He thinks that he would be a waste and that she could do better."

I didn't know what to make of it. "but…" I began slowly. "Those reasons are… well if you and I abided by them reasons, all of which are compatible with our relationship then we wouldn't have a relationship. "I mean for instance I am so much older than yourself, although you have always refused to tell me your age…"

"I'm scared it will make a difference to how you see me." She replied truthfully.

"how could you think that? Athena it would just be nice to know."

She looked at me, almost defiantly. "I'm twenty one."

I wasn't sure I had heard correctly and so she repeated the number. "twenty one?" I repeated.

She nodded.

My eyes glanced over her, I knew she was young, in her twenties but… however when I looked at her with this knowledge in my mind I realised it was just the clothes and the maturity of her expressions and circumstances that made her look those few years older. I was not usually around people in their twenties and so I hadn't really anyone to compare her to. I was in my late thirties… and she was twenty one? But then that meant that when we first got together she was… eighteen? I felt shocked at myself.

"but… I'm too old for you." I said without thinking.

She looked hurt and taken aback. "do you really mean that?"

"you're… twenty one Athena, I'm thirty eight. That's seventeen years!"

"I don't care" she said indignantly.

"but you're wasting your life on me!" I cried. "you've got your entire life before you and- and-"

"you think I would want to spend my life any other way?"

"but Remus is right! There is not a chance in hell you would want this if you had the opportunity for something better, someone younger!"

"I've had opportunities Severus, I want no one else why don't you know that by now?" she was angry in a desperate sort of way, but so was I.

"you've never tried properly!"

"I knew this would happen! She cried. "I knew my age would be a problem for you-"

"seventeen year difference Athena!"

"It's not the difference Severus it's the number. You've always known there was a large age difference and it's never bothered you before- and now- now you've found out I'm only twenty one… it's like nothing else matters to you! You're wrong Severus, age is nothing-"

"age is everything" I said bitterly standing up. I felt disgusted with myself. "eighteen!" you were eighteen when I first kissed you! That's the same age as some of my pupils now!"

"and would you ever consider a relationship with a pupil?"

"of course not!"

"exactly! It's me Severus, you shouldn't even be thinking about my age god damn it!"

"how can I not think about it!" I paced about the room angrily. "dear Merlin! I'm almost double your age!" I spat disgustedly. How could I have been so revolting!

"I have to think" I muttered, more to myself than her.

She said nothing but I didn't dare look at her face. I knew she was either livid or upset, or most likely both and I didn't want to see that. Instead I picked up my coat and moved to the door.

"thanks for dinner" I muttered and left the room. I walked around the castle, snapping at students for being out of their common rooms or lingering outside doors. I was in the same position as Remus and I knew it was him I needed to see. I glanced at my watch. It was half past nine: not too late.

I turned on my heel and hurried through the boundaries of the grounds until I could apparate and suddenly I was gasping for air outside Remus' small house, where Athena had spent her last few summers. I knocked on the door loudly, hoping he had not yet retired to bed. He opened the door curiously, his wand held out in front.

"Severus Snape, I spent Christmas day with you at headquarters last year" I said quickly, clarifying to him that it really was me and not a impostor. He relaxed and apologised.

"sorry Severus but I had to check, it is such a late hour."

"I need to speak to you Remus…"

"come in" he stepped aside, looking slightly confused and I swept quickly past him into the living room.

"what can I do for you?" he asked, sitting opposite me.

"I… forgive me Remus but I have come to hear of your situation and views regarding Nymphadora Tonks."

"ah." Remus said shortly, looking both embarrassed and annoyed.

"please don't blame Athena. She told me only in complete confidence however in her revealing this I questioned her about her own age. She has never before submitted to my requests but tonight she did. She's twenty one Remus."

The shock hit him as it had hit me. And he likewise repeated the figure in clarification. "she seems so much more mature than that… I imagine it is all she has been through." He said pensively.

"Remus I am in my late thirties." I pressed, trying to make him understand my dilemma and the likeness to his own.

"But surely, no offence to you Severus, you had realised the age difference before?"

"I had known there was a great difference yes, that is not the issue to me Remus, it is her age- she is too young to be settling down with me, I am just too old for her- too wasteful-"

"Severus you are all she wants, everyone can see it, especially-" he paused. "Severus I don't know if Athena has ever told you this, and I beg you not to read anything into it until I finish but… before you and Athena were together I… I thought myself… I…forgive me Severus I find it difficult to word this without just saying outright what I did: I kissed her. I believed my feelings towards her were returned, I had not felt that way in such a long time and she came along and I just felt so young and whole again. She didn't care about my past or my… condition, she just saw me for who I was. Anyhow, the moment I acted on my feelings I realised they were not returned in the same way. She said to me something about her past, about someone she had left behind… she said quite clearly it would take someone pretty much unique and incredible to make her change her mind and then she found you Severus and against even her wishes and better judgement she… well she fell in love with you Severus."

I was shocked by his story and the fact she had never mentioned it before, but he reassured me that his feelings would never matter anymore.

"I should never have acted upon my feelings then!" I argued. "I wouldn't have if I had known she was eighteen!"

"is that true Severus? Really, think about it, could you have never acted upon how you felt? Never have told her? Could you have kept yourself in that suspense of not knowing how she felt, if she returned your feelings forever? For think of this Severus; is not your life better with her than without?"

"my life is worth living with her." I said, not caring to hide my feelings any longer. "It is her- she should not be with me, she is too young too-"

"Severus you are describing exactly my feelings towards Dora, however… now I have seen yourself in the same situation, heard the words from your lips after seeing you and her together and seeing how- how- full you make each other feel… it is causing me to rethink my attitude towards her and I."

"Remus… I beg you for advice; I just feel that it is wrong for her to be with me when I am so much older."

"Severus, you did not hear this from me but… she came here heartbroken and in love with a man twelve years older than her. You are not so far off that number. Age matters nothing to her."

"He was twelve years older?"

He nodded again. "She was just sixteen when they began seeing each other I believe."

At first I felt disgusted towards this other man but then I realised I had done just as bad as he had, perhaps worse… yet… even now I knew her age, my true feelings towards her had not changed. Remus was right, eventually my feelings would have come through.

"I have been foolish." I admitted.

"you have made the same mistake as I Severus."

"thank you Remus" I said standing. "I'm sorry to have intruded on you like this but I was in need of your aid."

He nodded graciously. "and I of yours."

I thanked him again, shook his hand and left, glad there was an understanding between the two of us now.

I apparated back to Hogwarts at about eleven and went straight to her office. When I knocked on the door she answered wearing her shorts and a night shirt, clutching a wine glass with an indignant look on her face. "come to break up with me?' she said in a harsh voice, but I could see her eyes were pained.

"I've come to apologise for my naïve stupidity and- and ask you to forgive me." I said quietly but completely truthfully knowing she deserved that at least.

"come in" she said quietly stepping back. I walked through, my eyes flickering for a moment to the half empty bottle of white wine on the coffee table.

"I've been to see Remus."

She looked surprised but tried to hide it quickly.

"He has helped me to come to terms with… well he helped me realised that even if I had known your age before I acted upon my feelings for you, I would never have been able to hold out on them and not do anything. In the end… my love for you would have taken control."

She crossed her arms and stayed silent.

"I know you love me. Remus told me about how… you told him it would take someone pretty special for you, to make you love again and I know you love me."

Her head raised slightly when I mentioned Remus but now she was looking at me with an almost angry, blazing look on her face yet when she spoke she sounded reluctantly upset. "of course I fucking love you, you idiot." She scowled at me for it being true.

"I thought so." I said, almost smiling at her indignation to not forgive me too easily. "I am sorry."

She raised her eyebrows and then, with the scowl still on her face she came over and wrapped her arms round my waist, squeezing me tightly and burying her head in my chest.

"I hate you" she mumbled through my cloak but I knew she was joking. I smiled over the top of her head, wondering how I could ever have imagined we weren't right for each other, or that something as mediocre as age could stop us.

"I hate you too" I murmured softly, feeling the slight shake of her body as she laughed.

I kissed her on the lips intensely and she responded the same. "were you sleeping?' I whispered.

"not yet."

"good," I replied, pulling her through to the back of her office.

**A/N: reviews are beautiful things :P **


	44. Our Time Has Come

I awoke, showering and dressing quietly the next morning so as not to wake Athena at the early hour. I was just at the door when a quiet, joking voice stopped me.

"where do you think you're going without saying goodbye?"

I smiled and kissed her. "see you later."

I hurried up to Albus' office, knowing that I could not loose my temper with him again today. The first thing I did was hand him his bottle of potion for his blackened arm. He thanked me and gestured for me to sit.

"did you enjoy yourself last night?" he asked politely.

"I did."

"I am glad. Now Severus, let us begin with the meeting yesterday."

We talked for two hours about what had happened at the manor yesterday and we planned an order meeting for tomorrow.

"will Athena attend even though it is held at Grimauld Place?" he asked considerately.

"It's been months Albus…"

"some wounds never heal Severus."

"I'll look after her."

He smiled. "good then that concludes our discussion, twelve o clock tomorrow Severus."

We stood up and shook hands and I went to the great hall for some late breakfast.

I spent the afternoon sending letters informing everyone of the meeting tomorrow. I met Athena in Hogsmeade later that night for a quick drink and so I told her then. She didn't seem too happy when I said it was at Grimauld Place but she didn't say anything.

The meeting went well, a new plan as been put into action that I won't write about for privacy and secrecy issues, but I do believe this well get us well ahead of the Dark Lord.

Athena has invited me around for dinner tonight and I hurried over there after classes. I knocked and the door swung forward, a waft of spicy smell hitting me. "smells good." I said, strolling into the kitchen where there were pans sizzling.

"yeah don't known if it's gonna be edible though" she said in a quiet voice, keeping her back to me.

"good day?' I asked, trying to see her face.

"yeah it was fine. Someone decided to set off a firework in my second lesson but other than that it was great."

She paused for a moment and then turned around. "how about yourself?" I was struck again by her beauty in the simple black and silver dress she was wearing. She was smiling at me but it didn't seem to reach her eyes and she looked tired.

"severus?' her voice brought me back to reality.

"sorry I was just… thinking. Yes my day was fine I've just been to see Albus."

She nodded. "yeah I went this morning…" There was another silence as she gazed over my shoulder and then she lifted her head. "make your self at home, dinners nearly ready."

I strolled through to the living room and sat on the sofa. Within a few minutes she called me over to the table where two steaming hot dishes were laid out. The meal was delicious. We talked about the plans for the order for most of it but I noticed something odd. She wouldn't stop looking at me. She excused herself about five times over that half an hour, either to 'get a drink' or check on the desert.' It seemed to be that there was something wrong with her. I think it was Black again. After his death a new photo of her and Black and Remus appeared on her shelf. They all had their arms around each other, including Black which did not make me happy, but they were all laughing at something, bottles of butterbeer in their hands. I scowled over at the photo when she wasn't looking.

We had a glass of wine on the sofa afterwards and we sat with my arm around her and her nestling into my shoulder. I guessed it was best for me to leave when the clock struck twelve. I explained to her I had to see Minerva the next morning and she nodded quietly. She took my hands in hers and looked up at me with her wide brown eyes.

"Athena are you sure you're-"

"I'm fine Severus." She said not meeting my gaze.

I nodded reluctantly and kissed her. She held on a little longer than normal. Her mouth was urgent this time and I dropped her hands only so I could wrap my arms around her waist.

"goodbye" she whispered finally and I turned and left. I walked through the darkness down to my office frowning. What was wrong with her? Somehow I didn't think it was just Black. Why hadn't she wanted to let me go? Why had she kept leaving the table, her eyes full of tears? What was wrong?

My wand reached out to unlock my office door and then it happened, like a key turned in my mind unlocking the answer. Tonight? Was it tonight? My heart pounded in my chest and I leant against the door frame. My mind wasn't working it out quick enough! It was tonight! That was why she didn't want to say goodbye- because she knew that this time it really was goodbye. Why hadn't she told me the time was this close. Why hadn't she made some mention to the time. Why- why tonight when she knew for certain! How could she have let me go like that- no real goodbye… but then I knew her and I knew how much she hated to say goodbye. Well not this time, I thought to myself. This isn't just her decision, it's mine too.

I turned on my heel and marched towards her office again. I rounded the corner to her room and heard a heavy bass of a stereo from within. I flashed my wand through the air angrily and the door burst open. I focused my eyes on the dimly lit room. She was sitting on the counter, squinting her eyes at me and nodding her head irregularly to the music. I waved my wand sharply and turned off the stereo. She blinked, surprised by the sudden silence.

"You were just going to let me go weren't you? You weren't going to say good bye? You just thought oh, nice and easy I'll just pretend I didn't realise the date or forget to mention it! God is that what I meant to you? nothing! You can just let me go without saying goodbye! without talking about any of this! without- without-"

"fuck off." Her slurred voice said loudly. "fuck off Severus if you think that you don't mean anything to me! That I didn't want the effort! It's too fucking difficult Severus! I've spent the most difficult times of my life around you, but this! - this is like fucking hell Severus! It's just too damn hard!"

I put my face in my hands I was so frustrated at her but then I heard an uncontrolled sob and looked up quickly. Her bottom lip was quivering and there were tears in her eyes. My gaze followed to the wine glass in her hand and then to the empty bottle next to her. It seemed she was already on her second bottle. I sighed and ran my hands through my hair.

"oh Jesus. Why Athena, why?"

The glass slipped from her hand. It fell as though in slow motion to the floor where it shattered on the hard floor into a hundred tiny razor sharp pieces. She sobbed again and I sighed, walking over to her on the crunchy glass. I wrapped my arms around her shaking body and she clung to me tightly. I lifted her with ease from the counter and held her to me as she cried into my shoulder.

"shh" I whispered in her ear. "it's going to be alright." I stroked her hair, gazing off into the distance. I wasn't scared anymore, I wasn't panicked. I was right where I wanted to be, taking care of her, making things right, and understanding why she didn't tell me. I carried her over to the sofa and slowly sat down with her next to me. "don't worry." I said quietly, my arms around her. "It's going to be ok."

"I'm s-sorry" she whispered. I looked down at her red eyes and trembling hands. I needed to get her sober so that she could calm down and we could talk. I made to stand up but her hand grabbed me. "d-don't leave me" she stuttered, her eyes wide with fear.

I crouched down next to her. "Athena, I'm going to go and get some vials and things from my office so I can knock you up something to make you feel better ok? I think you've had enough alcohol for one night…"

"you'll come back?'

"I promise," I said quietly. I kissed her lightly, noticing the immense taste of alcohol on her lips. I hurried to the door and almost ran down to my office. I summoned my potions bag from the doorway and hurried back upstairs again, making sure I was not seen by anyone. I couldn't have been more than five minutes and she was curled up on the sofa, staring at the door. When she saw me she gave a sigh of relief. I knelt down next to her and pulled out a glass vial.

"I told you I'd be back-oh god Athena I can't even leave you for two minutes!" I pulled her hand away from her mouth. She had been chewing on her fingers nervously and there was blood trickling from one of them.

"oh. But I didn't feel anything…" she trailed off and frowned at her fingers. I took them in my hand and trailed my wand over the tip of them, healing the cuts. "how much of that stuff did you get through?" I asked. She said nothing and I reached behind me and picked up the empty bottle. I raised my eyebrows. This stuff was strong. Very strong.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly but it only resulted in making me feel more frustrated.

"what are you sorry for? Lying about the amount of time we had left? The drinking? Me having to watch you like you're a child or something?"

She stayed silent and I worked quickly tipping the right ingredients into the vial, making it smoke slightly. "drink." I said, handing her the glass but when she went to take it her hands were shaking. I sighed and put my hands to hers, steadying the vial as she gulped it down. I sat next to her and put my arm around her. "sleep."

I watched her closely and within seconds her eyes had closed and she slumped gently into my lap. I stroked her hair and wiped away the tears from her eyes as I watched the shallow rise and fall of her chest and listened to the rhythmic sound of her breathing. I stayed, concentrating on only her for the whole half an hour. I didn't think, I just observed and concentrated on not thinking. After exactly thirty minutes she stirred and lifted her head, pressing a hand to it and sitting up. She gazed around dazed and then her eyes found me. "how long have I been out?" she asked quietly.

"thirty minutes. That's what's so good about the formula- you don't get any other… side effects I'm sure you're used to… experiencing."

"thank you." She said so quietly it was barely audible. "I... I'm so sorry Severus. I didn't ever imagine this would be the way we would spend our last day together…"

"It's half four in the morning. Surely I don't have to leave soon?"

"It's only half four? We have until tonight." She gave a small smile.

"so what do you want to do?" I asked, making a split second decision to let her mistake go.

"I-I don't know- it's your day Severus."

"we should talk about the more important things first?"

"ok."

"where are you going? I still think you should stay here, where I know you're safe and-"

"Severus I am safe only when Albus is here, by next term the dark lord will have control of the school, and death eaters, including you shall be running it, I am not safe here."

"You just said yourself! I shall be here! I shall ensure no harm comes to you!"

"Severus… forgive me, but the last time, the Dark Lord killed her anyway. I'm sorry." Her words hit me like ice, the pain lingered on but I knew she was right. The loss of Lily was probably my fault… It was hard enough to live with myself last time… this time… I don't even want to think about it.

"I have learnt from my mistakes this time, I keep you safe myself, I don't just ask him to."

"how Severus? Are you never going to let me out of your sight again?"

"I've had enough practise…"

I watched as she tried not to smile. "Severus, I love you, you're going to have to trust me on this one. It would be better if we do this my way. Just tell them that-"

"don't say it." I said through gritted teeth.

"I'll tell Remus that I'm not, so a few people will know- I'll just tell them you spared me, that you couldn't do it, that you told me to run. So that's what I'll do, I'll run and you won't hear from me for over a year ok?"

"how shall I know you're safe?"

"I'll send you a message, as often as I can Severus. They'll all come differently, but at least you'll know I'm safe, ok?"

I nodded, still not happy.

"don't even attempt to try and send anything to me. They'll know, and it almost definitely won't find me. I'll know you're safe Severus, and don't do anything stupid or reckless, who knows… maybe I'll need you to save my life one day…"

I raised my eyebrows not sure if there was any truth in her words. "let's hope I don't have to."

"…are you scared, Severus?" she asked quietly watching me closely.

I paused, wondering whether I should tell her the truth. I decided I should. "yes."

She moved closer to me and lifted my arm around her shoulder. I pulled her tightly to me, wanting to feel the beating of her heart against mine.

"me too." She said quietly.

…"why don't we stay in here for the rest of the day?"

"in here?"

"just me and you." I said, realising I would like that more than anything.

Her kiss was her reply; light and tender and full of unsaid fears and feelings. Being close to her made me calmer, made me feel loved and wanted, and the fact that I would be missed by _somebody_ was a blessing in itself.

As I lowered her down onto the bed I became overwhelmed with it all, with the effect she had on me. "you're beautiful" I murmured as she pulled me down for a kiss that silenced all my thoughts.

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**A/N: i've had a couple of questions asking about the length of this story. I think think think it's nearly finished! That is, unless plot bunnies get the better of me, or JK Rowling announces Severus is a secret super hero :P so thanks for reading so far, next chapter up soon! Reviews are appreciated!**


	45. The Hard Goodbye

When I awoke a few hours later she was clutching onto my hand, sitting up, facing away from me. She was looking at something in her hands and in a sudden movement she flung it across the room, smashing it against the wall. I sat up quickly, my eyes flickering onto the broken clock on the floor.

I caressed her shoulder lightly but she stood up and changed into her muggle clothes. I did the buttons up on my robes in silence, feeling her eyes on me. She walked slowly over to me and put her hands on my shoulders, keeping her eyes focused on my collar and not my face.

"I'm gonna put it about that we've had an argument today, just casually, so people find it more believable when… and- and I think that tonight, we should maybe have a duel. It would be better if someone like Bellatrix saw part of it… don't put it on though Severus, It has to look real. Don't keep missing me. I'm sure I'll get over a few unforgivable curses…"

I jerked my head down to her level as soon as she said it. "not a chance" I said threateningly.

"Severus…" her eyes gazed up to meet mine and I gasped slightly at the emotion within them. "Spare nothing I beg you… we have to make this work… The only way I know I can leave you is if… if I know you're safe."

"I am quite sure I shall be safe without having to seemingly torture the woman I- the woman I love!"

She shut her eyes as I said it and I kissed her softly, and then again more urgently.

"Severus…" she opened her tearful eyes. "I need you to understand that- that you're going to see some horrible things, and you're probably going to be made to do some terrible things and… you have to do them. And I'm so sorry Severus… I-"tears ran down her face, "It's going to be so hard for you… but, I know that you're a true wizard, on the inside, and I want you to remember that I'm going to see you again, ok?"

I nodded. I was finding it so difficult to put all my feelings into words. I was scared right now; scared of having to loose the thing I valued most. "don't do anything stupid or reckless or dangerous, ok? Just keep out of trouble, for me."

She nodded. "you- you need to go straight to your office now ok? And don't leave until- until you're called…"

I knew this was it: this was goodbye. She reached her hands up and traced the lines of my face. My eyes bore over hers as though I had not seen her in years. I didn't want to forget a single thing about her.

I swallowed, my throat was hurting but I knew I had to be strong for her. I leant down and kissed her and my face became wet with her tears.

"I-I love you Severus."

I hugged her to me and whispered in her ear. "I love you too."

"be well." She whispered and then she turned and walked quickly out, shutting the door behind her. I stood for a moment, alone in her empty office before I could not take it any more. Then I turned on my heel and went straight to my office, just as she'd said.

I paced around, trying not to think about her. If I thought about her it caused me pain and all my concentration was lost. I pressed my fingers to my eyes, to try and rid the emotion that was building up behind them. I sat down on the edge of the sofa but then I remembered the times me and Athena had spent there and I had to get up quickly. I paced around in circles, clutching my wand tightly until a loud knock at the door interrupted me. I jumped: it was time. I flung it open and my eyes found Filius Flitwick.

"Severus, we need you, the death eaters have infiltrated Hogwarts." He panted.

I put on my mask of calm, my mask of concentration, my mask of doing what I have to do, the last thing on earth I would do voluntarily. I stunned Flitwick- if I could keep at least one person out of the battle tonight it woud be a good thing.

The commotion didn't last very long, I can't remember clearly how I got there but suddenly all was silent. I was standing on top of the astronomy tower with four other death eaters. Albus was leaning against the side turret, wand-less… defenceless… waiting for death.

"now Severus!" Bellatrix hissed in my ear and I turned my wand to Albus. His eyes met mine and I was frozen. Albus and Athena had both said that I was helping him, it wasn't murder. Yet as I stood there, my wand pointing powerfully at this old, helpless man whom I called a friend, whom I loved, I wasn't so sure. I swallowed, blanking out all their voices apart from one.

"Severus…"Albus said faintly. There were tears in his eyes.

"Severus... please…" to anyone else it would sound as though he was begging me not to do it but I knew what he was saying… he was saying I had to find strength to do this. I had to find strength for his sake and for the sake of the whole wizarding world.

_Goodbye Albus_ I thought in my head. _I'm so sorry._

"_Avada Kedavra!" _

I didn't look. But he was gone. Dead. Forever.

"lets go." I muttered to the others and we all turned on our heels and fled. I blocked spells as I hurried down the corridor will Bellatrix cackling sickly behind me. We were hurrying through the grounds when I realised we were being followed.

"Snape! He trusted you!" I started, thinking it was her, but it was Potter. He sent a curse at me, but I blocked it with ease. Bellatrix sent a killing curse at him.

"no!" I shouted. "he belongs to the dark lord! Go!"

She turned and skipped off towards the gates where we could apparate however she had not moved ten metres before another, heart wrenching scream echoed across the grounds.

"SEVERUS!" she screamed, her throat cracking. I turned a hard mask on my face. She was crying her eyes out, an angry, terrified blaze on her face. I heard Bellatrix's laugh behind me and my heart skipped a beat: I couldn't let her touch Athena.

"SEVERUS SNAPE!" she screamed again, coming to a halt about thirty metres away, her wand drawn. "I TRUSTED YOU! _HE_ TRUSTED YOU! YOU BETRAYED US! YOU LIAR YOU-"

I wasn't quick enough to react to Bellatrix's sneaky curse behind me. White light shot over my shoulder too quickly and Athena was cut off, flung to the ground and yelling in pain. Her shoulder had been cut open.

"no!" I shouted fiercely. "leave her! she is mine!"

Bellatrix laughed behind me as she scrambled back up, pain and anger on her face. "you coward Severus!"

"COWARD YOU CALL ME? YOU FILTHY LITTLE-"

"stupefy!" she screamed, but I deflected her curse with ease, which I know is what she wanted me to do.

"fight back! Fight back!" she screamed and I spat on the floor in disgust.

"I THOUGHT WE WERE REAL SEVERUS! HOW COULD YOU!"

"it was easy!" I shouted back, moving closer to her.

Bellatrix laughed and sent another curse but Athena dived behind a tree and then span around sending one back, which Bellatrix had to dance out of the way of quickly.

"let's go! We don't have time!" I shouted to Bellatrix, turning my back on Athena. I didn't want this to get out of hand and I knew it would if Bellatrix was here. I heard her behind me, running closer to us and I span around.

"YOU COWARDS!" she screamed and in a split second I knew I had to make this look real, just as she'd said. I shot a curse that hit her squarely in the chest and she was flung back against a tree. She sat there groaning, blood still trickling from her shoulder. I shook away the pain the image caused me and I shook away my feelings and instead I walked closer to her, slowly.

"years I've waited to do this." I said, avoiding her gaze but knowing that if Bellatrix was watching this would look believable. I took careful aim and roared the words I loathed for the second time tonight, "Avada Kedavra!"

A flash of green light shot from the tip of my wand, it hit the patch of tree just above her head. She slumped to the ground and even though I knew I had not hit her, panic flashed through my body like an electric shock. It took all the energy to stop me from rushing over to her.

Bellatrix was cackling again behind me and it made me feel sick. "go" I ordered. She turned and skipped down the mountain singing. I glanced at Athena, she was still, but I saw her chest moving. I said nothing, instead I had to turn and leave her to be swallowed up by the dark and dangerous night; alone and broken. I hurried after Bellatrix, knowing that whatever had been left of my soul was now ripped and torn beyond repair.

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**A/N: we're nearly at the end! thank you for reading and for all your support! reviews are appreciated! **


	46. Dark Ends and Bright Beginnings

**A/N: here's the final chapter! I can never thank you enough for your kind reviews and pm's. Hope you like it! **

Nothing. That's what I feel like. The only thing that is keeping me going is the thought that sometime, someday in my future I shall be with her again.

It has been three months. I had ordered a book from Flourish and Blotts on the weekend yet when it arrived by owl today, there were two books in the package. The extra one I was positive I did not order was a standard potion making book. I took it upstairs away from Wormtail's prying eyes and I began to read it. I was on the seventh page when something caught my eye. A word had been underlined in pencil. 'I.' that's all it said. I hurried quickly through the book, scanning the pages for more. On the thirty ninth page the word 'am' was underlined. I flicked through the book and found three words in total: I. Am. Safe.

I let out a sigh of relief and pressed my fingers to the words. Somewhere, wherever she was, she had sent me this message. Her hands had touched this book, they had sought out the words just as I had. I closed it and pressed it to my chest. She was alive.

Silence. Seven months have passed. I am now Headmaster of Hogwarts school. Terror. Panic. Everywhere.

I was in my office yesterday and I received the second notification, however this one did not relieve me as much as the last. The portrait of Albus that hangs on the wall said he had an urgent message for me. "Á bientôt" he said smiling at me that way Albus always did.

"what does it mean?' I asked.

"see you soon. In French."

I sat down slowly on the chair. "it's from her."

He nodded.

"but surely this means she is taking risks. You have a portrait in the ministry now, do you not Albus?"

He nodded.

"so she's infiltrating the ministry now!"

"don't fret so Severus. She knows what she is doing."

"well can you take a message back?"

"no. she did not linger. She was under an invisibility cloak, and she had taken polyjuice potion. She is taking precautions."

"I hope you're right."

A year. I curse myself sometimes if I forget something about her; The way her mouth used to half lift up when she was trying not to smile. How indignant she was and determined to not forgive too easily, and yet she always forgave. I haven't had another message for five months. I won't let myself think of the worse possible cause. However the other things I think are not much better. Perhaps she has forgotten me. I tried not to let myself think that, I knew she loved me and yet I also knew she had loved someone else once and then moved on. I shook my head to rid those thoughts. I knew she loved me. She would stay faithful to me, I trusted her.

Thirteen Months. A leaflet was pushed through the door today. I get muggle junk mail a lot and didn't think anything of it and I was just about to vanish it when I realised it was a leaflet for her perfume, the sweet one she always wore. I flung open the door and looked out onto the street but it was empty. I shut the door again and picked it up. There were no other clues on it but I knew it could not be a coincidence. It was her.

Fifteen months. How much longer can this go on for? How much longer can I last? How do I escape this deep suffering?

She saved my life. She is here. We are reunited. I am happier than I have ever been.

There is silence, I try to open my eyes but I can't lift them, they seem too heavy. I am trying to think, to make sense, to work out where I am without having to look or move. I remember being in the shrieking shack. The dark lord tried to kill me. A flash of fear rockets through my spine for a moment but then my mind urges me to go and work more out. I remember I was there, lying on the floor, blood everywhere and then I saw her. I felt her hands on my face.

"babey" she called me. "I'm here Severus, I'm here, it's gonna be alright." I remember pain as she poured something on my shoulder. I remember seeing Potter. I gave him the memories Albus told me to, I thought I was going to die but then I saw her face again and she was crying and yet she looked at me and said "It's going to be alright" and somehow, despite everything I believed her. A swirl of black mist and then darkness.

And now here I am and the sudden remembrance of her, of her being with me is making me open my eyes. I see a white ceiling, spinning slightly I am dizzy. I feel around me and my body. My right arm is in a sling and there is a bandage around the left side of my neck, other than that and the dizziness I feel fine. I sit up slightly, leaning against the headrest of the bed for support. A shot of pain in my neck. "ouch" I cursed quietly. I appear to be in a private hospital ward, just one room with this one bed and a table on my right with my wand on it. I took it cautiously. "lumos." It made the room slightly lighter and I blinked, trying to ignore the dizziness. There appeared to be a tube in my left arm, blood siphoning back and to through it. I frowned at it and looked around again, looking for a sign of her being here.

I spotted an empty chair to my right and then a slight movement from her made me gasp. She was slumped against the side of my bed, her head against the duvet and her eyes shut. She was sleeping. I sat up onto the edge of the bed and bit my lip as I took the sight in. Her face was tanned and her hair was different, darker brown and shorter than I remembered it. Her eyes were shut and her soft mouth slightly open. There was a cut on her dirty left cheek, but it didn't look very deep. She was thinner, wearing black torn jeans with rips in them and a grey sweater but it looked as though the edges had been singed and burnt. I reached out my hand and touched her lightly. She did not stir. She looked tiny, exhausted and helpless and yet she had saved my life. I was with her again. The sight of her asleep at the side of my bed, awaiting my recovery actually brought tears to my eyes for the first time in years. I blinked them back and touched her hand again.

She stirred slightly and then jumped and span around, her wand clutched in one hand and a muggle gun in the other. There was confusion on her face as she stared at me from about two metres away and then her confusion turned to shock and the gun and her wand clattered to the floor. She stood opposite me for a split second and I sat looking at her for a split second and then she said in her quiet voice as though unsure her eyes were telling the truth,

"you're ok."

I nodded, not able to take my eyes off her.

Tears welled up in her eyes. "and you're here, with me."

I nodded again.

She seemed unsure or unable to make a decision of how to act next and so I made the move for her. I got up from the bed without taking my eyes off her, took three steps to her, wrapped my arms around her warm body and pulled her to me. I can't describe the feeling, it was happiness and relief and just complete joy all wrapped in one kiss. It felt amazing to be reunited in such a way with the person I loved so much. I felt her hands on my chest, my face, around my neck. Tears ran down her face as she kissed me and the salty taste reached my lips. "shh" I whispered when we broke apart. She sobbed even more and buried her head in my chest as she had done over a year ago when I had last seen her. I took my arm from the sling so I could pull her closer to me and she cried and cried and I nearly cried too. I kissed her again and again and she ran her hands all over my chest as though she was dreaming. I pulled her over to the bed and I sat down, pulling her onto my knee. She clung to me and I shut my eyes, taking in her scent her feel her warmth against my body. She kissed my neck and cheeks and hands lightly before finally kissing me on the lips again.

"you saved my life" I said eventually when she nestled into my neck again.

"badly" she murmured quietly, indicating my arm. "I splinched you when I apparated."

"I think that's the least of my worries." I said quietly. "I'll never thank you enough."

"you don't have to. You being here is enough."

"I love you." I said strongly, cradling her into my chest.

"I love you too."

We sat like that for a long time. With her on my knee and me rocking her back and forth, burying myself into her being, her scent, her voice, her lips. "I love you" I kept saying as though each time I said it would take away the pain of being parted for so long.

I had so many questions to ask her and yet I didn't know which ones to ask first. The most important, 'how are you?' seemed such a stupid one to ask and when I did she laughed. "I'm… relieved, happy to be with you at last and triumphant that after everything… the dark lord is about to fall for ever."

"truly?' I said sharply.

"forever. I assure you."

"there's so much I need to talk to you about, so much we have to talk about."

"I know. I have so many questions and I can't seem to put them in order and I just don't know what to say except that that- Christ I'm so happy that I'm with you again, that I'm here with your arms around me after everything you've been through…"

"let's not talk about the past just yet. Just talk about now," I said quietly.

"well first of all you've taken the tube from your arm that was giving you a blood transfusion."

"a what?"

"a blood transfusion. It's a muggle technique, it's pumping blood into your body, you lost a lot."

"pumping blood! Who's blood?" it sounded like one of those ridiculous muggle things like sewing your skin together.

"the same blood type as yours. Trust me it's working, I bet now you've taken it out you feel dizzy?"

I stayed stubbornly silent and she laughed lightly, sending thrills through my body and making me smile as well.

"Severus we've got all the time in the world now, will you at least rest for an hour whilst the transfusion finishes?"

"ok. "

I insisted I'd heal the cut on her cheek and she turned to me, I traced my wand over the side of her face, her skin smoothed and healed well and it was then that I spotted a large scar on her shoulder.

"where did you get that one?" I asked, concerned and horrified.

"oh…" she muttered something I didn't catch.

"where?"

She hesitated and then decided to tell me the truth.

"Bellatrix… that night… I didn't heal it in time and so it scarred… it's ugly, I know, but I tried everything…"

She looked away.

"I'm so sorry." I said, every ounce of my feelings pouring into them words. "I should have done more to stop her that night."

She shook her head.

"And I want you to know… you could never be ugly to me."

She half smiled but she still wouldn't look at me.

I traced my wand along her shoulder, ignoring her slight flinch.

"now your turn to stick some ridiculous tube in my arm."

She smiled and looked up and then made me lie down whilst she fiddled with my arm. "ouch." I muttered when she stuck a needle in me.

"stop complaining."

When she was finished I made her lie next to me, her head against my good arm.

"sleep." She ordered.

I closed me eyes, but I did not sleep. I just felt her slow rhythmic breathing and the way she traced her fingers along my hand.

After just over an hour she got up slowly and removed the thing from my arm. I kept my eyes shut, pretending to be asleep.

Her fingertips trailed my jaw but I kept still and silent, slowing my breathing down.

"I love you." she whispered. "you'll never know how deep my emotions run for you, my lover."

**The End**

~S~A~S~A~


End file.
